Your Sunday Night Football Open Thread

This thing… This fucking thing is playing with my sanity. Been holed up too long, starving on memories and something’s going to break. Soon…

I hated being out of touch with what’s going on in this town. I need to get a feel for this place so I took to walking at three or four in the morning, just snooping around. Early on I figured there might be something to be had around schools because everything was shut down. “There’s not even any need for custodians”, I thought. You see, the homeless naturally gravitate to spots where people aren’t. For the most part they want to be left alone, un-hassled by cops or any authority figure really, as they drink and fuck (if they’re lucky) and eat and sleep.

I found a school about 15 minutes away that looked promising. There were at least two entrances that I could see that had walls built around them-a perfect place to curl up with a fetid blanket and sleep off the rotgut. I looked for the tell-tale signs-cigarette butts, beer bottles, junk food wrappers but no luck. It didn’t make any sense. But then I walked around to the back and I figured I might have hit the jackpot. A huge parking lot, two baseball fields next to one another and a small forest of pines and elms behind the fields. I realized there was housing behind the forest so no doubt the decades and decades of kids that lived there created paths to get to the school and back home again. Not wishing to press my luck I peeked into the dugout and yes! the signs were all there. I marched home quickly, knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep that night.

Such anticipation! I waited until mid-morning to do my exploring and followed a trail that ended between two houses but also veered off behind a small three-story apartment complex. There was a rock outcropping with grafitti spray-painted on it so I wandered over. There was the firepit that was most likely used by teenagers on the weekend and some bums during the week, bottles strewn everywhere, of course.

As the sun was setting I crept behind the baseball field closest to the pathway and sat down by the pole on the third base line. I was a bit exposed but was certain that I couldn’t be seen unless someone were specifically looking for me. I waited. After ninety minutes or so a figure, staggering along, walked into the woods. Time for me to shine. I gave him fifteen minutes to take a leak and pass out.

Maybe it was because it had been so long but the night seemed to go silent. The air turned thick and seemed like a weight on my shoulders. No sounds at all but the crunch of pine needles underfoot. I reached the small clearing and saw my guy with his back to me. He wasn’t snoring and that was a bit surprising. I crept closer, step by step, took out my knife, raised it, rolled him over…

He had a knife in his hand and slashed at me! He opened up the side of my bicep just a little (hobos never take proper care of their knives-they’re always dull) as I almost missed entirely but managed to get under his shoulder blade. Panicking, not thinking, I grabbed at his blade as I buried mine just under the top of his jawbone. Fuck, it hurt! I was able to pin his arm to the ground with my knee. I ripped down with my knife and the floodgates opened up. He wasn’t going to hurt me anymore.

Now I was the one that staggered along the path. I was sure that the wound to my arm wasn’t that bad but the area below my thumb was opened up wide. Damn it! I was sweating profusely. There’s no way I could show up at a hospital, I would just have to do some rudimentary stitching myself and I’m not looking forward to the prospect but it has to be done.

The irony that I would have to hole up again for quite some time while the wound healed was not lost on me.

TO THE GAME!

Cowboys/Rams:

Dallas has so much frickin’ talent on O it’s ridiculous. The question then becomes, “How will they end up squandering it?”. Will their dissembled secondary give all those points right back? Don’t look for Amari to be gangbusters tonight, he’s being tailed by a friend to the site, Jalen Ramsey.

5 6 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
469 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Spur

HOLY SHIT. Dallas Defense did a thing.

herodotus450

Well at least if Cooper Kupp’s football career doesn’t work out, he’s got that Moscow Mule Mug business to fall back on.

Doktor Zymm

That interception looked accidental,like oh hey, look, it’s the ball!

Horatio Cornblower

Love that the “praise Mike McCarthy” portion of the production comes up just as the Cowboys are coming off two short and unimaginative drives. Just couldn’t have timed it any better.

Doktor Zymm

I’m glad they had horrendous video conferences in the NFL too

Viva La Tabula Raza

They were probably worse than most.

Brick Meathook

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Why are they still running the gigantic video screen for an empty stadium? It’s dangerous to give PG&E any more work than absolutely needed

Horatio Cornblower

Other than tackling and coverage I think this Dallas D has done very well tonight.

Gatoraids

Being There

26hskd.jpg
Brick Meathook

Greatest movie ever. Filmed in my hometown, back when the White House and the Washington Monument were just things that were down the street.

Gatoraids

Yeah I liked it when I saw it at like 10 Iid magine Itd be much better if I watched it now

Brick Meathook
Viva La Tabula Raza

That film was cinematic perfection. The outtakes at the end were brilliant.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Fronkenshteen

Cooper Kupp is the invisible fucking man tonight.

WCS

Never trust a man with the first name “Cooper.”

Spur

Hey at least all the fans can beat the traffic home from the game today.

Romonobyl

It’s encouraging to see the Dallas secondary taking social distancing so seriously.

Spur

Conner got blown up. Surprised Dak didnt fumble.

Horatio Cornblower

A one-point lead and McCarthy looks to grind clock with runs up the gut.

Jesus Christ.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Wakezilla

That stuffed rabbit looks like it has gone to its happy place because it knows what that Kanga is about to do to it

Gatoraids

Schultz with a catch and jerry bout to bolt our of his seat Mein Commissioner I can walk

King Hippo

Artistic? I guess he got them poisonous vaccinations smh – Jenny M.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Brick Meathook

comment image

Spur

This Thursday, Browns vs Bengals – Someone has to win.

Recovery Whiskey

The toilet, if ODB plays.

herodotus450

“Yes. Exactly.”
-Donovan M.

Gatoraids

Liver transplant surgeons

Spur

two more drinks tops. i have new hire onloading to do tomorrow. Best not to show up hungover.

Recovery Whiskey

On the contrary, nothing would prepare the noobs more for the soul-crushing path ahead than a hungover trainer. “This is a two-drink minimum company.”

Viva La Tabula Raza

The Dallas, The
—Sideshow Bob.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Spur

Yes, please, let’s relive today’s Philly Fuckup.

Romonobyl

“Who did they lose to?”
“The Football Team.”
“I know that silly, but which one?”

ballsofsteelandfury

Seeing Tom Brady sad at a football loss will never not make me happy.

LemonJello

comment image

Gatoraids

Nice 28 days later backdrop

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s my hometown!

Spur

Rams blew themselves in the 1st quarter

Gatoraids

Big if true

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They have worked on flexibility.

Spur

hey autocorrect, replaced blue with blew

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Fronkenshteen

Zik!

herodotus450

Yes, we know the play was overturned, we knew that 5 minutes ago after 5 seconds of looking at one fucking replay

Spur

Double J is going to christen in the new LA Stadium with that blonde from the 4 Seasons at halftime.

Last edited 4 years ago by Spur
Romonobyl

Dallas making critical defensive errors away from the ball and already getting depleted due to injuries, all before the 4th quarter of Game 1.
At least some things this year are back to normal.

Spur

Dak IT!

herodotus450

Yeah, because the “contact injuries” are so much more palatable, eh Cris?

LemonJello

LIGAMENTS FOR THE LIGAMENT GOD!

Gatoraids

He wanted to wax nostalgic about some head down spear paralysis that Bouniconti could be proud of

Gatoraids

Rans logo looks like some Ali Baba Avengers merchandise

LemonJello

comment image

herodotus450

Little known fact: I played the lead role of Sam Sloman in my high school’s production of “Death of a Kicker”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

Is a Polish Job a handjob using the non-dominant hand?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

If Randy Bullock kicked in Colombia, he’d be pushing up daisies by now…

Romonobyl

And you would have graduated if the shop teacher wasn’t such a liar, right?

Gumbygirl

Attention must be paid!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Fronkenshteen

So Ramsey is shadowing Gallup instead of Cooper? That’s just fucking SPIFFY.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

Cooper was supposedly banged up, and Lamb’s a rookie, so it makes some sense.

The one thing the Cowboys have is hellacious passing options. And I can’t think of anyone better suited to exploit that than Mike Fucking McCarthy.

Romonobyl

“Starting for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers…Tom Brady.”

An early revelation for the shitshow destined to be known as 2020.

Spur

At least we know the XRay room is operational

LemonJello

The room lights…sure. The actual X-ray machine? Not so fast, my friend.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Romonobyl

“I only have one glass of beer a night, Doctor.”

Doktor Zymm

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

I will never not give a Calvin & Hobbes cartoon a +1.

Spur

These slopfest isnt so bad. At least not a blow out yet.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
rockingdog

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

LemonJello

I bet she was…

ballsofsteelandfury

What’s EPA?

Petronel

An entity that should be monitoring air quality not too far away?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Whatever it is, Trump will be emasculating it soon.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s actually pretty good coverage. Not sure what else Diggs could have done there.

Spur

have longer arms

Romonobyl

Most athletic play of the game so far.

Fronkenshteen

Kupp please.

Gatoraids

Bobby B is that you

hippofant

Yeah Al, yeah, is Aldon Smith’s story a great story? Tell us more about how great it is.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He’s really hitting this commentary hard.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So, will U2 update their song to reflect t today’s events? “Sunday Covid Sunday.”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Romonobyl

Sunday Dry Cough Sunday.

Doktor Zymm

Billy Joel also needs to update “We didn’t start the fire”

Romonobyl

The relatively low score with such weak defenses is…telling.

Horatio Cornblower

Looking like the kickers could have used a preseason.

Romonobyl

“We are kickers, we kick ball…”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Want to touch my monkey?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You are just a chimp off the ol’ block.

Brick Meathook

LA Coliseum = best stadium

Gatoraids

Kitchen Stadium best stadium

Gatoraids

Best food

250px-Iron_Chef.jpeg
Brick Meathook

Rungrado Stadium: best ever

comment image

Brick Meathook

I’m studying hard to tell the difference between Koreans and Japanese. The characters in their respective alphabets are different and each culture has much different histories.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Korea = garlic. Japan, not so much, but soiled panties and Suntory whiskey available in vending machines.
Source: spent time in both places.

herodotus450

Wow so beautiful, it simulates the inside of an airport terminal almost perfectly

Doktor Zymm

Nope, disagree. That roof looks like crap.

Doktor Zymm

It looks like the bird enclosure at the zoo

clint greasewood

New Jersey should get their money back for the awful stadium the Jets/Giants play in.

Spur

you gonna ask for the mob for your money back?

Gatoraids

It’s much easier to convert I to the inevitable dump

LemonJello

No way the mob is giving any of that back.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Near simultaneous mob jokes… well done.