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Hello sports fans, gamblers and procrastinators!
As you can see from the featured image, longtime sponsor of the Scousers, Carlsberg, have created a commemorative beer can to celebrate Liverpool’s first EPL title in decades. I personally like that Carlsberg added the asterisk on the beer can because we all know LiVARpool won the title by getting tons of help from the officials and flawed technology.
Today we have a double header of games that have relegation consequences.
Match 1: The “Save the Moosehornets” Game: (1PM EST)
Since I’ve been watching/following the EPL with you degenerates, I’ve developed a soft spot for the Moosehornets because I find it amusing that their kits look like a team that would go by the nickname of the bees, but their logo is of a moose. This will be the first game Watford will have played since shit canning their third manager of the season, Lord Palmerston Nigel Pearson. Here’s hoping Watford’s 4th manager in less than a year is a black manager because the EPL has a bit of a race problem when it comes to hiring managers.
Man Shitty are the highest scorers in the Premier League this season, scoring 93 times–and have scored 27 times in 8 games.To make things worse, the Shitty Citizens have scored 14 goals in their last two outings against Watford.
Prediction:
I really want to believe Watford is going to win this because they’re desperate and a few of their players are going to try and play well so bigger clubs can sign them (what’s up, Decourre?). Following their loss to the Arseholes, it is increasingly evident that Man Shitty look uninterested in anything but Champions league, which starts up next month. Unfortunately, Shitty’s B and C squad can wipe the floor with the Moosehornets. Shitty wins 3-1
Match 2: The “I don’t want United to sign Jack Grealish, but if United are going to sign him, he’ll be a lot cheaper if Villa get relegated” game (3:15PM EST)
This match features a mid table club and a team that should have been a midtable club after the money they spent last offseason. Villa is fighting for their EPL lives and have shown some glimpses of competence, beating Palace and drawing Disappointing Everton last match. They will need the Dollarstore’s cheap knockoff of David Beckham, Jack Grealish, to get his shit together and have a strong game. Grealish is in quite the predicament because if he does well, he might save Villa from relegation, but bigger clubs might balk at signing him next transfer window due to how much money Villa will command. If he lays an egg, his childhood club will get relegated, he’ll get sold for around 40 million and be off to bigger and better things, likely from the bench of Manchester United. Decisions, decisions.
Meanwhile, the Arseholes only have the FA Cup to look forward to and a very slight chance of qualifying for Europa.
Prediction:
Arsenal have played well since Arteta became their manager. Even if it’s a lesser Arsehole team, I don’t see Villa being able to beat them. Therefore, the Arseholes are going to win 2-1
Finally, in sad news, the Ballon d’or has been cancelled. When asked for a comment, an official said that there was no point in having this award this year if a player from either Barcelona or Real Madrid wasn’t going to win it.
Now that we know the award has been cancelled, who would have been your choice for the Ballon d’or?
Enjoy the games!
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