That’s right, we’ve got a new column while there aren’t any human sports, which at this rate won’t be for a while as Arizona, Florida, and the rest of the South goes through its coronavirus wave. Y’all laughed and scoffed when New York got hit (because the American strain is from the European strain of the virus, no matter what Not Legally Allowed to Vote in Florida Man says), saying it was a New York problem, and thinking you were all that. Well, bless your little hearts. (Did I do that right?)

Anyway, since there’s no human sports that we actually cover going on in the States (we’re not covering NASCAR, come back when the pace car driver doesn’t blow a chicane in a demo lap—yeah, the joke was originally going to be “come back when you have a chicane”), we’ve got a lack of sports to cover. My normal summer column, the BattleBots Beat, is postponed since BattleBots is postponed until hopefully later this year. There was going to be hot Olympic action in Tokyo, but it’s been moved to 2021. And I’m guessing Balls was probably going to have Japanese girls playing various sports, like trampoline, handball, and wrestling. And if he didn’t I just gave him ideas for next summer.

So with that, we need something to cover, and watching my favorite YouTuber get thrashed by Shane van Gisbergen at sim racing rallycross doesn’t count. (He did beat Charles Leclerc though, so that counts for something.) So, onto my second-favorite YouTube channel!

Jelle’s Marble Runs is a series of marble racing based in the Netherlands, formed by Jelle (pronounced YEL-leh) Bakker and his brother Dion in 2006, with various single races of marble courses before building up to series races. This includes the Marble Rally series, where selections of marbles would run various sand track courses earning championship points along the way; the Hubelino Tournament, where a selection of marble teams would run through custom Hubelino marble run tracks; and a pair of new series, Marbula One, with established marble racing teams running through tracks; and Marbula E, a similar concept but this time with replicas of Formula E tracks, with marbles based on Formula E livery, sponsored by one of the Formula E teams, Envision Virgin Racing. Marbula E is currently going on, by the way, where after three races Mercedes is threatening to run away from the pack, and the sponsors, Envision Virgin Racing, currently sit dead last out of the twelve teams.

The crown jewel of marble racing, however, is the Marble League, this year sponsored by Last Week Tonight. Yes, John Stewart was watching this over quarantine and with everything going on, JMR was low on funds, but the show is the sponsor, including donating after each event (and the entire competition) in the winners’ names.

Formerly the MarbleLympics until trademark infringement issues got in the way (fuck the IOC), the Marble League championship pits 16 teams of five marbles through 16 events ranging from the simple, like races, either on track, sand, or water, to the extremely creative, such as high jump, funnel endurance, or block pushing. The teams are all based on a collective theme—this year’s “hosts” are Team Galactic, silvery marbles with white and brown ribbons—to make it easy to identify. It is personally difficult to identify individual marbles on a team, because yes, they do all have names (captain Cosmo, Starry, Astron, Pulsar, and Quasar) but it’s really hard to determine which of five marbles that look basically the same did what, but I’ll do my best.

We start with the Marble League qualifiers. 20 teams compete in four events to earn their spot to the Marble League 2020, with the top 12 joining hosts Team Galactic and the top three teams from ML 2019—the Raspberry Racers (raspberry/magenta colored), the Green Ducks (green with dark ribbons), and the Hazers (gray and white). They are:

Mellow Yellow (yellow marbles)
Savage Speeders (red with white and yellow)
O’rangers (orange marbles)
Jungle Jumpers (light and dark green)
Balls of Chaos (transparent with red, blue, and yellow ribbons)
Midnight Wisps (dark blue/black with light blue streaks)
Crazy Cat’s Eyes (transparent with different colored “eyes” in the middle)
Chocolatiers (brown with lighter brown stripes)
Thunderbolts (blue with yellow)
Indigo Stars (semi-transparent blue)
Pinkies (light pink)
Oceanics (ocean blue)
Snowballs (white)
Hornets (black with yellow)
Rojo Rollers (red with blue stripes)
Team Primary (yellow with red and blue)
Jawbreakers (white with red, blue, and green)
Team Momo (green, blue, and yellow)
Bumblebees (yellow with brown)
Minty Maniacs (mint green and blue, with black stripes)

For a graphic that due to formatting reasons I can’t embed, you can click here for a full rundown of who’s slotted where and the full display of active team logos. (Pour one out for the Black Jacks.)

Each team has their own lore and fun facts and outlook, which I will post for the teams that actually qualify when we get to the Marble League proper for purpose of length. And there are definitely some surprises in the qualifying group. The Savage Speeders, for instance, have never had to qualify for the Marble League due to their performance until this year, and there’s a decent chance that some of the teams who have appeared in every Marble League thus far from 2016 won’t make the cut, having to compete in the relegatory Marble League Showdown with the Shining Swarm, the Kobalts, the Turtle Sliders, and the Limers just to be able to try to qualify for next year’s Marble League, everything willing.

The qualifiers will consist of four events: block pushing (the team pushes a sled along a track), funnel endurance (single marbles from each team travel down a series of funnels; the longest time wins), balancing (the marbles as a team travel down a narrow path trying to stay on for the entire distance; points are awarded where each marble falls off), and a 5 meter sprint (self-explanatory). The points will be tallied and the top 12 will move on to the main competition at Team Galactic’s Andromedome.

For some, it’s about keeping the run going, like the O’rangers or Savage Speeders. For others, it’s about getting back to the big stage, like the Snowballs or Jawbreakers. And for others, it’s about redemption, like Mary of Team Primary (dead last in three of her four Marbula One races, 15th in the other because of a conveyor belt mishap), or the Oceanics (last year’s hosts who put on an abysmal showing), or Team Momo (injuries). Either way, starting on Thursday, everyone gets to see how things roll.

The Marble League 2020 Qualifiers will be Thursday at 1 PM Eastern. While you’re waiting, you can watch any of the other completed competitions such as past Marble League championships including last year’s, the (Sand) Marble Rally, Hubelino Tournament, and the inaugural Marbula One; or current competitions such as Marbula E and the Last Marble Standing tournament, here at the JMR YouTube page.

I swear my very delayed House of Pain will come. Keep kicking me in the shins.