Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

They carelessly let their dead kings explode – in incredibly gruesome fashion.

THE EXPLODING CORPSE

Date: 28 January 1547

Location: Syon House, West London

Henry VIII died as he lived: as a complete piece of shit.

As you have seen from my previous writings, I have no fondness for the man. Indeed, his life serves as a warning of the dangers of combining too many vices into a single person.

At any rate, at the end of Henry’s life – after six marriages, numerous wars, and a complete destruction of the Catholic Church in England – the once-merry monarch was a miserable, obese goblin of a man. With a festering wound on his leg that never healed properly – sustained in a jousting accident – Henry hung on for ten more years, eating and drinking himself to the point where he was estimated to be about 400 pounds. (Scholars and historians have noted with verifiable accuracy that he had a 54-inch waist when he died.) He was 55 years old, but had the life of several men combined into a shortened timeframe and body.

This brings us now to the issue of his body. What to do with it?

With Henry VIII so monstrously large, he naturally required a custom coffin to even fit his grotesque corpse. The coffin in question was lined with lead – making it even heavier. This coffin, while stately, was ill-suited for the funeral procession that was to commence shortly.

After lying in state for a few days at the old palace of Whitehall, the royal court began its procession to Windsor – about 23 miles or so – which would take at least two days. In an unusual move, Henry opted not to be buried at Westminster Abbey alongside the rest of his family – he preferred to lie in eternal slumber next to his third wife, Jane Seymour (the mother of Henry’s only legitimate son, Edward VI), in then-rural Windsor Castle. After the first day of travel, the procession stopped at Syon House, an estate owned by the Duke of Northumberland, to rest for the night.

While at Syon House, the coffin was left unattended for a while. Unfortunately for the funeral procession, this was a big mistake.

As the mourners awoke the following morning to retrieve Henry, still lying in the coffin, they entered to an absolutely foul stench. One theory is that a few dogs got into the coffin and mauled the king’s body beyond recognition – but the more popular, and more likely, theory is that due to the buildup of gases in the corpse, the body ended up exploding.

And it gets worse. Despite travelling in a lead-lined coffin, the seams weren’t properly sealed… so all of the rotten fluids and juices leaked out of the coffin onto the floor. Eyewitnesses recalled seeing the dogs licking the mess up off the floor. Disgusting. A team of workmen had to be summoned in order to re-seal the coffin before the journey could continue – just imagine having to work in the awful stench. Unbearable to picture. 

While Henry was eventually laid to rest in Windsor, others believed his rotten putrid flesh getting eaten by dogs was divine judgement for destroying the Catholic Church in England (and thus punishment for having confiscated Syon Abbey, which was adjacent to the House, and putting the wealth of the Church into royal control over a decade prior).

To further twist our metaphorical knife, the “temporary” tomb where Henry VIII was buried ended up being his final resting place – his grandiose plans for an elaborate mausoleum were never realized – the cost was prohibitively expensive, and the parts that were constructed ended up getting sold off during the reign of Oliver Cromwell as Lord Protector of England during the Civil War in the 1640s. The coffin was left to rot, and the paint peeled off, the wood cracked, and the seals on the lead also broke again. The space designated for his self-aggrandizing monument ended up becoming a temporary memorial to Queen Victoria’s husband, Prince Albert, after his death in 1861. 

A disgusting man with a disgusting end to his life. You can’t tell me he was human. Fuck Henry VIII.

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here,  and here.