Instant Hippo Thoughts

Fuck, was I ever in a salty mood to start this mid-November Sunday.  But thankfully, the NFL came to my rescue, with a truest of shitshows.  Thanks to a rash of blowouts throughout the window, we got to see quite a bit of Yinzers/Lions.  Forever, the game that knocked out SEA/AZ’s 6-6 masterpiece from a few seasons back.  We achieved The Perfect Draw.  2021 has given us the gift of The Old Yeller Game.

Consider, if you will, the case of Baby Buster.  Somehow, he was even shittier than he’s been at any time during DET’s 0-8 start.  He completed a TOTAL of 11 forward passes in normal time.  For 54 yards.  Yet, his team made it to OT, 16-all.  On the road, in a barely-spray-painted Pennsylvania parking lot.  Heck, his side even lined up for a potential winning FG in the extra period.  Which they hilariously missed.  After a holding call on 3rd and 4, that cost them the decisive yardage.

MAGAt Rudolph then got his crew on the far outside of FG range, with 15 seconds to play and no timeouts.  He completed a yuuuuggggge 1-yard pass to his TE.  Who was in the process of being tackled in bounds, to end the game.  But he fumbled, and DET recovered.  To end the game.  Dan Campbell tried hard to be the first coach to lose 17 regular season NFL games, bizarrely calling his last timeout on PIT’s 3rd and 4 play, with 1:20 left.  But history would not be denied, and the game was taken out back and shot, after a half-hearted lateral play waltzed out of bounds at the PIT 40.

God, it was so beautiful.  Perfection.

Made up for the likes of Buffalo running train on the Jest, 45-17.  Maybe independent filmmaker Mike White (4 INTs) ain’t quite gonna Wally Pipp Zach Wilson, after all.  Or is it Zack?  Fuck it, who cares.  Three different Bills RB went to the touchdown place.  You started NONE of them.

That wasn’t even the shittiest match, thanks to ATL/DAL.  On their FIFTH first half TD drive, Cap’n BlueBunny went for two, after a “12 men” BLEERGH on the extra point.  Just because he could.  They made it, and it was 36-3 at the half.  Exactly 12x of the trailing team’s total.  How rare you reckon THAT is?  Our Non-Gendered folk only piled on once in Q3, and 43-3 is your final.  Cooper Rush even got to play!

Despite last week’s Fuck You, OBJ! performance, it appears that neither Baker, Baker, the Turnover Maker nor #ThePauls in general are worth a shit.  Believeland actually went up 7-nil in Foxborough, but then the rest of the game happened.  The Legend of White Mac intensifies, and Grumblelord has New England back in bidness.  45-7, even after Bill put in the walk-ons.  Just brutal.

With all these blowouts, one suspects maybe the MRSA Boiz would put up video game numbers in our nation’s capital(‘s exurbs).  But you’d be wrong.  Heinecke and pals took leads of 16-3 and 23-13, before a dumb turnover gifted MRSA Dreamboat a short field.  Instant TD followed, but Succup fucked up the extra point.  Still, with like 11 minutes to play, you could see where things were headed.  But the Dacteds kept the ball for NINETEEN plays and all but 30 seconds of the clock.  Because the announcers are moe-rons, they expected “you’d have to go field goal” on 4th and goal FROM THE 1.  Why?  The maths isn’t anywhere CLOSE.  For one, a kickoff is fundamentally entropic, in a situation where the opposition needs an open field.  Second…Tampa would need a TD either way.  Why give them the ball at the 25 OR BETTER as opposed to the 1?  With 30 seconds and NO timeouts?  It would take a miracle just to get into miracle (Hail Mary) range!  Anyway, Washington scored and won 29-19.  Because Rivera also had the sense to kneel on the conversion, since the ONLY way for the Bucs to catch them would be to return the try for two of their own.  Good jerb, Coach!

Duval’s pride and joy actually hung pretty tough, after spotting Indy a 10-zip lead (blocked first drive punt for a TD).  Prison Girlfriend actually got the ball back at 23-17, with 2:20-ish and 2 timeouts.  Sadly, just into Fat Hump territory…he dropped the soap.  23-17, it would stay.  Close, yes.  Boring, also yes.

As bad as that window was, I should have noticed MOAR of Tits/Saints.  You’d think Saints would shy away in the presence of Tits…and it sure started that way.  Aided by some very poor (but sassy!) Sassy Ref officiating, Tennessee jumped to a 20-6 lead, later 23-12.  But New Orleans showed an almost-pulse, getting a FG to set up one last chance.  Monkey Trev even made a very nice TD throw on 3rd and 13.  But the two pointer (from the 7, because it was a “Shitty Saints” week, and they did nothing the easy way) wasn’t even close, nor was the onsider.  23-21, Tits still in the AFC driver’s seat.

Purple Balls Jesus is still really bad, though.  TN got less than 300 yards on offense (total), which is quite the red flag.  We shall see.

If the early slate was cold, 5-days in the fridge lasanga, then I guess the late slate was…a lukewarm gas station burrito?

CBS was super excited for All The Dumb Narrative, with Q-aaron re-taking the field against a very-not-healthy Charmslinger.  Combined, the two squadrons maged THREE first half points.  THREE.  It was in Wisconsin, but the weather was fine.  It took until 10:37 remained for a real score to happen, an AJ Dillon run.  10-zip, Green Bay, which escalated to 17.  Meh.  It snowed at the end, though!

I was a tad concerned about my Donks’ ability to string two good performances together.  And they justified my lack of faith, and then some.  Cool all-mango coloUr rush home kit, though!  I have nothing else nice to say.  Philly 30, Sad Donks 13.

Just a reminder that Colt Shitlicking McCoy beat my money team last week.  He did his usual self-shitting this week, and allowed Matt Rhule to fan service (on the road) with Cam Newton.  A TD (running) on his first play back, and another TD (throwing, like 2 yards) on his first pass back.  23-zip at the half, and everyone pretty much went through the motions after that.  Qards did manage a Q3 field goal, so good for them!  Random third-stringer finished the last quarter-plus.  His first NFL play?  Sacked on 4th and 12.  Gimped over the finish line at 34-10.

Vikes/Clips?  Marginally better!  Everyone wave to yeah right!!  Minny raced to a 13-3 lead in front of the home/Southern California SKOL-friendly crowd.  But you know how they are, always reverting to the mean.  17-13, Clippers du Merde, before one could even yell SPANOI!  But back went the yo-yo, and Minny takes a 27-17 lead, converting TWO 4th and goals from the 1.  Surely they could hang on for 9 minutes and change, as discombobulated as Herbert the Duck was?

Yeah, they could.  27-20, SKOL.  Solid clock/game management on their last drive, even.

I don’t want to write up Chefs/That’s Rikki’s Raiders! so I ain’t gonna.  You’ll watch or you won’t.  FUCK IT.