Monday Morning Mock Draft, On A Tuesday: Like Hell You’ll Adopt My Baby

Greetings, and welcome to the start of the work week. It’s one day later than usual, and thus the mock draft is one day later than usual. This is for obvious reasons, namely that there’s far more participation when we’re all “working”, and also because tomorrow, if things go according to plan, I’ll likely be carrying a decent buzz from attending the Willimantic Boombox Parade, followed by a sort of wake for a local character I knew from the bars, who always referred to me as “Mr. Attorney General”, and who will be missed. I will raise a glass or two to him tomorrow for sure.

As you may have noticed, the Supreme Court recent overturned Roe v. Wade in the well-reasoned Dobbs decision. Ignoring the silly practice of stare decisis, (a Latin term meaning ‘Samuel Alito is a right-wing religious zealot masquerading as a judge) six justices of the United States Supreme Court found the courage to, inter alia, (a Latin term meaning ‘Clarence Thomas has the ethics of an alley-cat during mating season’), approvingly cite the works of Matthew Hale, a 17th-century English jurist who, inter alia, (See ‘Thomas, Clarence, morals of an alley-cat, supra’), held that there was no such thing as marital rape, and presided over at least two “trials” that resulted in women being hung for the crime of, (checks notes), witchcraft.

As an aside, one good thing about Matthew Hale, the elder, (apparently there’s a US Matthew Hale of more recent vintage who is a white supremacist, and whom the Supreme Court has not favorably cited. Yet.), is that when he died it took him ten months and was apparently very painful.

Truly an outstanding moment is United States jurisprudence, (a legal term meaning ‘please do not nominate members of Catholic cults to the Supreme Court‘) that won’t shred whatever credibility the Supreme Court might have left.

There have been many reactions to this decision, surely all of which have been calm and well-reasoned, but for our purposes we’re concerned with the reaction to a couple of anti-choice couples posting pictures of themselves holding signs to the effect that they would adopt your baby, would you want to carry it for nine months, go through the birthing process, (there is a lot of blood and a truly surprising amount of shit involved), and then give your baby to a couple of lunatics.

I see no way that would end badly.

Not surprisingly the internet did it’s thing and suddenly there were all sorts of offers from disreputable types to adopt your baby. Our own Rikki-Tikki-Deadly was an early and enthusiastic participant, and it was that participation that led to his suggesting this week’s topic: People You Would Not Want To Adopt Your Baby.

As usual, the suggester of the week’s topic gets the first pick, as long as they show up on time, or read their direct messages in the back channel at all. /glares on Ontarionese.

Rules ares simple: Who would be the worst person or persons you can think of to adopt your child, assuming your rights to an abortion have been stripped by a Court citing 17th century witch hunters as a source? It can be a single person, it can be a couple, it can be a group.

Rikki, as it happens, has already given me his first pick, so without further ado, the first pick in this week’s draft are

Yikes. Good luck, kid.

With the second pick I’ll take Alex Jones.

Jones’s first wife apparently agrees with me, having divorced him in 2015 and having sought sole custody of their three children, saying inter alia, (See Alito, Samuel, religious zealot, supra.) that Jones was “not a stable person” and possibly engaged in felonious conduct.. Even taking that away, just imagine that face looking at you when you strike out in a Little League game.

The rest of you are on the clock. Please wait ten picks, or, (in honor of Roe v. Wade), 24 minutes after your last pick before making your next pick.

5 5 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
74 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Fronkenshteen

Hope Solo & Jeramy Stevens. OH LOOKY! They just had twins. Never mind!

C7EFF517-9F80-4C76-9C38-C8CC800C2ED3.jpeg
Fronkenshteen

Martin Shkreli & any woman who is stupid enough to see anything redeeming in his character.

CBB8CD63-5F1B-411F-8B30-8470A9D2F438.jpeg
Gumbygirl

A: Pimps out her daughters.
B: Wants to be a daughter

Kris-Caitlyn-Jenners-Ups-Downs-Through-Years-001.jpg
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Linda and Stephen Stotch.

comment image

Bringing it all back to my first pick, I suppose.

https://youtu.be/cQHb6ZuJiiY

BeefReeferLives

They mean well, but going with Cletus and Brandine Spuckler.

“Cletus mentions that they “name all their kids after what they think is gonna happen to them. Ain’t that right, ‘Stabbed In Jail’?” to which Stabbed In Jail Spuckler (who is seen sharpening a wooden stick) replies, “We’ll see who stabs who.”

comment image

BeefReeferLives

I’m sure any child raised by Musk & Grimes would turn out to be very well adjusted and not be horribly emotionally warped AT ALL…

comment image?width=900&auto=webp&qualit

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ah, good old Grimey…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ginni and Clarence Thomas

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. Mommy and Daddy Robeson, from The People Under The Stairs.

comment image

SonOfSpam

I mean, Abraham didn’t seem like a great parent.

Voice in head: KILL ISAAC
Abraham: Ok, you’re the boss
Voice in head: J/K LOL
Abraham: Ok, you’re the boss

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like the ram hiding in the bushes, watching. WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING IN THERE, PERVERT!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS RAM I CALL HIM MATT STAFFORD CAUSE HE IS A RAM AND HE THOUGHT HE WOULD BE OKAY IF HE JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCHED.

https://mobile.twitter.com/TrainIsland/status/1487939205749788672

BeefReeferLives

Larry Nassar.

comment image

WCS

Dan Snyder, who will sue his kids and God for them turning 18, so he can’t use them as a tax write-off anymore.

LemonJello

Sterling Archer

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah I would have picked Mallory before Sterling.

Low bar but still.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Okay, enough real people. Clay and Bloberta Puppington.

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Literally anyone on Dance Moms

BeefReeferLives

Matthew Louis Gaetz II for so many reasons…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nestor seems well adjusted, no?

No.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m convinced that Nestor is his actual son – Gaetz knocked up the kid’s “sister” when she was 13 or so.

BeefReeferLives
BeefReeferLives

.

RCO078_1585359712.png
BeefReeferLives

Well, considering that he’s Matt Gaetz’s “adopted son”, he’s actually doing quite, he’s really…

comment image

BeefReeferLives

comment image

Game Time Decision

Me

While I’m already a parent, not sure I have it in me to raise more kids from a newborn age, so dont want to take on that responsibility
/I’m too old for that shit

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. Mark and Patricia McCloskey.

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, she can’t even manage to properly handle a bottle of mustard, much less a handgun.

BugEyedBoo

Bet it’s fun when those spent cartridges fly down Southpaw Shithead’s shirt.

Brick Meathook

With Hitler you inherit nothing:

comment image

Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I notice there’s no commissioner named; might I offer a suggestion?

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Really wish I’d picked her.

Also, where’s our hottest criminals draft?

yeah right

Aubrey Huff.

Fuck that guy.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“GET YOUR BABY IN MY BELLY!”

comment image

Last edited 2 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Sharkbait

Warren Jeffs

SonOfSpam

Susan Smith, especially if she lives near a lake.

Dunstan

If the kid gets cancer, Newt will just abandon it and adopt a new, younger kid.

LemonJello

A young Skeletor and his GILF Fuck-bot? Concur.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. Frederick and Tonya Crouch.

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Jordan Peterson

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Patsy and John Bennett Ramsey

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s a blue chip pick, for sure.

King Hippo

Marc Trestman

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Point of order: do they have to be real people, or are fictional characters okay too?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Isn’t this a point of inquiry?

LemonJello

Jeffrey and Ghislaine, Foster Parents:

comment image

ArmedandHammered

Josh Duggar

Senor Weaselo

Hey, somehow I’m up and get first pick! A lot of terrible options here, but let’s go with Agent Orange. Especially if this hypothetical baby is a girl.

LemonJello

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Now who’s being pedantic?

Other than me, being pedantic about pedantry.