Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

They used to prosecute anyone who tried to commit suicide.

THE DEPRESSION POLICE

Date: Prior to August 3rd, 1961

Location: All of England & Wales

Since the earliest fusion of Church and Roman law, suicide was a crime in England. According to early Catholic theologians like St. Augustine of Hippo and St. Thomas Aquinas, suicide was a crime against God, as it showed a “disregard for the will and authority of God”, who bequeathed life upon each human body. By preventing a person from reaching salvation – even if the person in question was yourself – you were committing a sin, in the eyes of the Church. As England evolved as a nation, developing a more complex criminal and civil code over the centuries after the end of Roman rule, suicide remained on the books as both a sin and a crime. Even the split from the Catholic Church never took suicide off the books as a sin or a crime. Those who committed suicides weren’t given a Christian burial – no visitors or prayers allowed, the body being thrown into a pit and a wooden stake driven through it, pinning it down so that it couldn’t be reanimated by demons. (I already some readers who will think this is awesome. Cut that shit out. We need as many witty comments on here as we can get, and corpse humour is always a little stiff to me.)

Even through the emergence of a “modern” England, suicides were still regularly prosecuted. Up to 1822, if a person – most typically a man – was found guilty of suicide, all of their assets would be forfeited to the Crown. Families could end up on the street if someone committed suicide – which seems insane compared to societies like ancient Greece or imperial Japan, where suicide was seen as a far more honourable alternative to being defeated in battle or dealing with a crippling long-term illness. 

In the early 20th century, prosecutions for suicide were regularly reported on in the news – in 1956 alone, police were aware of 5,387 failed suicide attempts, of which 613 were prosecuted. Of those charged, most got either a fine or probation, but thirty-three people went to prison that year alone. 

In the earlier 20th century, a man who “drank something bad” on the front steps of the famed St. Paul’s Cathedral in London got a week in prison for attempting suicide in 1923. Another in June 1953 tried to shoot himself with an old WWII-era revolver, but failed; he got a £25 fine for his troubles. In 1958, a man shot himself in the head – but didn’t die. Despite languishing in severe pain next to the decomposing body of his wife, he ended up with a six-month prison sentence for the failed suicide attempt. 

By the late 1950s, the idea of suicide as a criminal was no longer tenable, though when brought up in the House of Commons, it was the cause of considerable debate. MP Charles Fletcher-Cooke, representing the Tories in Darwen from 1951 through 1983, tried for a decade to pass a bill decriminalizing suicide in England and Wales; in 1961, his hard work finally paid off, and suicide remains decriminalized to this day. The Church of England has also somewhat changed its position on the nature of suicide; since the act is clearly done out of desperation (unless you’re an Everton fan, that is), it’s important to offer counselling services and psychotherapy to actually try and help the individual, rather than criminalizing the act itself. It still remains a sin, however, so don’t do it (though exceptions may or may not exist for Everton fans). 

Despite the forward progress, however, medically-assisted death remains illegal in the UK – and it probably will be for the foreseeable future. The specific wording of section 2(1) of the Suicide Act passed by Fletcher-Cooke establishes the legal principle that “A person who aids, abets, counsels or procures the suicide of another, or attempt by another to commit suicide shall be liable on conviction on indictment to imprisonment for a term not exceeding fourteen years.” 

Even though the act of committing suicide is no longer criminal, helping a person commit suicide in any manner remains a crime. This puts England into a weird legal limbo about medically-assisted death… with no particular political appetite to change things, either. 

So, to sum up: don’t kill yourself, please. It’s inhumane. Though apparently not as inhumane as the existence of being English. 

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, and here.