John, I’m so bored. This corona stuff sucks.

I feel you Jim. It’s getting to the point of re-watching old games just to feel something. Anything, really.

Remember Super Bowl XXIV, Johnny?

Sure do, brother. Montana’s finest game.

Those Broncos, man. What a shitshow. Took a long time to recover from that.

Just like Paraguay in the 1860s, you might say… though I’m still not sure they’ve actually learned their lesson from that one.

THE PARAGUAYAN WAR

Combatant 1: Paraguay

Combatant 2: The Triple Alliance – Brazil, Uruguay, and Argentina

Location of Conflict: South America

Reason for Conflict: Somebody fancied himself the next Napoleon.

What happened? In 1862, Francisco Solano Lopez was appointed as President of Paraguay after the death of his father, former President Carlos Antonio Lopez. Before ascending to his nation’s top office, the younger Lopez had extensive experience in affairs of many stripes, including as a general in the Paraguayan army, as an ambassador to Europe, and as both Minister of War and Vice-President in his father’s cabinet. It was in his time in Europe, however, where Lopez really made a name for himself amongst historical figures with outsized delusions of grandeur.

Lopez spent most of his eighteen months in Europe based out of Paris, where as ambassador, he ended up gaining great respect for the Second French Empire and Napoleon III, as well as for his uncle, the one and only Napoleon Bonaparte. When Lopez went to Russia to observe the Crimean War, he was so taken with the organization and technological capabilities of the Grande Armée that he later ordered matching uniforms for Paraguayan troops, and possibly, an exact replica of Napoleon’s crown for himself to wear.

In the 1860s, South America was a continent with much political turmoil; the two largest nations, Brazil and Argentina, were squabbling over a number of territories due to inconsistencies in the maps that were developed as a result of a number of treaties signed in the wake of gaining independence from Portugal and Spain. One of these key territories was the Rio de la Plata, a basin that not only encompasses both Paraguay and Uruguay, but also the southern portion of Brazil and the northern portion of Argentina.

In October 1864, Brazil was in conflict with both Paraguay and Uruguay, and when Brazilian troops invaded Uruguay, Lopez, vastly overconfident in his military capabilities, saw a chance for Paraguay to strike. The Paraguayans seized a Brazilian ship and imprisoned one of the provincial governors, while also trying to send an army to Uruguay – by way of Argentine territory. The Argentines refused passage, and in retaliation, Paraguay annexed two northern Argentinian provinces. Argentina was furious.

In 1865, Brazil defeated Uruguay, installed a puppet government allied to Brazil, and sensing an opportunity to put down their troublesome southwestern neighbors, signed an alliance with Argentina and Uruguay. Now, the Paraguayan fighting force – 80,000 soldiers and 70,000 militia members, out of a total population of about 500,000 – faced down three nations at once, with a combined population of over eleven million people.

The Aftermath: This war went so, so unbelievably badly for Paraguay. The Paraguayan navy was destroyed within two months of the alliance being signed, and supply routes for much-needed provisions, weapons, and munitions were badly disrupted. Despite fighting fiercely, the Paraguayans were both outnumbered and poorly equipped. In 1867, waves of cholera, edema, scurvy and smallpox wracked the Paraguayan forces, killing an estimated 50,000 soldiers; despite being in impossible situations, the Paraguayans waged a guerrilla campaign until March 1870, when Lopez was killed in action by Brazilian forces. Paraguay also lost huge amounts of territory in the north to Brazil, as well as the repatriation of annexed lands back to Argentina in the south.

An estimated 400,000 people died in this conflict, with two-thirds of those coming on the Paraguayan side. Some sources state that Paraguay lost somewhere between 60 and 70 percent of its total population, including possibly up to 90% of its adult males. 150 years later, the repercussions of this war are still felt on a daily basis in Paraguay – the landowner class in Paraguay is tiny, with an estimated 2.5% of the population owning about 85% of all agricultural land. In addition, 14% of Paraguayan land is owned by Brazilian farmers, which gives them lots of economic and political power in such a small country. Brazil bosses Paraguay around to this day – a jointly owned hydroelectric dam has been very profitable for the Brazilian government, while Paraguay has lost over $75 billion USD to the Brazilians from 1985 through 2018. Paraguayan politicians, despite remaining fully aware of the external pressures their country faces from giant neighbor Brazil, mostly do nothing to alleviate them, citing the war as the reason – even to this day. Finally, in a country where so much of the male population was killed fighting a war, the remaining men in the 1870s cultivated a culture of gender inequality that to this days persists as one of the worst in the world. With so few men left over, a sense of machismo and sexual harassment as courtship remains highly prevalent, and the ability for women to access reproductive health services remain basically impossible – with basically no provisions for abortion except for severely limited cases where a mother’s life would be at risk, rape victims as young as age 10 are forced to give birth, including as many as 584 in 2018.

And through it all, Lopez is still portrayed as a national hero in Paraguay, despite damaging the country almost irreparably. The presidential palace and key roads still retain his name, and his face appears on the currency to this day. Completely baffling.

Also kinda giving me some Belichick vibes, y’know? I know everyone says he’s a genius, and he’s got quite the resume to go with it, but does he seriously think he’s gonna be a contender with a quarterback who’s never started before?

As your older bro, I will tell you this: it’s up to us to pillage and plunder New England the way the Brazilians got to Paraguay. Otherwise the delusions of grandeur will never, ever stop.

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Information for this article from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.