Happy P*ts Schadenfreude Day 2020 Hippo Thoughts

Oh my cats, y’all, El Tractorcito y Mas Erotic Smashmouth did it!!!

Where to start?  Tanny Fanny had been a revelation ever since taking over the starting job.  ALL the advanced metrics said he was not only good, but GREAT.  Sustainable great.

Until he wasn’t.  And mein Gott, how he wasn’t.  Except for one 3rd and 8 toss, with the game in the balance.  It was raining, he had a few fingers taped up (he flubbed a snap that killed the previous drive inside the P*ts’ 35).  And he hit a perfect sideline route.  All night, he had missed easy throws.  This was not an easy throw.  And El Tractorcito ran off right tackle for another first down, allowing the Tits to punt with just 25 seconds left, up 14-13.  Brett Kern (THE WEAPON, as DonT taught us) lived up to his moniker, releasing the kick uber-fast and sending it bouncing down to the fucking 1.

15 seconds, 99 yards away.  Already no chance, beyond the biggest miracle in EVAR.  Then Dreamboat (who was awful in his own right) tossed a pick six.  PLEASE GOD, let that be his last snap leading the P*triots.  The two point conversion (and props to Vrabel for thinking to go for 2) failed, and New England’s sad sack fumble rooskie play took up all 9 seconds and GAME OVER.  20-13, good guys.

And what can you say about Derrick Henry.  Running into 8-man boxes all night, he put up 182 rushing yards, with a TD.  He willed his team to victory.  With the opposition knowing what was coming.  They led after each quarter of play.  What a night!

That doesn’t even touch on the madness that was the opener.  Buffalo came out with both barrels smoking, Bleeding Kansas completing a scoring pass to Josh Allen to cap the opening drive.  And they kept on the pressure, going into half up 13-nil, then adding another FG in Q3.

Though there was some bananacakes before that.  HOU took the 2nd half kickoff in the end zone, with the returner making no move towards a return, then flipping the ball FORWARD to the ref.  The ref played hot lava with it, treating it like a live ball that BUF picked up for what was initially called a TOUCHDOWN.

Now, the zebras huddled, and opted for the solution that would at least avoid a full-scale riot.  But how does an “all-star” calibre official treat a FORWARD FLIP like a live ball fumble?  I mean, if you want to be really pedantic, I guess he could have claimed an illegal forward pass, huddled with the other crew members and…safety?  But under no circumstances can that be a TD.

Anyway, Theandre Hopkins fumbled on the subsequent possession, leading to the kick and BUF’s maximal lead.  Brokeback QB would then turn his (already flighty) brain off for the rest of the night.  As old imaginary pal Old School Zero noted – it was like he was on Wheel of Fish, and chose something in the box.  NOTHING!  Josh Allen, YOU SO STUPID!!!

First, TheShaun led his charges down for 8 (the try for 2 was good, Watson with a heroic individual effort that was to be a harbinger of things to come), then 3 more after Allen’s fumble.  But the Bills weren’t done being horrid on offense, and Watson delivered 8 more to take a 19-16 lead.

The next series of events was almost too comical to believe.  Inside FG range, 3rd down…Brokeback ran WAY the fuck backwards, throwing to his RT while in the grasp.  Penalty(ies), 4th and 27 from the 42.  Now, we had like 1:50 to play, but with three timeouts, one could punt here.  Least bad of many bad options?  Or you could go for it, and Allen promptly managed to lose ANOTHER 20 yards on a sack.

Still, the Bills’ D stood firm, stopping HOU on 3rd and 1, then amazingly again on 4th and a foot.  Ball turns over on downs, around the 30.  Allen’s first play was a nice, long run…at the end of which he batshittedly LATERALS to an unbelieving TE.  Thankfully, said TE had the presence of mind to scramble and knock the ball out of bounds.  Brokeback would go on to complete a wounded duck to get close to FG range, and working around 2 or 3 near-INTs, Stephen Hauschka would make a 47-yarder to send us to Extra Time.

HOU got it first, 3 and out.  The Josh Allen carnival ride continued, including a baffling Hail Mary-type heave to a double covered fullback. It got almost uncomfortable, as one wonders if Brokeback’s athletic ability allowed him to get “wink and nod” promotions, despite not ever reading beyond a 4th grade level.

Anyway, the next 500s drive was dying, until TheShaun stonewalled TWO full speed hits by BUF defenders, on the same play.  If you didn’t see it, look it up.  I have no idea how he stayed up.  Eventually, he hit a swing pass to get Fairburn into chip shot range (BUF was VERY close to getting the block), and 22-19 is your final.

Your move, Sunday fixtures (starting with an FA Cup-style Merseyside Derby).