Let’s be honest, our nation is F.U.C.K.E.D.

It doesn’t matter what side of the aisle these politicians sit on; they wallow like greedy sow at the trough. Rooting and snuffling as the slop plugs their nostrils and causes them to barf, and they eat it up again.

They don’t give two soggy shakes of an overcooked noodle about us poor huddled masses.

But, don’t worry, I have created a scenario where I am president and am laying out my plans for an America that snorts gunpowder, shits lightning, and fires howitzers out of its nostrils.

The Party

Fuck all of the established parties. I’m making my own. It’s a play on DFO, but I’m calling DFA. Stands for Doing Fucking Awesome. No donkey, no elephant, I’m using a black leopard with bits of flesh and the American flag hanging from its dagger like fangs. Plenty of blood on the muzzle.

Foreign Policy

Basically, “Who in fuck are you looking at?”

Foreign countries who give us shit, we’re stomping a fucking mudhole in your ass and walking it dry. Any dingbat leader with a history of human rights violations, you’re getting a blanket party but the blanket is filled with Apache helicopters, guided missiles, and an army of liquored up rednecks armed with shotguns and .50 caliber machine guns. I will save money by allowing each of them to bring their own truck or off-road vehicle.

The Economy

We’re bringing it all back home. The corporate greedheads who fucked over working-class Americans can either get on the program or find a nice beach, grab a sledgehammer, and pound that sand right up their asses. Don’t tell me we can’t make it here. You’re saving money to pay for orgies and laboratory grade cocaine while we’re sitting down here in the muck and mire hustling for a dollar.

Racism

It won’t ever end, but it has to get better. Here’s how. Every American who turns 18 will receive a “Liberty Mallet.” One end will be blue, the other white. The handle will feature white stars on a blue field. Each mallet will weigh 12 ounces. Their duty as Americans will be to use this mallet once a day when they hear a person act racist or utter a racist slur. Black. White. Asian. Indian. Greek. Redheads. Don’t care what you look like, all of you get a Liberty Mallet, and are expected to use it judiciously.

Drugs

Fuck state’s rights. Weed is legal. Smoke the fuck out of it. It will be taxed and used to fund schools, public works, and Doritos’ factories. Please though, don’t screw this up. Don’t get high and then publish some fucking creative shit on the internet. I guarantee it will be stupid as fuck, okay? Put on some Pink Floyd and mash down a pizza.

The Military

“If you want peace, prepare for war.” That’s why we’re going to review all of the current aircraft, surface craft, underwater craft, and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese to figure out what stays, and what goes.

Of course, the DFO contingent and myself will test out all the really cool weaponry, and get free rides into space so we can visit the gigantic space ship that’s hiding behind Mars. The one we built with the technology that we gained from the aliens who crashed at Roswell.

As President, I will be allowed to partake in a strafing and bombing mission. I will wear aviator glasses, Tom Cruise’s jacket from Top Gun, and the headgear worn by Belushi in 1941.

I am totally dismantling the Veteran’s Administration and building it from the ground up. Every fucking homeless vet is getting picked up and taken care of until they are better. Each day they will receive steak, lobster, blowjobs, and whatever the equivalent of oral sex is that women enjoy. (Fucking mystery to me.)

Health Insurance

Fuck me if I can figure it out. Everybody just take some cold and flu medicine. Or go to Canada. Seriously, better minds than mine have tried to solve this problem. Goddamn, just make it fucking affordable, I know everyone needs to make money, but kiss us before you fuck us.

The Arts

The DFA will fund artists of all kinds. If they produce something a citizen doesn’t like, well then, that citizen can just ignore it. Fuck off with your censorship.

Religion

Worship however you want, but don’t bring that shit into politics. I’m looking at you, religious right. I’m personally going to smack you on the knees with a cricket bat. And also, no one needs you to force your beliefs on them. Keep it private, you gumballs.

Football

Yes, I know you have to give the masses bread and circuses. Every other sport besides football, rugby, and hockey is boring as shit. Really, do you want to watch a 19 inning “pitcher’s duel”?

Here’s the new look for the NFL:

• 42 teams
• Season runs from April – February
• Super Bowl is on a Saturday night
• Domestic abusers are dumped blindfolded and naked on Tierra Del Fuego
• Teams can change their uniforms at will, you can be the Ravens one day in purple and black and the next day be the Ed Reed Hobos
• Head slaps, spearing, and Stickum are now legal
• Every game you can deem one player as “Drug Enhanced.” Give him whatever he wants, don’t care.
• No more roughing the passer calls, get tough you goddamn pretty boys

The Daily Routine

The Soviets and Nazis put up loudspeakers in public places so people who didn’t have radios could hear those butchers no matter where they were.

The DFA will erect (that’s hilarious) loudspeaker systems and this is the playlist:

8:00 am: Blitzkrieg Bop

9:00 am: Dave Chappelle standup so everyone starts out smiling

Rest of the day: A mix of funk, soul, R&B, old school rap, punk, hardcore, metal, opera, original country, some of that classical music, jazz, rockabilly, 50’s music, and some Celine Dion.

So, that’s the plan.

I’m hoping you all join me in making this fucking country a place where we’re all getting along, feeling happy, and making lots of bread.