A Condiment Declines – Monday Open Thread

The only news that grabbed me today was the Steelers renaming their field as Acrisure Stadium. I had no idea what Acrisure was, it sounded like a type of lettuce or… dryness medication. No, Acrisure is a financial services and insurance conglomerate that boasts of successfully uniting human resources and artificial intelligence to monetize any illusions of free will. Quite a change from ketchup I tells ya!

It’s been a rough time for ketchup, losing Heinz Field perhaps its lowest point yet. Not long ago, ketchup and overcooked-to-moccasin prime steak was a Presidential delicacy. After that, yeah: ketchup could stand to be taken down a coupla notches. It has!

Ketchup and the White House are forever linked in history, as the pulpy detail of a Trump tantrum: 45 throwing a plate at a wall because the Department of Justice would not fabricate election fraud. And the camera pans to the ketchup oozing in the wall while shouts and steps are heard in the distance—in the cheap telenovela version in my head, that is.

And, really. Ketchup has never been hot. Right? This is the condiment that, I feel in my heart, has been imposed more because of payola or merchandising rather than taste or even popularity. I know people have strong feelings for a condiment. Pepper? Why the hell does everything need pepper!?—this is one camp.

The Mayo Deniers are legion, whose heathen and barbarick ways I nonetheless respect tolerate acknowledge coexist with. Some are less vocal. I once loaned $10 to a grad student and he turned out to be an anti-relish mujahideen. I knew that money was gone forever, but he told me it was for yogurt, lime, and dill.

Ketchup, on the other hand, eh. OK, it is wonderful on french fries and…

Not that french fries need ketchup. Salt is fine. Salt and vinegar very fine. And I’ll do fries with mayo, if it’s brought to me. Not over ketchup, nope. Although mayoketchup is dynamite.

Mmm… I could live without ketchup. Howevah, it’s worth for the fries AND being good for mixes (especially with hot sauce). If I cook for someone and ketchup is asked for, I will provide it. If it’s to put over rice, I will do my best not to judge that person for insulting my hospitality with such a brazen display of race treason. (If applicable.)

Nah, it’s fine. Taste is subjective.

But at a restaurant, I may ask the wait staff to remove ketchup from the table. Less shit in tables is a lifestyle.

Tl dr, Watercress Stadium Good Success Steelers!

NFL NEWS

–Wal Mart greets Condoleezza Rice to the Broncos ownership group. The former Secretary of State is a well-known Browns fan and codepink.org calls her a war criminal. Jimmy Haslam is overjoyed to finally have a peer to bond over tales of staggering mismanagement and human suffering.

-Jimmy Garoppolo is expected to be traded by the end of the month, though NAWT to the Bucs. The QB’s agent is the source, which is as meaty as crumbs get a whole lotta time before freakin’ rookie training camps open.

PRESEASON PERENNNIALS

-Best Shape Ever: DAK DAK DAK

-You misread my IG: Lamar! Apparently “I Need $” has nothing to do with the contract talks with Baltimore brass. Jackson is entering the FIF year of his rookie deal and, you know, might deserve an extension. I think he’s better than at least 25 active QBs. In fact,

-Popularity Listicle: Top 10 QBs, per espen #product

Via @GetUpESPN

I would take Lamar! over everyone in the second column, except Justin Herbert. And BTW: seven?! Herbert is at least a 4, at least. Naysayers can rewatch the 2020 Week 18 SNF against the Raiders.

-The World Is Wrong About: Tua Tagovailoa, as told by Tyreek Hill.

SPROTS TONITE

All times Central.

GRANDES LIGAS

Medias Rojas (Bello) @ Mantas (Wisler) – 6:10

Medias Blancas (Lynn) @ Guardianes (Quantrill) – 6:10

Filis (Nola) @ Cardenales (Mikolas) – 6:15

Mets (Scherzer) @ Bravos (Fried) – 6:20

Ases (Martínez) @ Patrulleros (Howrad) – 7:05

Tigres (Faedo) @ Reales (Lynch) – 7:10

Padres (Manaea) @ Balboas (Ureña) – 7:40

Serpientes (Kelly) @ Gigantes (Cobb) – 8:45

TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL

Argentina

Argentinos Juniors hosts Tigre – 7:30

That’s a [sic], Hippo

Bolivia

Guabirá hosts Universitario de Sucre – 7:00

Brasil

Internacional hosts América-MG – 6:00 PM

Ecuador

Deportivo Cuenca hosts Guayaquil City – 7:00

CONCACAF WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP

Canadá vs. Costa Rica – 6:00

Panamá vs. Trinidad-Tobago – 6:00

 Jamaica vs. Haiti – 9:00

USA vs. México – 9:00

FINALLY,

if I had to choose one condiment only, it has to be hot sauce. More than mayo, ketchup, mustard, jelly, etc. Butter does not count. It’s a lifestyle.

Banner via Bahamut-Eternal at deviantart.com