Welcome, fellow humans, to the latest filler episode of Dick Tuesday.

The Thursday night game provided most of the entertainment through repeated shots of the Cowboys players and position coaches melting down on the sideline, with much yelling and finger-pointing. Those shots were interspersed with footage of a grim-faced Jason Garrett staring into the black abyss that is his future. That is, Cleveland Browns 2020 head coach.

Monday night, half of the Eagles roster took on the battered shell of Eli Manning and the Giants in the last game this year anyone on that team will care about. My bet is Ron Rivera goes to New York. He seems like a Giants kind of coach. The rest of the Eagles also managed to get injured, leaving seemingly only Zach Ertz and Carson Wentz on the field. Against this Giants squad it didn’t make much difference. A win in overtime and a tie with the Cowboys on the top of the NFC East, albeit with a loss to Dallas already in the books. All this to get hammered on the first week of the playoffs. Yippee.

Really, what else needs to be said about this hairball of a game? Instead, Here’s something that’s been done before, better, and with more thought put into it. But I was rather unimpressed by/blind drunk during this week’s slate of games and so only got into the 49ers-Saints, Chiefs-Pats, and the Hawks-Rams. And I like snacks. So here are the (hopeful) playoff teams and their soul-bonded snack foods, arranged by which one I thought of first.

Ravens – Miss Vickie’s salt and vinegar. Great, high quality chip. Everyone loves them. Robust enough to take on a dip with ideal seasoning and a low breakage rate. A crowd-pleaser. These chips look like a lock to go all the way, tongue pain be damned.

49ers – Nacho Doritos. Consistently superb, excellent all around snack. No real weaknesses – can hold up under added cheese or salsa but certainly more than good enough to go solo. Can take on any snack food. Will give you cheese dust fingers but well worth it.

Patriots – A crushed bag of classic Lay’s. Still good enough to eat but clearly not what they were before. You will definitely feel greasy after eating these.

Saints – Sour cream and onion. Damn good most times but every so often just fail to deliver what you’d hoped for. Sometimes overpowering, sometimes limp and unsatisfying. Which version will you get? Old Dutch with the better consistency but a bit too much seasoning? Or the Lay’s, with less aggressive seasoning but not firm enough to hold up in the clutch?

Seahawks – Hawkins Cheezies. My favourites. Not everyone likes them but those people are fools. A snack that got a chance to compete no matter their low draft pedigree. And now? They’ve been stuck in someone’s teeth since 1976. They’re a crunchy, salty, delight. And Canadian.

Rams – Tostitos. Should be better than they are. Always seem like a good choice when the other options are not available. Can’t trust them to hold up under any sort of salsa pressure, though. Just find some original Doritos. They do everything the Tostito does but better.

Cowboys/Eagles – Corn nuts. Who buys such tooth-breaking chaff as this? Flavoured like Arby’s toilet seats? Totally unnecessary but there are fans out there and at least they have something to cheer for. Other then their 36 prime time games every year.

Chiefs – Jerky. It’s great, sure, but like cheering for a team led by colossal douchebags and wife/child abusers, the costs are high. Also, they lack the crunch that seems to be necessary come… crunch time. Sorry.

Titans – Pringles. Pretty good, but not great. Something about them is so promising at times it makes you want to keep eating them to see if they really are what you think they are. Then they give you a massive bout of stomach cramps. You’ll buy them again, next year. Just to be sure. The same thing will happen.

Steelers – Taquitos. Not sure exactly what this is or how it came to be here. The combination of a crispy shell and melted “cheese” can be really good but something about it just isn’t trustworthy. How long has it been on that roller? Is that really chicken in there? How many children have dragged snot-covered hands over it?

Packers – Ripple chips. Good, but not great on their own. They’ve always had the necessary texture to get it done, and sure, they can go a long way just the way they are but this year they’ve added the French onion dip that is a defence. Now they’re a balanced unit that can beat anyone. However, if you’re not paying attention the dip could slide right off that chip onto your lap, embarrassing you and all your friends who made the trip to San Francisco.

Vikings – Pep n’ Ched. A strong duo, the pep could be the running back, the ched the receivers. Should have no problem getting it done but they’re held back by their packaging. Within that plastic container the two ingredients become wet and unappealing. This wetness is Kirk Cousins. The plastic is the idiot GM who paid money for him.

Texans – Ketchup chips. Seemingly a surprise to everyone that they are this good. Just not quite good enough to outdo the best chips in a pinch. Against some taste buds they don’t show up at all, falling flat on their faces. Usually these are lesser taste buds, like the Broncos. If this chip wants to get into the top tier they need to show up every time for every bud.

Bills – Cheese and Onion. A really tasty chip. Solid, yet unspectacular. There’s something that’s not there yet. Like they’re not in all the stores. Sometimes it looks like it could be them, but then it’s not them. It’s salt and pepper or garlic and chive or something. Maybe next year they’ll have all the pieces in place.

I spent Sunday night in rageful disappointment. My notes for the Sunday night game: Seahawks looked like they went out on the town In LA on Saturday. Unacceptable! Unacceptable! I’ll line each one of you up and show you the meaning of the word Respect! Goddamn it! But I took it well. It’s a division game. It happens. God damn it! And the Niners won. Swine! Filth! Whores and rabbits with six toes! I’m fine. Really. 

Best to just get on with it. To the curling!

We played an older team this past Friday, maybe early 60s. The skip threw with a stick instead of sliding in a crouch to throw. They could tell we had just fired back a few pitchers in short order upstairs and probably got a little overconfident. We stole 1 in the first. Then they bagged 3 with the hammer after some particularly bad shots thrown by me. We scored one the next end, then stole another in the fourth when I redeemed myself by sneaking a rock behind a pile of guards, just biting on the 12 foot. With the game tied in the fifth we were sitting three but their skip made a real swell takeout to hold us to yet another steal of one. It gave us the lead needing only a blank end in the sixth to win. Tense moments. I guzzled one beer, then another to settle my nerves. No need to fret, another steal in the final end to put them away and we emerged victorious. 6-2 going into the final week of league play this half-season. Watch out, Friday night novice league, we’re coming for your title.