Hello friends.  I apologize that I’m not making even the faint gesture toward humor that I normally do.  It’s a heavy goddamned week. I won’t recite the current List of Dark Shit, because that only emphasizes it. Suffice it to say, this 80s Nostalgia thing has gotten WAY THE FUCK OUT OF HAND, with your threat of nuclear war and your Russian invasions and your persecution of trans kids.

NFL NEWS: Not much. Mostly it’s news about What’s Not Happening.

*Not Calling: Packers GM and Telemarketer Nemesis Brian Gutekunst says no one has called him yet regarding a trade for Q-aron Rodgers.  That makes some sense, since nobody knows if he’s retiring, demanding a trade, or stealing the Declaration of Independence.

I am not the first to draw the parallel between these two brilliantly-talented-but-insane men.  This composite was from 2012, and things have only gotten spookier.

The best-case scenario to my mind is Rodgers announcing he wants to be traded, go somewhere like New England or Carolina for a ransom, and then decide to retire after the first training camp.  CHAOS REEEEEEIIIIGGGNNNSSS!

*Not Talking: Kyler Murray and the Cardinals brass, since his agent released a looping, confused and frankly somewhat daft attempt at negotiation-through-the-media on Monday.  In case you missed it:

In short, Kyler loves Arizona very much and has had so much fun, but needs to know where this relationship is going.  Not that he’s demanding an engagement ring, but if he doesn’t get one there are a lot of teams that would be happy to marry a QB like him in a hot minute. Not that he’s going to break up over it, but he’s totally going to break up over it. So Kyler doesn’t feel like they are finished, but he wants Arizona to want to commit half it’s projected salary cap to him for the next ten years or else…

The problem is that, under this analogy, Murray (or more likely his potentially-coked-up agent) is demanding a proposal after about 6 months of dating.  Murray has been in the league for 3 years.  He still has 2+ years of team control on his rookie deal.

The Announcement frames this in terms of cap savings– that getting a long-term deal done would lower his cap number and allow Arizona to sign All The Free Agents.  He is slated to make $11 million this year and (presuming they pick up his fifth year option) about $29 million in 2023.  Those are by no means prohibitive cap hits.  I see no reason why Arizona would rush a giant extension. At moments he looks sublime (see: first two games of last season), but he also fails badly at key moments and can be neutralized more easily than you would expect from an “electric” player (see: most of the rest of last season).  Moreover, he’s not shown much in the way of progression from year to year- the numbers that made him an outstanding rookie made him an upper-middle third-year player, and his extra dimension (rushing) faded by about half last year. I can see why a team would want to lock him up now, but pulling a weird series of public stunts this early to try and pressure a decision seems problematic.

*Not Throwing: Jimmy G, at least until summer.  Garoppolo is going under the knife on his throwing shoulder, at a time when he is almost certainly on the trading block.  Now, normally this would be Bad News for the Niners, since throwing shoulder injuries would usually reduce a player’s price.  However, this is Jimmy.  No team expects to get a healthy QB when they trade for Jimmy.  The fact that he manages to be a league-average quarterback with bones made of spun sugar is now a feature instead of a risk.

*Not Taking Any Options Off The Table: The Giants, Colts and Falcons.  The Colts and Falcons’ GMs both indicated that nothing was decided with regard to their expensive incumbent quarterbacks. That’s probably good news for Carson Wentz, who was presumed to be as good as gone after the Clots late-season collapse.  That’s probably mixed news for Matt Ryan, whose $40 million dead cap hit is dwarfed only by his $48 million actual cap hit this year, with another $43 million coming next year. These are stupid numbers, even for a QB that I like.  The Falcons can reduce the hit to something like $24 million if they designate him as a Post-June 1 Cut (ah, the arcane magic of June 1!), and they need to bite the goddamned bullet instead of trying to squeeze one more year in while their division is horrible.

Meanwhile, new Giants GM has indicated that every option is on the table with regarding Oft-Injured Bright Spot Saquon Barkely.  It’s sad because Barkley seems like he never got a fair shake in New York, suffering repeated leg injuries from trying to carry the dead weight of Eli Manning and Daniel Jones on the field. It’s also Not Sad, because the Giants can kiss my ass.  They deserve nothing.

NON-NFL NEWS:

*MLB is still dicking around its players.  Listen, I’m usually the voice of “both sides provide value” in player-versus-owner debates.  But this shit is enough to turn me into a raving Workers of the World Unite looney.  Fuck the owners. Let them stay locked out. We learned how to cope without baseball in 2020.  Have you heard the Good News about the NC Dinos?

OBSCURE FILM PICK OF THE WEEK:  Serenity!

Nathan Fillion! Summer Glau! Gina Torres! Alan Tudyk! Jewel Staite! Adam Baldwin before he went insane and Joss Whedon before we knew he was a fucking creep!

I’m not going to explain the premise, because you should already know it.  Yes, it’s the movie ending to the late, lamented TV series Firefly.  And if you don’t know Firefly you’re fucking DEAD TO ME.  Seriously. it’s only 14 episodes. Go watch it.  I’ll wait….

It’s not the movie I wanted. Tonally, it’s a little off from the series.  But it’s sufficiently satisfying closure and catharsis in a time where we don’t usually get either in any parts of our lives.

Also, you should be watching Tudyk in Resident Alien.