The scene: That terrifying location within the Wasteland known as the Taboo Region! Specifically, the bottom of the cliff where, until recently, a giant spider had been menacing Moosemas Gorilla, Horatio Cornblower, Otto’s Brain (who are all stuck in webbing) and Future Clone Lynda Carter (who is not).

Horatio Cornblower: It’s…gone?

Future Clone Lynda Carter: Looks that way. Something or someone on the clifftop got it’s attention. It’s a lucky break for us, but whoever it’s after is in big trouble.

Otto’s Brain (hanging in the web): Ah, who cares? Better them than us, amirite?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook?

Future Clone Lynda Carter (picking up a jagged rock): Right, right. Just hold on, guys, and I’ll try to get you out of those webs.

Otto’s Brain: Hey, Horatio, while we’re still stuck in this thing do you wannna do me a favor?

Horatio Cornblower: What?

Otto’s Brain: Well you’ve got that tiny voice, so how about going, “Help me! Help meeee!”

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Otto’s Brain: You know! Like that guy in The Fly.

Horatio Cornblower: Jeff Goldblum?

Otto’s Brain: No, not Goldblum! The other guy! In the original movie!

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Oh, right! Vincent Price!

Otto’s Brain: No, not Vincent Price! He was in Return of the Fly! Gah! Didn’t any of you grow up watching Creature Features?

Future Clone Lynda Carter (hacking away at the webbing): Vincent Price was in The Fly, but he wasn’t the fly. He was the fly’s brother. David Hedison was the original fly.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook?

Horatio Cornblower: Yeah, how did you know that?

Future Clone Lynda Carter: What? I know things!

Horatio Cornblower: So did you and Moose play a lot of Trivial Pursuit or…?

Future Clone Lynda Carter (sighing): Well if you must know, David Hedison guest-starred on an episode of Wonder Woman.

Otto’s Brain (still love-struck): I watched that every week!

Horatio Cornblower: I’m pretty sure we all did.

Future Clone Lynda Carter finally frees Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower from the sticky web and then, with Moosemas Gorilla carefully holding her up, cuts Otto’s Brain free.

Otto’s Brain (still love-struck): Gee, thanks, Miss Carter!

Future Clone Lynda Carter (holding Otto’s Brain): No problem, but if it’s all the same to you guys, I think we should get out of here. That spider’s going to come back and I really don’t want to be here swapping movie trivia when it does.

Otto’s Brain: Good idea! But I have one question.

Future Clone Lynda Carter: What is it, Otto?

Otto’s Brain: Can keep you carrying me? I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been!

Cut to: Covalent Blonde, Beerguyrob and the amorphous yellow blob known as Lemonjello, who are waiting by the monster truck for their friends to return from whizzing off of the nearby clifftop.

Covalent Blonde (to Beerguyrob): So, where are Lord Revisisle and the Low Commander?

Beerguyrob: Ah, back at our base camp. We kind of set up shop here.

Covalent Blonde: I was gonna ask you about that. You had the RV, why not just come back to 2020?

Beerguyrob: We talked about it, but after watching the historical documentaries LC dug up about the plagues, the fires, the storms, the firestorms, the firenadoes and the elections, it just seemed easier to stay here.

Lemonjello (nodding): Borble!

Covalent Blonde: Firenadoes…?

Beerguyrob (nodding): A tornado of fire. It’s a thing, CB.

Covalent Blonde (looking at the bleak, desolate landscape): So you’re telling me that living in a bombed-out hellscape with giant scorpions and rampaging hordes of mutants is better than… Actually, yeah, I can see your point.

Suddenly the sound of terrified screams resonates throughout the desert, and Covalent Blonde and Beerguyrob turn to see Brick Meathook, Mr. Ayo and WCS frantically running back to the truck.

Mr. Ayo (panicked): Spider! Big spider!!!

WCS (frightened): Yuuuuge spider!

Covalent Blonde: Geez, guys, really? Do you need me to go squash it for you?

Brick Meathook (stoned): Not unless you’ve got a M110 self-propelled howitzer packing an 8-inch M106 high-explosive round.

WCS (confused): Come again?

Brick Meathook: Oh, I suppose you’d go with a M650 HERA round? Well let me tell you something, those are strictly for long-range assault, smart guy, and that thing is going to be on top of us in no time!

WCS (even more confused): I am not stoned enough for this conversation.

Mr. Ayo: The point is, there’s a spider the size of a house coming up the cliff, and it seems to be a bit perturbed at us.

Covalent Blonde: Great. Leave it to you guys to piss off a giant spider.

WCS: Well, more like piss on…

Covalent Blonde: Look, I squashed a giant scorpion with my monster truck, I think I can take care of…

Covalent Blonde stops to stare in amazement as the giant spider starts to climb over the clifftop.

Beerguyrob: Holy crap! That thing is yuuuuge!

WCS: I told you that!

Covalent Blonde: But that thing’s really big! Like a two-story house!

Beerguyrob: With an attached garage! And a full basement!

Lemonjello: Borble!!!

Brick Meathook (ushering WCS and Mr. Ayo into the truck): Look, I say we hold off on measuring the square footage of the giant spider and get the hell out of here!

Beerguyrob, Covalent Blonde and Lemonjello follow suit, piling into the front seat.

Brick Meathook (confused, from the back seat): Wait, I had shotgun…

Covalent Blonde (from the passenger side): And I was driving!

Beerguyrob (behind the wheel): Whoops! Well, I guess I’ll just have to drive!

Mr. Ayo (looking out the side window): Um, guys…?

Covalent Blonde: The hell you will! This thing is brand new…

Brick Meathook and WCS (in unison): We know! We know!

Mr. Ayo: (looking out the side window in alarm): Guys…?!!

Beerguyrob (firing up the engine): Don’t worry, CB, I won’t get a scratch on it…

Suddenly a monolithic shadow falls over the monster truck. The giant spider has closed in and, with the flick of a huge foreleg almost knocks the truck over. The vehicle tips up on two wheels, then comes crashing down as it rights itself.

WCS (from the back seat): Yeah, that’s gonna leave a mark.

Covalent Blonde’s furious and likely profane response is cut short by Beerguyrob, who guns the engine and hits the gas. The monster truck roars away, spraying the giant spider with dust, dirt and gravel. If a spider could glare, this one does, all eight eyes squinting in anger as it chases after the vehicle.

Lemonjello: Burble?!!

Beerguyrob: I’ve got this! There’s no way that thing can catch up to us!

A giant spider leg comes crashing down in front of the truck. Beerguyrob steers hard to the left, fighting to keep control, then counter-steers like mad to avoid flipping over. Everyone else alternates between bouncing in their seats and hanging on for dear life.

WCS (from the back): Geez, Rob, if we wanted to die, CB could’ve driven!

Covalent Blonde (looking back): I heard that, you little…

Brick Meathook (looking out the front window): Wait! Rob, do you see that?

Beerguyrob: Holy cow! Is that…the RV?!!

WCS (recoiling as a spider leg bashes the speeding truck): We’d better hope so, or we’re all going to be doing our best David Hedison impressions!

Everyone inside the truck is silent. The only sound is the roar of the engine and the stomping of the nearby giant spider. Quizzical looks are exchanged, and finally Beerguyrob breaks the embarrassed silence.

Beerguyrob: Um…who?

To be continued…