Scene: The DFO Clubhouse
Time: 9:43 am.
Horatio gets out of his car, a red Corvette if past stories are to be believed, (they should not), staggering under the weight of a dozen boxes. His hands thus occupied, Horatio uses his as-believable-as-that-Corvette martial arts skills to kick open the door without leaving so much as a scratch on the frame.
“Hey, guys, guys, (Horatio is woke-as-fuck and uses ‘guys’ for both genders, because he is also a moron), it’s Super Sunday and guess who just cleaned out all the paczkis 
from old lady Stanislaus’s bakery! We got raspberry, blueberry, for some reason prune, cre…”
Horatio realizes that he’s talking to no one. Despite it being Super Sunday, the Highest of Holy Days for DFO, the clubhouse is empty. It looks like the place has been trashed. Furniture is tipped over, beer cans and liquor bottles are everywhere, a dank smell is in the air, and yesterday’s Wall Street Journal is neatly folded on the kitchen table, unread.
You know, the usual.
“Ah fuck, I’m the first one here. I thought I slept in at least long enough for Yeah Right to have been fucking around in the kitchen. I’ll just start tidying up.”
Horatio grabs a vacuum and starts running it over broken glass. Your first prop bet is how long before the vacuum explodes, which is a trick question because Zymm modified it. He pauses and picks up a stained, torn piece of paper. “Oh, Scotchy’s notes. God I hope that’s deer blood. Better post it before everyone gets here.”
SCHEDULE
ESPN 10:00-2:00 Post Season NFL Countdown. Sean McVay Joins the panel to preview the Super Bowl, and you’re out of your fucking mind if you watch this.
2:00-4:00 The USA Women’s basketball team slaughters Louisville
4:00-5:30 Women’s College Gymnastics, Auburn vs. Georgia.
Everything After 5:30- Some stuff about Wilder-Fury 2 wrapped around a tribute to Kobe. No one will watch
ABC
2:00-4:30 NBA Basketball, Pelicans at Rockets. Will Zion’s knee explode? Will an advanced civilization of tiny elves leap out of James Harden’s beard and save humankind? Tune in and find out!
CBS
12:00-1:00 PBR Bull Riding. Fuck and yes.
1:00-3:00 College Basketball Georgetown at St. John’s, in a game that would have meant something 30 years ago.
3:00-6:00 That drunkass golf tournament in Phoenix
FOX
12:00-6:30 Various pregame shows, at least some of which will involve Skip Bayless. Go outside. It looks like a nice day.
6:30-10:00 A football game takes place during breaks between high-priced commercials. The only real question is whether Otto will find his way to the Clubhouse. He won’t.
NBC
12:30-3:00 NHL Hockey Pittsburgh Penguins at Washington Capitals.
3:00-4:00 FIS Snowboarding World Cup. Settle in with a cup of cocoa and bitch to yourselves about why these millennials can’t find pants that fit.
4:00-6:00 NBC grasps for the female and your unmarried-uncle-who-cuts-hair demographic with a figure skating exhibition of some sort.
Animal Planet
3:00-6:00ish-Puppy Bowl Come on. You know you want to.
If the price for watching Alex Ovechkin play is some light election interference by the Russians, I say it’s a fair trade.
When he was a rook I couldn’t believe his foot speed. How can someone be that much faster than everyone else?
“(sheepishly) I know a way…”
-Lance A.
Up here it’s a Ben Johnson reference. EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING IT!!!
Udinese/Inter is on ESPN News
61 degrees in North Cakalaky, I can at least get some fresh air with the window open
Things I Will Not Miss About A Super Bowl Party:
1. The “I’m just here for the commercials” people.
2. The “I’m so just here for the commercials that I will yap loudly during the game and then shush everyone when a commercial break starts” people. Fuck off, Don Draper, you’ll be seeing these same goddamn ads for the next six months.
3. Random jersey guy. Dude, nobody cares that you’re a Tampa Bay Bucs fan.
4. Person who barely knows the rules of football yet has very firm opinions about every officiating and reply decision.
5. People who double-dip.
6. People who double-dip but think it’s excusable because they turn the food item around so that they’re the dipping the part that was just in their grubby little fingers that they probably licked a dozen times in the last hour.
7. Dude who is getting just a liiiiitle too angry about his team losing.
8. People who decide to taunt that dude just for fun.
9. Honestly, people in general. But I think you all saw that coming by now.
the last Owl party I went to was at my sisters. Saints v. Humps. Exciting game, even. There were maybe 40 people there, and for most of Q4 I was the only fucking person in the teevee room.
I’m assuming they cleared out when your pants came off, in keeping with DFO “No Pants” policy.
Yeah, it’s the “amateur hour” aspect that is the most irritating. Like, there’s no rule that you have to party today if you’re not into football.
or, when still married – why are you just sitting there by yourself and not socializing? – like I AM THE WEIRDO for watching the Owl. Fuck’s sake, non-imaginary people.
Soon the “well actually the commercials aren’t good anymore” people will be the new annoying. Until then, I remain one of them.
The best party I went to we had a 3 man street hockey (with a mega-ton of side bets) tourney for the better part of the afternoon. There were four teams and we did the round robin, semi’s and final. We were that good kind of tired when we plopped into our seats and a dude that owned a Subway brought over one of those 5 foot subs. Then the challenge became, “Can we actually eat all of this?” Fuck, that was one helluva day.
“What do you mean no double dipping?”
Porn/Superbowl party.
#9; watch the game with just a few.
Anyone else smart enough to take tomorrow off or is it a given in the U.S.?
No, we’re morons
cleaning lady comes over so I have to work the morning
Hoping to at least pull the working from home card in the morning
Working from home. So at least I don’t have to put pants on
Time to drink yet?
I just popped a beer open so… yes.
You havent been yet?
Hippo is 3 pills in chuh chuh
Crosby interfering from the bench; that should be a game misconduct by rule? But of course it wont be called like that.
Crosby always willing to contribute
Just soooo many questions…
“In a 2014 interview published in Billboard, Crosby’s daughter Mary recalled a flashy Bowie entering the set. “The doors opened and David walked in with his wife,” she recalled. “They were both wearing full-length mink coats, they have matching full makeup and their hair was bright red. We were thinking, ‘Oh my god.'” Nathaniel Crosby, Bing’s son, added: “It almost didn’t happen. I think the producers told him to take the lipstick off and take the earring out. It was just incredible to see the contrast.”
When David Bowie and Bing Crosby Rang in the Holidays
“Interfering From The Bench”? Bah Gawd, that’s John Robert’s music!
Ron Mexico’s cold sores really pop in 4k.
Pregame sponsored by Valtrex, its about suppression. Much like Florida voter policy.
Early Banner contender
Welp, Chiefs fans are starting the chop now. Sorry Andy. They don’t deserve to be happy.
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/28582604/barnwell-super-bowl-liv-preview-know-49ers-chiefs-predictions-more
TL;DR
Chiefs run defense costs them the game.
49ers over Chiefs.
One game script I thunked up was that this would be a shootout because KC gives up 4.87 ypc. Folks say that the run game grinds out the clock but if you can’t stop the run it functions like a high-scoring O.
Surf all day, Polka all night.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C1b5R99Kors
Okay, that’s hot….. cold.
Pattington Bear?
What are you doing there?
Found a funny:
Embarrassing mistake by the Des Moines Register. My sources tell me that instead of interviewing 1000 normal-sized Iowans they interviewed a single gigantic one
It is a nice day!
I just came back from the park where I threw the football with a couple friends!
Seems like a waste of a football
speaking of great music on Letterman:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxawVMQ02dc
It’s funny to me that this has become overused music for TV. Like, they’re brainstorming and someone says they need a song cool kids like and the same guy stands up and says “YES I KNOW THAT ONE SONG”
is weird, yeah. I noticed from the YouTube comments, as I don’t watch any young ppl shows. Also seems true for The Kills.
First I can think of is a scene in Rescue Me and the most recent one I’ve seen it on was season 1 of Castle Rock, but the most egregious I think was the commercial for the shitty mobile Star Trek game
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRGC2wyCVgw
Oh hey, apparently there’s a handy list
https://www.tunefind.com/artist/tv-on-the-radio
Son is so damn good
He is indeed.
/Bitter Blue, still trying hard not to hate him
//Gomes miraculously back in full training, expected to play 23 Feb away to Arsenal
That’s great to hear that Gomes is ahead of schedule!
So much SUDDEN LESSER CHANGE
Quite the goal for the debutante.
That bastard is so guilty of diving, the Senate just acquitted him.
I didn’t see shit. – McConnell
I want to see Tom Brady go to the Jets for an ungodly contract and then go 1-15 in back to back seasons, not because of any disdain for the Jets, but to see the evil one’s shit eating grin while dreamboat can’t make eye contact every time they shake hands after a game
a RED!
Oooo red card! This will be fun.
An ode to the Commentist Party:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAI1qhGgR-E
Seen here gathering the materials for her underwear
he smells MY dog!!
Her thong is more expensive than your house.
Related: It’s easy to forget how good early Letterman was. That really would’ve been a more natural progression to Conan than Leno. Was watching Bakooon’s twitch stream last night and he played this that I vaguely remember from early childhood. Started cackling at Dave staring death at the guy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUHUgMuODFg
oh, absolutely
The metro division is playing at an insane level right now. Playoffs should just be a 3 round tournament out of the division
What am I making for the Sooooper Bowl? Glad you asked!
NACHOS,NACHOS MAN
I’M GONNA MAKE
SOME NACHOS MAN!
My entire diet today will consist of my body weight in buffalo chicken dip
eat/drink so much you spew, it’s all low calorie!
All hail Sarah’s recipe from the old blog she still has up on her own site. Its my assignment to make on any party i goto now
Buffalo Food dip
Nate Washington Reference Alert!
HEY!
HEY!
HEY, HEY, HEY!
Switching to ice football and hoping Malkin, Crosby, and Ovechkin can all get simultaneously injured somehow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa1FnxMWDHQ
Goddamn pens are getting some miracle saves right now
Murraycles?
Gundogan having a mare
NFL Network with the single worst segment I’ve ever seen in television. Holy shit. Take these motherfuckers out of the hall of fame.
No redzone no reason
THIS. I just read The Athletic’s coverage of Mr. Atwater, that suffices.
Enjoying the brief deadspin resurrection at unnamedtemporarysportsblog they’ve unleashed a flood of pent up posts.
Switch to ESPN and it’s a montage with “I’ve Got Soul But I’m Not a Soldier”. Folks, the content is bad this afternoon.
We will drag you into Lesser Footy if it’s the last thing we do. 😀
Newcastle is a pretty good Philly analogue.
Advantage #78.1 of being a shut-in: I’m saving dozens of dollars per year on deodorant
I still shower and deodorant every day. No clue as to why. I don’t want to offend the cats?
Never know when you’re going to meet a cute Paramedic!
true, they can get they hands on meds as well
Fuuuuck now I really want a paczki
Hey Moose-y – STEVE FUCKIN’ ATWATER AMIRITE???
You be right. Wright.
Louis Wright? RITE ON!!
The bollocks on Hugo Lloris!!
I shoulda planned on cooking something during the day to give me stuff to do before 6:30. Some elaborate recipe from the French Laundry for pigs in the blankets id never do
Just have a beer.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_ekugPKqFw
did Lloris get a toe on that? AMAZEBALLS
KITTY!!!!!
Let’s look at Google street view.
Pizza has been ordered. Just 3 today for the Spur Superb Owl 2020 viewing. Told everyone not to make anything, let’s just order in. It’s looking like the right idea.
Morning Folks.
Just 7 of us today. The small gathering. Grilling burgers and dogs, plus a big ass tray of nachos, pizza rolls, cheese and crackers and a fridge load of beer. There’s a couple of bottles of vino, two bottles of bourbon, one bottle each of vodka and tequila.
All systems go.
Small gathering? Where are you? China? (Well, for now anyway).
Hosting at home as always. And we’re using paper plates instead of China.
Stuffed the entire JMU Offensive Line in my Hyundai Accent this weekend whilst Ubering in Harrisonburg. One in the trunk. I must be out of my goddamned mind…
I recall driving 9 peoples to a party freshman year (in my Eagle Premier) – including one in the trunk. But that dude was like, 5’2″
Plus, that was one big-assed sedan. It was like driving a couch.
PFT Commenter did go to JMU…
Went with The Broom, the Mahrez, and Rodrigo from City. Dele Alli and Aurier from Spurs.
NBC’s commentators guaranteed goals, so I hope everyone is ready for nil-nil again!
Gonna be all Aguero and Son, I’ll bet.
After going through last night’s open thread to make sure I didn’t drunkenly post something more embarrassing than usual, I think I will start in on the edibles and alcohol a little earlier than usual, so I have time to get wasted, pass out, and recover in time to start all over again for the big game, which for the first time in a while I don’t have to worry about who’s going to win and can just enjoy it without getting all sphincter-clenched. God I hope it’s better than last year’s piece of shit game.
It occurs to me that I might actually pay attention and watch the Pro Bowl if it were to take place at noon on SB Sunday. Kind of an appetizer.
I support edibles then booze
Going to be a weird day. I watched the Aussie Open from 12:30 – 5 am, though I fell asleep a bunch of times. Now I’m up again for some reason. Probably going to start a batch of chili and then try to nap so I can stay awake through the
“Big Game.”
I has leftover bison chili for The Owl. Chili is always a good idea.
Yeah, I like bison chili. Might do boneless short ribs this time, though.
holy fuck, that sounds good
assuming I just heard right, this is the lowest point total Arsenal have had at this stage in the Premier League era. Also, Everton stay in 9th position WOO!!!
… that’s my gooners? … On the bright side, wifey an’ the kids are still down with that bloody norovirus-y stomach bug. #FML 😀
Can I borrow that vacuum? Damn kids.
Speaking of vacuums, oldest GTD had names for everything when she was really young, so she called vacuums “k-mem”. When going over to someone’s house she would want to see their k-mem. Good times
When my niece was very young she called banans, “Neminis”. No idea why.
Also, if you go to someone’s house as an adult male and ask to see their k-mem it might not turn out well.
Have friends coming over for dinner. But not to watch the game. Guess the game will be on in the background. And yes it’s bad planning
That’s what you get for being too good to stick to imaginary friendships (smh). 😀
My friends are all imaginary aka yall. Loves yas. It’s the wife’s friends
Burnley/Arseholes is trying to put me back to sleep. Sadly, I took a 4+ hour nap yesterday AND slept a full 8 hours. So…I am right fucked.
oh HELLO, pill bottle!!
That’s some good hustle napping
/jelly
I tried hard to force myself to stay asleep through the night. Bed just felt SO GOOD yesterday afternoon/early evening.
Fighting for the tie against Burnley. That’s just fucking great.
that Burnley strike against the bar was bananacakes, in terms of staying out of the net. Much like United (home to Wolves) yesterday, this is really bizarre satisfaction for taking the point.
I mean, Everton kept pushing for a winner down to 10 men yesterday. Never good to have less ambition than my fookin’ Toffees.
You are doing Bleergh’s work my good man. I was thinking about doing one but then got in to the weed and coffee.
And now Manitoba Ladies Curling is on!
Go tell it from the mountain – The Smiling Assassin is in the Hall. As with Terrell Davis and Mr. B, sometimes good things do happen to good people.
https://theathletic.com/1577416/2020/02/01/steve-atwater-hall-of-fame-denver-broncos/