Ladies, gents and monsters, welcome to the first of many, many game intros. These are merely an excuse for me to type a funny or a tidbit or a rumour or an observation or somesuch. Then it’s your turn to do the very same thing-we being all eaglegalitarian on this site.

To The Games!

Eagles/Falcons:

Will anyone watch these two deeply flawed teams flubber their way to a W? Philly’s pass game should be a slight upgrade over the travesty it was last year. Atlanta’s run game is an afterthought now that Pitts has joined Ridley-and did they ever fix that secondary? Nope, that’s a multi-year project.

Steelers/Bills:

Buffalo has a winner! You don’t hear that too often. Thing is, they’re a fun team to watch. Allen actually reminds me of a very young Ben in that he can make every throw despite how he’s set in the pocket or how many defenders he has draped around him because his arm strength is just that phenomenal.

Vikes/Bengals:

Prediction? Ja’Marr Chase will catch the football multiple times. Did Cincy reinforce the o-line for Burrow the way that the Chargers did for Herbert though? Gotta protect those assets kids-that’s why I wear a corset.

Niners/Lions

I wonder if Coach Booyah! can beat the 7.5 line at home. I took Hockenson everywhere I could because Detroit plum forgot about the wr unit during the offseason.

Cards/Titans:

Arizony has aspirations of making the playoffs, Tennessee wants the AFC Championship Game. He’s fine for this year but how long does Henry’s window remain open?

Seahawks/Colts:

Remember that guy in your money league that was running away from everyone for 8 weeks until Wilson stopped cooking? His comeuppancery was sweet, wasn’t it? My fantasy bet this year is that next year Taylor is drafted at 1.1.

Chargers/TEAM

My theory, which is mine, is that Herbert is going to roll on his merry way again this year. “But coaches have seen tape!”, you say in a huffy manner. Yeah, well, they saw tape last year and Herbert is a worker and there should be more wrinkles in the passing game.

Jets/Panthers

Can’t help but think that Darnold pronounces ‘revenge’ the same way that Python guy did in A Fish Called Wanda. If he can pronounce it at all. Aside from Lawrence, the most impressive rook qb I saw in preseason was young Wilson. He was composed, had pocket awareness, went through his reads and made his throws. Hopefully the den of iniquity that is Hell York City doesn’t engulf him. Off in the distance, a mother despairs…

Jags/Texans:

Guh. Nobody cares.

Enjoy your first full day of the pros in quite some time. I bought a carton of Marlboros so there’s no reason for dad to go for a walk so we should be fine on that front. Do that thing you do.