Eventual Balls Thoughts is BACK, BABY!

Well done to both Gumbygirl and Litre_cola (who correctly guessed without bothering to check to see if anyone else like Gumbygirl had already guessed it) who correctly guessed that the Sexy Friday theme was ladies who were wearing jerseys of Italian teams.

Today, as an intro, I have a short story on North American relations…

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Beauty eh! A Tale of North-American Cooperation and Understanding

So, a long long time ago in a Mexican beach resort far far away, I was on vacation with my brother during Spring Break. At the resort, there was a fun mix of international tourists and Mexican nationals with money.

Many things happened on that trip. Some illegal. We will gloss over that part. The part I want to discuss with you has to do with the people we met.

On one day, we met two young Canadian gals on vacation. One was cute. One was her friend.

On another day, we met two young Mexican dudes. They were cool and fun to talk shit with.

On the third day, a tropical storm hit the resort and we all hunkered down in our villa to ride it out.

With a SHITLOAD of alcohol.

Not just beer, mind you, hard alcohol. The Canadian girls represented the True North VERY well.

Anyhoo, the Mexican boys spoke very little English while the Canadian girls spoke no Spanish whatsoever. My brother and I served as translators and social lubricants.

Mexican Boy A hooked up with Canadian Girl A while Mexican Boy B did his brother a solid and fell on Canadian Grenade B.

I have not been witness to such awesome North American relations until the DFO Canadian contingent made themselves at home here.

Thank you, my Canadian DFO brothers and sisters! For making two Mexican boys very very happy many many years ago and for being my Internet friends. We may have never met in real life, but I like to think of you as friends.

Yes, there are pictures (including an EPIC picture of the empty bottles filling a table), but I don’t think I can post without people’s permissions.

For all I know, there may be a couple of brown young adults watching the hockey at a lake cottage right about now.

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The Week in DFO

Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

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Yeah ok great job NHL, let’s put one game on at 730 and the other at 8. Now what am I going to watch at 1 AM while I wait for the pink elephants to show up?

herodotus450

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Of course I bet the over in Chicago-Vegas. SCORE MORE YOU ASSHOLES!

Sharkbait

-director, men-only gangbang movie set

SonOfSpam

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“Belarus: Russia’s Taiwan” is such a great tourist slogan that next year I expect Arsenal to be wearing on the opposite shoulder from their “Visit Rwanda” patch.

Horatio

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Can’t wait to see JJ Fozz’ reply with his shadow over Bob Irsay’s grave.

Horatio

Well, that beats the photo I took of Adam Smith’s gravesite. (I was an econ major.)

Dunstan

I’m sure we wouldn’t have seen your hands anyway.

Horatio

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They should specify that you need TWO containers in the title, misleading, 2/5.

Doktor Zymm

“I’ve got a plastic bottle and a knife! I’m gonna survive!”

reads instructions

“Well, shit.”

Beastmode Ate My Baby

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“sleep with a Canadian”

You know what they say: once you go Canuck, there’s no one else you want to fuck.

Dunstan

Not a lot of “sleeping” going on when you’re with Scotchy…

Because after all the stabbing there’s soooo much cleanup to do.

herodotus450

Look, the Canadian government has apologized repeatedly for Scotchy.

Dunstan

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I find when making pesto, pronouncing basil in the British way makes it at least 10% more fun to make. Also, beware Pine Mouth.

herodotus450

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There’s been more scoring in this Dallas-Calgary game than my entire sophomore year of high school.

LemonJello

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Why doesn’t my garage have a view like that one off in the distance?

RTD

I enjoyed a nap like that yesterday. Without the tits.

Balls

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Typical over the top social media bullshit. Fire Tornado is a bonus, not a feature. Get your shit together, kids.

scotchnaut

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I really want this to be your contribution to Brick’s who are ya

Litre_cola

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Does that come in Fresh Scent or Week Old Litterbox? Because for me, it is the ammonia smell that really makes the scent come to life.

ArmedandHammered

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TWBS would’ve really enjoyed UNC opening up last week, then deciding to do remote learning because of 177 positive tests. KOLLIDGE!

SonOfSpam

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I haven’t seen a Colorado pour this much onto Arizona since the 100 Million year creation of the Grand Canyon

herodotus450

[laughs in Olduvai Gorge]

scotchnaut

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What the fuck happened to the coyotes?

Gratliff

It’s like they fell of a cliff while interacting with their adversary or something!

scotchnaut

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I’m officially on a sobriety strike until the Geneva Convention bars the use of Boston-based sports broadcasts as a a form of enhanced interrogation.

herodotus450

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That’s got to be Eddie Murphy’s favorite guitar, Damn it!

scotchnaut

I know I like it!

Gumbygirl

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This gif works every time!

Moose

It’s the googly eyes that really bring it together

Sharkbait

This GIF needs sound

Game Time Decision

Cue up the audio from “Anal Vixens 5” and it should work

SonOfSpam

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It’s a shame the JETS leader is a Q Anon conspirator. I feel like Donald Sterlining Woody Johnson would be the easiest way to start knocking off NFL owners in this climate.

And, until we start taking down NFL owners for being rotten human beings, I don’t want players taking any suspensions related to “conduct unbecoming of The Shield” or whatever.

blaxabbath

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Is that beard known as the “Cow Catcher”? It certainly looks like the front of an old steam locomotive.

ArmedandHammered

“cum” but otherwise yes.

SonOfSpam

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Tim Curry is known for being such a delicious ham, but he’s really good and oddly understated in Hunt for Red October.

Unsurprised

I’d like to arrange a meeting.

-A. Reid

Mr. Ayo

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I’ve decided that since LA County can’t be bothered to enforce mask requirements, I’m pretty safe walking the streets with a beer in hand (a.k.a. a “roadie”). This way, I get in the walk I missed out on today without interrupting my drinking.

It helps that I’m white.

Dunstan

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Regarding Sports, you’ve got to call out the asshole Trump humping Satanic cabal of owners as well. Show me an honest owner, and I’ll show you a magic unicorn that shits gold.

Cuntler

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I’m so goddamn confused right now, mostly because I’m not completely convinced that this current iteration of the Lolphins wouldn’t have signed Brock Lesnar.

Horatio

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Lady Maestro is out of town on a business trip so I am stoned on the couch and watching as much hockey as one man can manage. This is a new level of enlightenment, folks.

The Maestro

I am very happy for you. When you think you are really high, go a bit more. It’s what TWBS (and me) would do.

Litre_cola

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Fucking Carey Price

Gratliff

Worst. Pornhub. Video. Ever.

scotchnaut

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[Montreal ties it up]

“Wish I could be tied up as well… smgdh.”

– Dunstan

scotchnaut

I’m hurt that you would post my private messages to you.

Dunstan

You being hurt was the whole point of our exercise! (not seriously hurt but slightly hurt, as we agreed in the contract)

scotchnaut

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I really have to give you a hand.Jobs like this can be hard

nomonkeyfun

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COOKIETHULHU HAS A BIO!!!!

Balls

It’s called the NecroNOMONOMNOMicom

Dunstan

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I’m just curious as to what city he was referring to?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Had he kept his wits, he could have said he meant Richmond, Virginia; home of the primary manufacturing plants of Marlboro. It would have been hilarious.

Porky Prime

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found a funny:

ranch hand: have u ever ridden a horse

me: *riding it like a skateboard* ya

ranch hand: that’s not how u rid-

me: *kickflips horse*

ranch hand: holy fuckin shit

rockindog

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So today at the Post Office, I received a 8×10 1-Day Express envelope of cremated human remains, which required a signature. If you know a piece of grandma, or even a creepy uncle, is coming in the mail the next day, and you gotta sign for it, don’t you make sure that someone’s home to sign for it? Now I gotta be haunted by whomever sat on my dashboard all day.

Porky Prime

Gonna be weird when a cartel lawyer signs for it Saturday.

WCS

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Vin Scully wouldn’t resort to such crass language as that second-generation hack Brennaman. He’d find some charmingly corny way to say it, like “Those fabulous folk who enjoy their Dodger Dogs in all shapes, sizes, and colors.”

Redshirt

In all different ways…

Balls

He’d find some tasteful way to work in a mohel joke too.

Porky Prime

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Have you been following me around my entire life? I’m actually fucking dumb enough to mouth off to Satan, dumb does not equal brave, to be clear.

JJ Fozz

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The scantily clad jungle women are really “wer…” werewolves? Weretigers? [Looks around for Hippo’s judgmental look…]

Dunstan

“Werner Herzog fans?”

LemonJello

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“My honest suggestion, go get a Blacks for Trump hat and start a YouTube channel ranting about how you were mistreated. You got about 75 days left to cash in on your stupidity.”

That is … surprisingly good advice, sadly.

Dunstan

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I don’t think that’s the proper way to douche, but I’m not telling her.

Mr. Ayo

Maybe she needed something stronger, like sand blasting to get the smell of her ex off her.

ArmedandHammered

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I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear.

Or a social life.

Porky Prime

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The duly elected mayor of Buttzville.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

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You ‘Muricans are so full of yourselves. I got a D* in history but I specifically remember an inspiring Winston Churchill speech about the British having the right to masturbate “in the fields, on the beaches, on the ocean, in the air, in France” and a lot of other places.

*Nice!

scotchnaut

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Wait. wait, wait… there’s a Canadian Premier League soccer thing!?

Horatio

I’m team Beaver United

Mr. Ayo

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Btw, does anyone else think that monty has the absolutely perfect pic for a lurker that occasionally makes comments? Is it just me?

scotchnaut

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Here’s this week’s Balls’ Choice from Request Line:

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Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Please note that next week, Eventual Balls Thoughts will post on Tuesday as the AFL Beat will post in the first thing on Monday morning timeslot. Have a good week, everyone!