Part 3: Into The Realm of The Swoosh

Setting: Autzen Stadium, Eugene, OR. February 25, 2021

In the parking lot, Pete Carroll & John Schneider are standing outside their car, preparing to go inside for a meeting. Schneider has a “who farted” look on his face.

John Schneider: *sniffing*  Jesus, does this whole state smell like patchouli?

Pete Carroll: C’mon John. It’s Eugene. What should it smell like?

JS: Well, it is Phil Knight’s town, so I would expect… his balls.

PC: Eww, that’s not a visual I need.

JS: (ignoring Pete Carroll’s disgust)   Just his old man balls. After running laps. In the rain. While trying to conjure up a new shade of green he can trademark between Grass Green and Lime Green,

because those weirdoes don’t have enough fucking jerseys. It’s like a god-damned Gaga concert every time they play.

PC: stays quiet, as he doesn’t want to respond.

JS: More likely, I expected then that god-awful Nike cologne. I figure the campus has it always coming out of mist sprayers. *shakes his head*  God forbid you go more than five minutes at this school without a color change reminding you that your degree is in league with a brand.

PC: Well, I’ve worn Drakkar since the 80s, so no problems here.

JS: Well, thank God the Dead didn’t tour this year, or we’d be tripping over hippies and their grandchildren in this parking lot. ♫♫ Casey Jones you’d better….watch your speed ♫♫ Christ, I’d hate to disturb that bonding moment.

PC: I don’t know. Bill Walton is always trying to get me to join him at one of those shows. They sound pretty fun. Closest I came was playing volleyball with his son at some “Fletch” thing he was doing for charity.

JS: THAT sounds like fun. Sun. Sand. Drinks on the beach. Laker girls. “Moon River…”

Anyway, who are we meeting?

PC: Mario Cristobal. He’s the head coach. 

JS: Did he take over when Chip Kelly left?

PC: Nah. He (looks through folder)  is a couple of coaches removed from Chip’s era. He did win two NCAA titles at Miami, though.

JS: Coaching?

PC: No, as a player. Played for Jimmy Johnson & Dennis Erickson. 

JS: What’d he play?

PC: (looks through folder)  Offensive tackle.

JS: Nice! Then he should know what he’s talking about. (reaches for door handle)  Let’s go have a chat!

Both men exit the car & proceed to walk inside the building.

———————————————————-

Cut to Mario Cristobal’s office inside Autzen Stadium.

PC: Hi Mario. Thanks for giving us some time.

Mario Cristobal: No problem Pete. I’ve always been a big fan…

JS: *coughs*  AHEM!

MC: Yessir. A big fan of what both of you have done up there in Seattle. In a way, you are partly responsible for my being here at Oregon.

PC: How so, Mario?

MC: Well, when Chip left for the pros, you guys dropped quite a few beatings on him, to the point where he just couldn’t come back here. And with what happened to his coaching tree because of the sanctions, it set me up for my first Power Five head coaching position. So, in a way, your success has led to my success, and for that I thank you.

JS: nods in approval at the recognition

PC: Well, I’m glad to hear you are making the most of the opportunity. You’ve certainly done some fine things here at Oregon.

MC: Thank you. *sees John Schneider about to cough again*  Thank you both. Now, how can I help you?

PC: Well, we wa–  Pete Carroll is interrupted

JS: Tell me Manny, why does Oregon insist on wearing different jerseys for every game?

MC: Well, there are a couple of reasons. But we’re all professionals here – which answer do you want?

JS: It’s because of shoe-boy, isn’t it?

MC: Well sir, all I can say is that Mr. Knight is a wonderful benefactor to the university as a whole,

and – Pete, you know this – sometimes you have to make… ‘accommodations’ for the elite alumni.

Pete Carroll allows himself to daydream for a moment. His mind drifts back to his USC days…

JS: Pete?! You good?

PC: *startled*  J- J- John, we’re off topic. Mario, we want to ask you about Penei.

MC: Sure Pete. Anything. But before I answer, I have to ask – who is Russell going to?

PC: Beg pardon?

MC: Penei is an outstanding talent. Best kid I’ve ever coached. He’s expected to go top-5.

JS: *incredulous tone*  So? What’s your point, Julio?

MC: Forgive my impudence, but you guys don’t draft until the second round.

PC: Uhh…

MC: Penei won’t make it past 9:00PM on Draft Day 1. The only way you are getting him is if you get someone else’s pick.

PC:

MC: So, Pete, coach to coach, where’s he going?

PC:

JS: That’s it, we’re out of here. Smoke bomb!

       John Schneider gets up & bolts for the door.

PC: (sheepishly rising)  Sorry Mario. I guess we wasted your time. Thanks again.

MC: No worries. Pete.

JS: (randomly waves from doorway)  See you around, Claudio.

PC: *sighs*  Good luck, Mario.

JS: PETE! Let’s go!  (grabs Pete Carroll by the arm)

MC: Say, Pete – when the alumni eventually turn on me, could I give you a call?

PC: (being dragged away)  Sure Mario. Anytime.

MC: (raised voice)  Thanks Pete!

———————————————————-

Outside the offices, walking to the car, Pete Carroll & John Schneider are having an argument

PC: C’mon John. What was that for?

JS: Christ, Pete. There was no reason in talking about him if the kid was out of our range. Waste of time! I’ll just wait for Mike Brown to draft him & then offer up a bunch of shiny trinkets & one-dollar bills.

PC: I guess. It just seemed kind of rude…

JS: That’s business, baby. You know how it goes: “If the stripper ain’t taking her clothes off, there’s no point bringing out the wallet.” Anyway, let’s hit the road. We’ve got more stops to make.

PC: Okay, but let’s stop by Mickey D’s.

JS: Not a sponsor!

PC: C’mon man, I need something. Mario was gonna feed us, and I haven’t eaten since breakfast. Starbucks, then?

JS: Sure thing Pete. That works. Do you still have your employee discount?

PC: You know it. Love those paninis. That 20% off ain’t free, though! The staff were real dicks at the charity day.

JS: Whatever. *Starts car*  Next stop – Cali! FUCK THIS TOWNNNNNNN!!!!

To be continued…