Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

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This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle [in bed].
Albert Einstein

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As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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How did we get this far without Todd Marinovich [ as a draft bust]? Was he even drafted? I don’t even know.
Horatio Cornblower

Hang on, I’ll ask him.

(lifts lid on gas station dumpster)

Huh, he was here yesterday.
SonOfSpam

I looked it up. 1st round, 24 pick.

That’s Rikki’s Raiders!
/cue ‘APPLAUSE’ sign and laugh track.
Horatio Cornblower

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Do we pick on the Browns some more? Sure, why not-Trent Richardson was picked 3rd overall and went on to have an unsparkling career.
scotchnaut

He inspired us all to fall forward one inch at a time.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Some took that lesson to heart.”
-Deanna Favre, looking at her husband, snoring on the couch
LemonJello

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I mean, being drafted to CLE, it feels like an easy pick but, hey, Steve Keim is a millionaire because he built a team so bad that no one was allowed to pick Kyler Murray before him.
blaxabbath

Heather was also absurdly overdrafted as a wilderness guide

Horatio Cornblower

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I’ve always considered Condi kind of “war crime adjacent” – not a great look, but given what we’ve seen over the last 6-7 years, almost quaint.
King Hippo

She’s Kirkland Brand Henry Kissinger.
Sharkbait

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One more thing to add: In Mexico, it’s spelled Catsup and pronounced Cat Soup. It is generally added to hotdogs if you wanna play American and that’s it. Everything else is salsa.
ballsofsteelandfury

Catsup makes no sense to me. Otherwise I’m a fan of ketchup, makes me feel like a kid.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

WCS

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LIZ CHENEY: President Trump is a 76 year old man, he is not an impressionable child. Just like everyone else in our country, he is responsible for his own actions and his own choices.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“We’re live at Mar-A-Lago to get the former president’s reaction.”

LemonJello

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Notable first-round bust N’Keal Harry

He was such a bust that I dont think he was taken in the bust mock draft on Monday
Sharkbait

Just not even that interesting.
Horatio Cornblower

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Bengals debuting alternate helmet this afternoon. Possible options:

White helmet, black stripes.
Stripeless throwback helmet.
Black helmet, orange

stripes.
Some other dumb thing that Mike Brown will probably
Redshirt

I’m going to put my money on “whatever is cheapest.”
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Got it. White stripeless helmet with BENGALS written on the side in crayon.
Redshirt

“Mom, do you know what happened to my orange crayon?” – Eli Manning
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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My cat murdered a very large bird today – it was so big she couldn’t eat all of it – and then felt so empowered that she proceeded to go antagonize the neighbor’s cat.|
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, that pic you posted on Twitter is amazing:

SonOfSpam

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Redshirt

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Evening lizard people. I can actually hang for once!

Celebrating Bastille Day eve with leftover Szechuan 3 Pepper chicken. Or, as Senorita Weaselo put it, “So, Senor, I think you like Szechuan cooking.” To which I nodded while holding back peppery tears, the good kind.
Senor Weaselo

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I took every Wednesday off in summer so I won’t have a full work week until mid-September. One of those Wednesdays I’ll be watching Golden Tate play in a summer wood bat league for college players. Why would a 33-year-old play in that league? Will he catch a football if thrown at him from the stands? Can I still throw a football?
BC Dick

Can he hit a football?
Senor Weaselo

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12,000-foot-test-depth deep-submergence titanium pressure sphere (middle).

Navy Yard, Washington DC

Brick Meathook

Can always count on Brick for pics of big balls and seamen!
SonOfSpam

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Let’s go Montreal.

I think I met the blonde in front (for the duration of a song) at the Brass Rail in Toronto
ArmedandHammered

“I said….I SAID I THINK I LOVE YOU!”

-ArmedandHammered, over the deep bass of Crazy Town’s Butterfly
blaxabbath

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I’m really bad at this CFL thing!
Gumbygirl

So are Ottawa and Hamilton, apparently.
LemonJello

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My Keys To Success: Part Two

1) hire good people*

2) transition to an administrative role so you’re removed from much of the day-to-day crapola

fail at hiring a good person at a key position so you’re forced to work long hours on the floor of the warehouse to compensate for that bad hire and it’s the busiest month of the year and you have no choice and it cuts into your scotch time but you have no choice in the matter so you’re basically right back at Day Fucking One for the time being.*

**probably the best run-on sentence I’ve ever written
scotchnaut

I’ve found that “being mildly terrifying while in reality treating your immediate reports extraordinarily well and otherwise doing the bare minimum” works pretty well.
Horatio Cornblower

If I had to offer my own Part 2 I would just tell everyone to lower their goddamn expectations. Everyone healthy? Got a house you can afford? Car running well?

Congratulations, you’re living the dream. Stop trying to catch Bill Gates. It’s not going to happen.
Horatio Cornblower

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How do people cleanse? Not like lemon juice — like booze/drugs? I notice when I back off on the coffee.
blaxabbath

I wasn’t aiming for a “cleanse” but last fall I decided to significantly increase my intake of fresh fruits and veggies for a six week period. Feel free to go nuts, eat as much as you want-it doesn’t matter. Combine it with just a bit of exercise and it’s crazy how much weight you’ll drop.
scotchnaut

That doesn’t take away from the fact vegetables taste horrible.
WCS

/just so you know-you forced me to do this

Princess: “Here comes the carrot.”

WCS: [tied to a bed] “No, I don’t want the carrot. I HATE VEGETABLES!”

Princess: “Open wide, you know you want it.”

WCS: “No!” [shakes head back and forth]

Princess: “Here comes the airplane.”

WCS: “I don’t want to be the hangar!” [becomes turgid]

/I can’t go on… I’m laughing too hard
scotchnaut

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First beer in 32 days consumed.
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’d love to be in your throat right now. Wait. I’ll come in again. Wait. Damn it!
scotchnaut

Gumbygirl

“Who are you to assume what Ernie’s wants and needs are? Maybe he wants to be raped while semi-conscious!”

-Clarence Thomas, writing the majority opinion in a case involving the Agricultural Adjustment Act of 1932
scotchnaut

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Serving subpoenas to Snyder on his yacht is the best reason to buy a speargun that I’ve ever heard

Doktor Zymm

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Do they make these [Bird of Paradise drink] in Baltimore? Maybe with blood instead of orgeat?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

I believe in Baltimore it’s referred to as “organ juice”.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Get out the mustard and the rye bread!
Let’s go ‘Ners!
Mr. Ayo

Should we go to the limit of 0 to N?
Doktor Zymm

Still never heard an unfunny calculus joke.

Also, is that a calculus joke?
SonOfSpam

Calculus is integral to understanding that joke.
Dunstan

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Just want to salute whichever neighbor named his (or her) wifi network “it burns when IP”
Dunstan

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Waiting for one of the pedants from yesterday’s thread to show up and complain that the title should be “Now With Fewer Balls”….
Dunstan

First thing I thought of.

And another correction…it’s spelled “pederast”
SonOfSpam

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I may or may not have absconded with a fells point pint glass with the assistance of Brick. Spoiler alert: I did and it went better than the Everton Flag mission.
Sharkbait

adds Baltimore to list of cities DFO is banned from
Redshirt

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Baltimore 7/16/22

Brick Meathook

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30°C in the back yard having Sangria. Did 5 shifts at the resto for Stampede. Tiring but lucrative.
litre_cola

[comes running around the corner]
“Did somebody say there’s Hi-C in the back yard?”
– Eli Manning
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Glad y’all are having fun! If you see a car drive by with a 5 foot inflatable penis strapped to the roof please wave at my friend Sarah.

Also it is super easy to find a Gentlemen’s Club in B’more, they are all right next to police HQ.
Doktor Zymm

with a 5 foot inflatable penis strapped to the roof

I don’t want to judge [begins judging] but during this period of high gas prices that’s going to create a lot of drag and really mess with her MPG average.
scotchnaut

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I am currently alive though still testing positive. I can’t wait until I’m not contagious anymore.
ballsofsteelandfury

I saw Contagious Balls open for AC-DC back in the 80s.
Dunstan

“Shave Me, Enslave Me” was a great tune.
scotchnaut

“Shorn and Reborn” was done by their Christian Rock alternative.
litre_cola

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I rag on northern Ontario quite a bit but today wifey and I threw our kayaks in the water and had a great 90 minute workout. Made a few new friends on the lake as well from folks hanging out on their docks.

/after we got back I asked her what her plan was and she replied, “I don’t know about you but I’m going to daydrink”
//she might be a keeper
scotchnaut

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Will this trip become “The one where Hippo drinks gin”? You decide!
Don T

Hippo is more of Sloe Pill Fizz kind of animal.
WCS

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Woke up at 5:30 am for some reason. Decided to order some bagel delivery. Of course, you have to order enough bagels to “make it worthwhile,” so I will be eating ALL OF THE CARBS this weekend I guess.
Dunstan

[shows up at your front door]
“Yes, I’m told you have all of the…”
[rereads your comment]
“Apologies, my mistake.”

– Jameis Winston
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Harry’s Bar
Baltimore 7/16/22

Brick Meathook

A “Hairy Bar” sounds like an even greater abomination than a Big Turk.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“For the folks in Baltimore-have a good time, do a buncha stuff, enjoy yourselves but you didn’t see anything. Got it?”

-R. Lewis
scotchnaut

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Doing my best Brick impression

Sharkbait

Oh good, the train picked up speed.

Sharkbait and I were on the same train back. first it showed up late because of a “medical situation” on the way into the station, (they absolutely ran over a hobo),
then the train actually stopped just past Greenwich because of “police activity” around the tracks, (which likely means a Greenwich resident saw a Negro), and then on the way home Mrs. Cornblower and I got to see all the highway construction that Connecticut apparently decided to start this week.
Horatio Cornblower

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Found a funny:
The teacher puts 4 worms in test tubes. One is full of wine, one beer, one whiskey, and the 4th water. The next day she shows the class that the worms died in the first three, but the one in the water is alive. She asks the class “What have we learned from this experiment?” Johnny raises his hand, and says ” people who drink wine, beer, and whiskey don’t have worms!
Gumbygirl

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I am VERY happy to report that I am now negative on the antigen test and I managed to isolate well enough not to get my immediate family sick.

No joke, that is a HUGE relief for me. Onwards and upwards.
ballsofsteelandfury

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The PK Express has been stopped in Cos Cob Connecticut for police activity. Hooray…..
Sharkbait

I hope you pushed that heroine ALL THE WAY up your ass like I told ya…
King Hippo

Horatio says it’s because they have the Arsenal flag, and I have the Fella Point glass.
Sharkbait

HORATIO SAID NOTHING OF THE SORT!!!
Horatio Cornblower

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Looking like I have the opportunity to attend a couple of the Commies’ games this season due to a good friend (his son will be playing in the Commanders’ band and gets free tickets to all the home games). Boots on the ground potential in LIttle Danny’s Shithole Stadium?
LemonJello

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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