First off, I would like to thank our esteemed JJ Fozz for articulating his Blurred Vision for America. Truly, it takes a brave and insightful individual to propose affirmative solutions instead of simply nitpicking or criticizing someone else’s plans.

That said: Fozz, you ignorant slut.

Your mad plans will doom us all. Only the leadership of a respected religious authority will save our benighted Republic. I therefore respectfully and humbly offer a glimpse into Reverend Mayhem’s “America Plus!”.

The Party

I agree that the current six-party system (Republicans and five different Democratic schisms) is unworkable. The battlelines have become static, and the Boomers will never relinquish their stranglehold on senior leadership, even unto death.

I’ve talked at length about the sportsfanification of politics, my-team-right-or-wrong.  While that sucks giant donkey dong, I have given up on fixing that and will now lean into it. What we have now is the equivalent of a two-team football league where they just play each other every week.

Instead, I will introduce a 32-party system. Each new party will fill out their roster through an Expansion Draft, picking existing office holders in a snake-style draft.  Every ten years, the league will be redrafted.

On a related note, gerrymandering for proportional representation positions will be banned. A supercomputer will be tasked with defining quadrilateral districts of equal population, starting from Wichita.

Foreign Policy

The friendliness of US relations with a given country will be governed according to a complex formula involving Known Dickishness, Historical Relations, Interesting Scenery and Quality of National Food/Drink. For example, the UK is Highly Dickish, but we have history and they make scotch, scotch eggs and Crunchies, and so will not be bombed immediately.

Canada will be annexed but allowed limited self-government, a la British Hong Kong. Puerto Rico will conduct a plebiscite to determine its status, to replace one of the Dakotas if it chooses to stay.

The Economy

Up the minimum wage. Up the social safety nets. Any accumulation of wealth individually over $100 million will be seized, in exchange for a giant statute in the “You Won Capitalism” Hall of Fame. An additional percentage will be allowed based on how much was derived from the efforts of US based workers. Trusts other than for the incompetent will be abolished. Every worker is entitled to 4 weeks non-sick-leave vacation per year, provided you spend one additional week doing public service work.

Economics will be reclassified as theatre.

Racism

I support Fozz’s Liberty Mallet concept, although I feel a drivers-license-style exam should be required.

Drugs

Fuck if I know. It’s not my scene. I know people who have been ruined by addiction to so many things- from heroin to alcohol to shopping- that I can admit I don’t have an answer.

The Military

I am a firm believer in a strong military for defense of ourselves, defense of human rights and to keep those fucking Dutchmen in line. That said, the budgeting process is gonna go like this:

1. Social programs

2. Veteran and active duty support

3. Current equipment maintenance and upgrades.

After these are funded, whatever is left can go for Neat New Explodey Things.

Health Insurance

Medicare for All. If you want additional coverage, you can buy supplemental insurance. Individual costs for essential treatments are scaled to your personal wealth so that no one gets bankrupted by medical bills. Hospitals may no longer be for-profit enterprises. Pharmaceutical research gets nationalized.

The Arts

No mimes. No entertainment reporting. No Oscars. No mimes.

Religion

I am fully in favor of Fozz’s cricket-bat idea

Football

Super Bowl Monday is a national holiday.

NFC and AFC are abolished, and playoff seedings are determined solely by record.

All teams except the DFO Broncos are publicly owned by individuals, and no individual may own more than one share. No residency requirement is imposed, meaning that if an adequate number of Wichitans bought shares in the Giants, they could move the team. Teams may structure governance decisions as either voting for a team executive to run all matters or conducting American Idol-style voting on individual decisions.

The New England Patriots are immediately disbanded, and all records post-1999 will be marked with an asterisk. A 100-mile radius Football Exclusion Zone will be enforced a la Chernobyl, where no NFL team may play. The rights to host a replacement team will be determined by Crowd-o-Meter decibel level. The following will be the team’s mascot:

The Daily Routine

No Segways.

No rental scooters.

No experimental theatre troups unless you have a seperate full-time job

All non-residential bathrooms shall be public.

Minimum required thicknesses for toilet paper.

Anyone on a public highway slowing down to gawk, gape and/or “rubberneck” at an accident or police incident will be subject to immediate roadside execution. Yes, this may in turn cause more gaping, but I figure anyone with such tendencies would be winnowed out all the faster.

No mimes.

Thank you for your time, and Shan’klor bless America Plus!