Greetings, and welcome to the start of the work week. It’s one day later than usual, and thus the mock draft is one day later than usual. This is for obvious reasons, namely that there’s far more participation when we’re all “working”, and also because tomorrow, if things go according to plan, I’ll likely be carrying a decent buzz from attending the Willimantic Boombox Parade, followed by a sort of wake for a local character I knew from the bars, who always referred to me as “Mr. Attorney General”, and who will be missed. I will raise a glass or two to him tomorrow for sure.
As you may have noticed, the Supreme Court recent overturned Roe v. Wade in the well-reasoned Dobbs decision. Ignoring the silly practice of stare decisis, (a Latin term meaning ‘Samuel Alito is a right-wing religious zealot masquerading as a judge) six justices of the United States Supreme Court found the courage to, inter alia, (a Latin term meaning ‘Clarence Thomas has the ethics of an alley-cat during mating season’), approvingly cite the works of Matthew Hale, a 17th-century English jurist who, inter alia, (See ‘Thomas, Clarence, morals of an alley-cat, supra’), held that there was no such thing as marital rape, and presided over at least two “trials” that resulted in women being hung for the crime of, (checks notes), witchcraft.
As an aside, one good thing about Matthew Hale, the elder, (apparently there’s a US Matthew Hale of more recent vintage who is a white supremacist, and whom the Supreme Court has not favorably cited. Yet.), is that when he died it took him ten months and was apparently very painful.
Truly an outstanding moment is United States jurisprudence, (a legal term meaning ‘please do not nominate members of Catholic cults to the Supreme Court‘) that won’t shred whatever credibility the Supreme Court might have left.
There have been many reactions to this decision, surely all of which have been calm and well-reasoned, but for our purposes we’re concerned with the reaction to a couple of anti-choice couples posting pictures of themselves holding signs to the effect that they would adopt your baby, would you want to carry it for nine months, go through the birthing process, (there is a lot of blood and a truly surprising amount of shit involved), and then give your baby to a couple of lunatics.
I see no way that would end badly.
Not surprisingly the internet did it’s thing and suddenly there were all sorts of offers from disreputable types to adopt your baby. Our own Rikki-Tikki-Deadly was an early and enthusiastic participant, and it was that participation that led to his suggesting this week’s topic: People You Would Not Want To Adopt Your Baby.
As usual, the suggester of the week’s topic gets the first pick, as long as they show up on time, or read their direct messages in the back channel at all. /glares on Ontarionese.
Rules ares simple: Who would be the worst person or persons you can think of to adopt your child, assuming your rights to an abortion have been stripped by a Court citing 17th century witch hunters as a source? It can be a single person, it can be a couple, it can be a group.
Rikki, as it happens, has already given me his first pick, so without further ado, the first pick in this week’s draft are
Yikes. Good luck, kid.
With the second pick I’ll take Alex Jones.
Jones’s first wife apparently agrees with me, having divorced him in 2015 and having sought sole custody of their three children, saying inter alia, (See Alito, Samuel, religious zealot, supra.) that Jones was “not a stable person” and possibly engaged in felonious conduct.. Even taking that away, just imagine that face looking at you when you strike out in a Little League game.
The rest of you are on the clock. Please wait ten picks, or, (in honor of Roe v. Wade), 24 minutes after your last pick before making your next pick.
Hope Solo & Jeramy Stevens. OH LOOKY! They just had twins. Never mind!
Martin Shkreli & any woman who is stupid enough to see anything redeeming in his character.
A: Pimps out her daughters.
B: Wants to be a daughter
Jerry and Beth Smith
Aw, jeez, these two are just such a mess as a couple they can’t help but be terrible parents.
Linda and Stephen Stotch.
Bringing it all back to my first pick, I suppose.
https://youtu.be/cQHb6ZuJiiY
They mean well, but going with Cletus and Brandine Spuckler.
“Cletus mentions that they “name all their kids after what they think is gonna happen to them. Ain’t that right, ‘Stabbed In Jail’?” to which Stabbed In Jail Spuckler (who is seen sharpening a wooden stick) replies, “We’ll see who stabs who.”
I’m sure any child raised by Musk & Grimes would turn out to be very well adjusted and not be horribly emotionally warped AT ALL…
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Ah, good old Grimey…
“I vill adopt your babies!!”
No you won’t Elizabeth Bathory. No you won’t.
Ginni and Clarence Thomas
5. Mommy and Daddy Robeson, from The People Under The Stairs.
I mean, Abraham didn’t seem like a great parent.
Voice in head: KILL ISAAC
Abraham: Ok, you’re the boss
Voice in head: J/K LOL
Abraham: Ok, you’re the boss
I like the ram hiding in the bushes, watching. WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING IN THERE, PERVERT!
If I recall how the story ends that ram needs to get to stepping.
THIS RAM I CALL HIM MATT STAFFORD CAUSE HE IS A RAM AND HE THOUGHT HE WOULD BE OKAY IF HE JUST STOOD THERE AND WATCHED.
https://mobile.twitter.com/TrainIsland/status/1487939205749788672
Larry Nassar.
Fuck that guy. I hope he “accidentally” gets transferred to gen pop.
Dan Snyder, who will sue his kids and God for them turning 18, so he can’t use them as a tax write-off anymore.
Sterling Archer
C’mon, he’d be willing to spend time with the kid even after finding out it wasn’t his, and he’d spring for matching tattoos!
Yeah I would have picked Mallory before Sterling.
Low bar but still.
Ted Nugent.
For, uh, reasons.
https://rockcelebrities.net/the-story-of-ted-nugents-underage-girlfriend-pele-massa/
4. Okay, enough real people. Clay and Bloberta Puppington.
Literally anyone on Dance Moms
Matthew Louis Gaetz II for so many reasons…
Nestor seems well adjusted, no?
No.
I’m convinced that Nestor is his actual son – Gaetz knocked up the kid’s “sister” when she was 13 or so.
When I first heard about that, reminded me of Liberace and his adopted “son”…
https://2.bp.blogspot.com/VSdLiIne_9aTLg8zsbwIgkk-eLS_T8tUUcY5qVX6FHtiIz_jZvPewtIvxrMHKowcZ4m6BDPb4GmvJDoF6IVL4OLYkkI3SyUSWLoXhP0jEu3xWkG1FA_IHEgpoMwLusxxGpCB4VWP=s0
.
Any ‘Bloom County’ reference gets a +1 from me.
Well, considering that he’s Matt Gaetz’s “adopted son”, he’s actually doing quite, he’s really…
Me
While I’m already a parent, not sure I have it in me to raise more kids from a newborn age, so dont want to take on that responsibility
/I’m too old for that shit
I resemble this pick
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Mrs. Rittenhouse probably doesn’t need a second chance to see if she does any better than she did with Kyle.
3. Mark and Patricia McCloskey.
Christ, I’ve barely handled guns in the past, but even I know these two aren’t even close to doing it right.
Yeah, she can’t even manage to properly handle a bottle of mustard, much less a handgun.
Bet it’s fun when those spent cartridges fly down Southpaw Shithead’s shirt.
With Hitler you inherit nothing:
I notice there’s no commissioner named; might I offer a suggestion?
So ordered
Really wish I’d picked her.
Also, where’s our hottest criminals draft?
Aubrey Huff.
Fuck that guy.
Genuinely miss him on Twitter. Just so stupid and pathetic.
“GET YOUR BABY IN MY BELLY!”
Warren Jeffs
Susan Smith, especially if she lives near a lake.
:large
Absolutely the fuck not.
If the kid gets cancer, Newt will just abandon it and adopt a new, younger kid.
it’s a reply, but I’ll nominate it for the banner.
A young Skeletor and his GILF Fuck-bot? Concur.
2. Frederick and Tonya Crouch.
I had to look them up, but yes, that’s a damn fine pick.
Jordan Peterson
But his own daughter turned out so well!
Patsy and John Bennett Ramsey
Last I heard someone had determined that their son was the killer, but since I probably “heard” that by seeing it on the National Enquirer while killing time in a checkout line I suspect that may not be totally reliable.
That’s a blue chip pick, for sure.
Marc Trestman
/abandoned windowless van toots mournfully next to a haunted construction site.
Point of order: do they have to be real people, or are fictional characters okay too?
Dealer’s choice.
Isn’t this a point of inquiry?
I’m not saying that grammar Nazis should make this draft, but I’m not not saying it either.
Jeffrey and Ghislaine, Foster Parents:
Reminds me of that Steve Martin line: “I do a lot of work with unwed mothers….well, helping them get their start.”
Josh Duggar
Hey, somehow I’m up and get first pick! A lot of terrible options here, but let’s go with Agent Orange. Especially if this hypothetical baby is a girl.
(3rd pick)
Now who’s being pedantic?
Other than me, being pedantic about pedantry.