I love to read. I love to watch movies. And I love to get shit faced. Not in that order.

One of the hazards of these hobbies is feeling that you need to take a serious look at the classics.

I fail miserably at this, and have come to grips with being another lunk-headed American Joe who watches and reads garbage. And drinks subpar bourbon.

I’ve tried to read some of the greats like War and Peace (fucking forget about that shit); The Republic by Plato (uh-huh. Got through one paragraph); any book by Emily Bronte (I visit Sleep City in about a minute); Lolita (fuck off, you goddamn pervert).

Don’t get me wrong, I have managed to conquer a few of the classics. For example, I’ve enjoyed the literary treasures that are:

• Swap Around Sue
• Betty Gets Her Men (And Women)
• Sasha’s Slippery Slope
• Please Don’t Eat the Neighbors
• Mother’s Perverted Bondage

I recommend all of them.

It’s the same with movies. I watch straight out trash, and not enough “cinema.” Although, if you really want a good movie, watch “Cash Back.” Fucking phenomenal.

So, in an effort to broaden my horizons, I decided to dig into the Criterion Channel’s lineup of artsy-fartsy shit. I didn’t get through many of them, but I wanted to share my impressions.

In some cases, I gave up after the screen titles were over.

The 400 Blows

Amount of time spent watching: 21 minutes; 11 seconds

One of the movies from the French New Wave. That sounds like a special service at a Paris whorehouse.

Starts out with a bunch of stupid French kids in an old schoolroom. The teacher is a dick (shocker) and the kids like to torture him. (So far, so good.) He punishes them and at one point throws chalk at them. (Ah, the memories of being taught by nuns.)

Then the kid goes home, his hot French Mom berates him and then sits down to take off her garters (Zoinks!) The father comes home, realizes Hot French Mom is pissed, jokes with the kid and then they have dinner.

Everyone smokes while eating. There’s something about the father being part of a car club that goes on drives every weekend and the mother is like, “Fuck you I’m hanging out with Elise Francois Pierre Montguarde Deux.

That’s all I was able to stomach. I never saw even one blow. The movie blows.

Grey Gardens

Amount of time spent watching: 62 minutes; 12 seconds

A documentary about two batshit crazy sisters or a daughter and mother, never figured that out. They’re rich, or were rich, and they live in some snobby place in New England. I fucking hated both of them five minutes into this documentary. Their house looks like a Hoarders episode, and they have a nasally sing-song manner of speaking that justifies my hatred of anyone from New England. I hope they both died in an acid bath.

Gas Food Lodging

Amount of time spent watching: 30 minutes

Ione Sky is a slutty teenager who lives in some buttfuck town somewhere in America. Her sister dresses weird and is vaguely attractive in a 90’s type of way and watches Mexican movies in a fleabag theater. The mother looks like she won Meth Head of the Year. The younger sister was about to meet some mutant in the projector room of this fleabag theater when I decided, “Fuck it, I’m out.”

The Harder they Come

Finished this movie

First, I giggled at the title. Jimmy Cliff smokes a shit ton of pot; some other things happen and it gets violent at one time. All of the villages in Jamaica are depressing. Everyone is baked. The End. (Side Note: A friend of mine went on a dream vacation in Jamaica. Three miles out of the airport the shuttle was pulled over by robbers and my friend had a gun held to his head while lying on the ground.)

Breathless

Amount of Time Spent Watching: 2 minutes, 53 seconds

This is apparently a very sexy movie. It’s not. The opening starts with some greasy looking French dude in a hat and reading a newspaper. Herringbone jacket did look nice. The cigarette he’s smoking looks hand rolled and nauseating. He steals a car, leaves his accomplice behind, and drives away. Not sexy at all, and not worth watching. Edit: I skipped around just to give it another chance. Some American broad chatting with Mr. Cool.

Rosemary’s Baby

Amount of Time Spent Watching: 61 minutes

I like horror movies. This was a landmark movie. This movie was as interesting as watching two snails mate. My god. Okay, Mia Farrow looks like she’s about 14 and her husband is maybe 45. Her voice is neither British or American, either way it’s nails on a chalkboard. Nothing fucking happens in the first hour! They meet bizarre neighbors and buy furniture. Ho hum. Where’s Satan banging Mia? Nowhere. The debris in Andy Reid’s mustache is scarier than this movie. 

The End – Fin (That’s a snotty French word to say over)

I tried. Seriously. I don’t know why shit becomes classic, but classic shit is boring shit. I’m going to keep reviewing these movies because you never know that one might just be interesting.

Now I’m gonna go watch Animal House.

Fucking classic.