Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 9, 2021 Season

Well, that was weird, yeah?

I am quite happy not to deal with SurvivoUr pool the rest of the season.  The last few weeks have broken my brain.  But I get a mini-last laugh – when I switched my money pool entry to Brokeback’s Bills?  I also ML bet the Jaguras ($20 at +650), so I still got more than my entry fee back.  FUCK OFF, UNIVERSE.

Yes, that DOES mean that Brokeback went into Duuuuuvvvvvaaaaalllll and took the loss, 9-6.  I didn’t watch the game other than RedZone Channel (when I flipped away from me Donks), but it sure seemed like some goofy-ass play calling.  Brokeback was fairly consistently awful (finishing at 5.6 YPA with 2 picks and a lost fumble), yet McDermott gave a total of NINE carries to his RBs.  Urban Meyer may be a creeper, but he’s no fool.  He kept blitzing and blitzing, causing more and more fuckups.  Prison Girlfriend had an even shittier 4.5 YPA, but he didn’t fuck up and that’s all his side needed.  Ugly game, and then some.

Very excited to see my Donks (local Fox coverage in North Cakalaky, no less) go into JerralWorld and fuck the Non-Gendered Cowpersons the fuck up.  It was 16-nil at the half, and Dallas SEEMED to turn momentum early in Q3 with a blocked punt.  But alas, they quasi-Leon Letted it, touching the ball a yard and a half past the line of scrimmage.  But that touch acts like a MUFF, and Denver recovered on its own 19.  That was SHORT of the first down marker, and Dallas never secured possession with its bad touching (PHRASING).  Yet, by rule – Denver ball, 1st and 10 anyway.  Fucking beautiful.  The lead swelled to 30-zip before two garbage scores (and equally garbage 2-point conversions) took the final to 30-16.  Apparently Cap’n BlueBunny has Dak! on his fantasy team.  Judge Jeudy also had a nice game (hides from Scotchy).

Baltimore looked to join the surprise losers club, trailing 17-3 early, then surrendering a TD return on the 2nd half kickoff to go back down 24-10.  But they got the next three scores before fucking up and having to settle for Extra Time.  This game was weird as fuck, but I couldn’t really follow it.  It looked like BAL would get in FG range at the end of regulation, but Lamar! took a bad sack.  Then, they marched down the pitch on the opening drive of OT…only to turn the ball over in long FG range.  Dingleberry – since he didn’t absolutely, positively HAVE to get anything done – went three and out.  This was one chance too many, as the Ratbirds burned the rest of the clock and Tucker kicked the winner, 34-31.

Like most folk, I assumed that last week’s surprise WKRP derp said more about their opponent (Mike White’s spunky Jest) than the Bengals.  But no, they were apparently frightened by the spotlight, laying an even bigger turd this week.  At home no less, in the Battle FOAR Ohio.  Maybe the Battle to LEAVE Ohio?  #ThePauls sure put on a “we are so glad to be rid of OBJ” performance, winning 41-16.  It was an absolute evisceration.

Hey, y’all.  Anyone ever mention that Sam Darnold is as bad at FITBAW as the Neanderthal medical/science “critical thinking” he shares with Spirit Animal Qaaron?  Christian McCaffrey returned, but it meant fuckall with Touch of Downs playing that badly.  Grumblelord was more than happy to sit back and accept the precious gifts.  The Legend of White Mac had a pick and a lost fumble in the first half, ended up only throwing 18 forward passes in a non-weather game – and won 24-6.  It was almost exclusively Darnold fuckuperry.  Don’t look now, but New England is 5-4, including a perfect 4-0 away from Masshole Land.  Just throw everyone in the AFC playoff blender, it ain’t make no sense.

New Orleans alternated between Magic Undies and Monkey Trev at QB, with much less impressive results.  Despite facing the shit-ass Falcons instead of MRSA Dreamboat and the Bucs.  It was 24-6 ATL with like 10 minutes to play.  And somehow, the Saints – despite no big plays that I can remember – raced for THREE consecutive TDs.  But they missed both 2-pointers, and gave up a billion yards on a short out to Cordarrelle Patterson (who continues to be a thing).  This set up Younghoe for a chippy (PHRASING REDUX), and a 27-25 Falcons win.  Atlanta is somehow 4-4, despite seeming like the worst team in the League every other game.

Football is weird as fuck, which is mostly why we love it.  Weird and beautifully violent.

That’s Rikki’s Raiders! didn’t quite pull off the happy ending to close out their most recent Very Special Episode week.  Fuck, it has to be exhausting to be in that locker room, ya know?  Instead, Los Gigantes wore the Loveable Losers Cloak of Destiny, grinding out a 23-16 win that was the stuff of Dave Gettleman’s wettest dreams.  Vegas even missed a 25-yard FG that would have cut the NYG Q4 lead to a single point. Nobody was involved that I remember to be named Bob, but still…Not Great, Bob!

Tua was a late scratch, and Tyrod Taylor returned for the 500s.  This is what put me off my crazy play of ONE WIN Miami in SurvivoUr, godfuckingdamnit.  Never ye mind, LOLfins win 17-9.  There is nothing else to be said about this miserable game.

The late slate was light (three fixtures), with a very pre-season feel.  Jordan Love’s Packers against the reeling Chefs (America’s Game of the Week, hee hee).  COLT MOTHERFUCKING McCOY leading the Qards into Santa Clara, with no Th’Andre Hopkins, neither.  Yeesh.

Which leaves what would be the most interesting late tilt, Clippers du Merde dodging batteries in Philly.  Fun symmetry – the first CdM possession started on their own 1-yard line.  Herbert the Duck took them on a 98.5-yard drive, but a 4th down pass to Keenan Allen got stuffed about 6 inches short.  Herbert shook off his cold streak to have an excellent half, while PHI played the role of 1970s Oklahoma (running the ball 22 of 24 plays at one point, including 2-minute drill).  Hurts had to throw on 3rd and goal, meaning they’d settle for a FG and 10-7 halftime lead.  It wouldn’t hold up, but then Hurts magically turned into a professional quartered back.  But Herbie the Duck got the ball last, and bled the clock all the way out before the winning placement kick.  27-24, Clips.

Naturally, those Colt McCoy Qards raced out to a 17-nil lead over the Tomsulas.  Because (i) FITBAW; and (ii) perhaps Baby Shanny is losing his team.  There was also lots and lots of lawyerball.  None of which can I even attempt to ‘splain.  Janeane found Kittle (not in the middle) to cut the halftime margin to 10.  But the third quarter belonged to…Colt Goddamned McCoy, because fuck my life.  31-17, Qards win.

Packers/Chefs was just an absolute shitshow.  In a different manner than BUF/JAX, but similar in overall quality.  A quasi-garbage time, 4th down conversion score (to Lazard, totally fucking me raw in fantasy) made it Chefs 13, Packers 7.  It was never, ever in doubt, though.  Mahomes checked down successfully enough to bleed the rest of the clock.

We needed an interesting SNF matchup, and I’d say that Tits/RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! qualifies.  Even better?  A game which allows (i) Hippo to go bed at the half; and (ii) DonT to be sufficiently tumescent to cut glass.  Picture, if you will, an early 3-nil Los Angeles lead.  Tennessee is “forced” to punt, but DonT has learned us the ways of The Weapon.  Downed inside the 5, and the match is completely flipped inside-out.  Fatty does his best Dakota Jeebus imitation (from only last week), Tits ball on the Rams’ 2.  Followed by a Pick Six all the way on the very next set of downs.  Fucking unreal.  Tanny Fanny takes in a naked bootleg on 4th and goal, and its all over but the DonT memes.  Which I can review in the morning.  Good show, Tit Men.