That’s My Raiders! Not A Creature Was Stirring

EXT. OAKLAND RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – NIGHT

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: That Raiders Family [sic] is filmed in front of a live stupendous [sic] audience.

CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, asleep, an empty bag of Smartfood white cheddar popcorn sitting in his lap.  A sliver of drool runs out of the corner of his mouth.  Next to him DEREK CARR is also dozing, occasionally twitching and scratching at the air like a cat. TOM CABLE is over in the corner of the living room, hunched over his phone, apologizing repeatedly in a quiet voice.  The TV is tuned to Netflix, and a series of previews begins to play.

ANNOUNCER: This Christmas…Antonio found himself on the outs with all the teams in the NFL so he takes a job coaching “football” in…[record scratch]…Egypt?

ANNOUNCER: Leaving behind his life in the United States, Antonio takes the reins of a ragtag group of misfits…

ANNOUNCER: …and tries to mold them into a genuine team.  Cultural clashes abound as Antonio finds his patented seduction techniques aren’t even acknowledged by the team mothers…

ANNOUNCER: …and faces some of the worst field conditions this side of FedEx field…

ANNOUNCER: …can Antonio teach these kids a little something about the Joy of Christmas?  Stay tuned for.  I’m Dreaming of A Brown Christmas!

—

The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies begins playing as the camera focuses on one of the living room windows.  Through it, we see…

SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI silently slides the window open, but then pauses as he evaluates whether his ample frame will fit through. It clearly will not.  He backs away from the window and moments later he quietly slips in through the front door and sidles over to the coffee table, picking up the remote control.  He navigates through a menu and settles on…

ANNOUNCER: Hotshot management consultant Sebastian finds himself in a jam after a Christmas ad campaign he recommended to a client goes disastrously awry…

ANNOUNCER: Out of options, Sebastian takes on a contract to turn around a struggling industrial concern at…[record scratch]…the North Pole?

ANNOUNCER: …stay tuned as Sebastian tries to navigate the unrealistic dictates of his well-meaning but clueless boss, deflect the amorous attention of the boss’ insatiable wife, and turn the assembly line’s performance around in “The Pole”.

—

After SEBASTIAN JANIKOWSKI slips out of the room, another shadowy figure appears.  He reaches down and picks up the remote…

…but promptly drops it.  The noise causes DEREK CARR to stir, and AMARI COOPER promptly scampers out of the room and disappears.

DEREK CARR: Kolton.  [shakes his housemate] Hey, Kolton, wake up.

KOLTON MILLER: [pulls bag of popcorn away protectively] GET YOUR HANDS OF MY…[blinks his eyes sleepily]…oh, hey Derek.  What’s up?

DEREK CARR: We must have fallen asleep watching holiday movies.

KOLTON MILLER: Is it officially Christmas yet?

TOM CABLE’S EX-WIFE: [through the phone, loud enough that everyone can hear] FOR FUCK’S SAKE, TOM, IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT.  STOP DRINKING AND STOP BEGGING AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP CALLING ME.

KOLTON MILLER: It is Christmas!  Merry Christmas, Derek.

DEREK CARR: [scowls, then softens] Merry Christmas to you too, Kolton.  Merry Christmas to you, Tom. [cups his hands to his mouth so she can hear him through the phone] AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO, MRS. CAB…UM…I MEAN MS. GOLACHEFSKI.

DEREK CARR then turns to face the camera directly, breaking the fourth wall. 

DEREK CARR: …and Merry Christmas to YOU too.