Today, former U.S. federal judge Sue L. Robinson issued her decision in the Deshaun Watson case. It’s a six-game suspension dot dot dot and something more. Once the news broke out this morning, the takes became plentiful. And why the hell not. This is the Internet: a day without takes is like an airport without planes.
During the afternoon, The New York Times published the whole 16-page decision. This is the substance, as read by me, but first!
For those unfamiliar with the situation: Deshaun Watson wanted out of Houston by January 2021, was malcontentin’ on social and then stories about pervin’ Insta masseuses started coming out. So, he sat out 2021, the Browns gave him the richest contract for a QB amid 24 lawsuits, of which Watson has settled 23 to date—
Ok ok. The decision deemed as facts that Watson contacted at least four therapists through Instagram for “private” massages, in which Watson insisted on covering his genitals with a “medium” or “small” towel instead of a sheet, for massages around his groin. None of the therapists accepted a second session with Watson.
Watson denied he ever had an erection during sessions. The judge did not believe it: “It it is more probable than not that Mr. Watson did have erections and that his erect penis contacted the therapists as claimed by them.” The judge also concluded that “Watson had a sexual purpose – not just a therapeutic purpose – in making these arrangements with these particular therapists.” And, since these therapists declined to give Watson another session, the judge found that “Watson knew, or should have known, that any contact between his penis and these therapists was unwanted”.
In light of this, the judge found that Watson engaged in sexual assault as defined by the NFL’s conduct policy. Watson’s behavior also rose to violating the other two elements of the policy. One, posing a genuine danger to the safety or well-being of the therapists (of the four, two sought counseling and the other two were severely distressed). And two, soiling the virtue of the NFL, paragon of social justice. Thus, discipline per the NFL conduct policy follows–and here the decision got interesting.
First, the NFL wanted an indefinite discipline of at least the whole 2022 season—an unprecedented sentence for unprecedented conduct! [Exclamation point and emphatic hand gesture, per forensics tradition.] The judge was having none of it: the decision reviewed prior cases where a six-game suspension was given for violent sexual conduct. Italics mine, because the judge thread quite the needle.
The decision found that Watson, yes, assaulted therapists with his penis, but the judge characterized that as “non-violent sexual conduct”. Should be noted: this is the stuff of top criminal advocacy. Howevah,
and feel that “non-violent dick assault” stinks of incel sophistry.
The judge does have a point. The decision references that the NFL, from Ray Rice to Deshaun Watson, has been a weathervane for public opinion: “Just as the NFL responded to violent conduct after a public outcry, so it seems the NFL is responding to yet another public outcry about Mr. Watson’s conduct.” The decision leans on a principle of criminal law: you penalize a conduct for a predetermined punishment. Thus the pervin’, while undisputed, must abide by the prior 6-game suspension benchmark imposed by the league, no matter how much the NFL grandstands.
In the end, the decision is satisfying in terms of being a definite solution and calling out the NFL for questionable scruples. All things considered, six games are nothing. But the decision made findings that will follow Watson for the rest of his NFL career, at least. These are:
- Watson is hereby suspended for six (6) regular-season games without pay. Although this is the most significant punishment ever imposed on an NFL player for allegations of non-violent sexual conduct, Mr. Watsons pattern of conduct is more egregious than any before reviewed by the NFL.
- Recognizing that the only discipline mentioned in the CBA is a fine or suspension, I nevertheless believe it appropriate for Mr. Watson to limit massage therapy to Club-directed sessions and Club-approved massage therapists for the duration of his career, and so impose this mandate as a condition to his reinstatement.
In short, coming to The Pauls in Week 7!
Via @steelers_burner & postimage
NFL NEWS
See above.
-Deebo Samuels signs 3-year extension with San Francisco, $58.1 million USD guaranteed.
SPROTS TONITE
All times Central. As always, slur-free.
GRANDES LIGAS
Marineros (Gonzales) @ Y*nk*s (Germán) – 6:05
Mets (Scherzer) @ Nacionales (Corbin) – 6:05
Serpientes (Davies) @ Guardianes (Quantrill) – 6:10
Tigres (Skubai) @ Twines (Sin decisión) – 6:40
Medias Rojas (Eovaldi) @ Fuck Houston (García) – 7:00
tWBSs (Watkins) @ Patrulleros (Gray) – 7:05
Reales (Keller) @ Medias Blancas (Kpoech) – 7:10
Balboas (Senzatela) @ Padres (Clevinger) – 8:40
Doyers (Heaney) @ Giogantes (Webb) – 8:45
TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL
Argentina
Colón (Santa Fe) hosts Independiente – 7:30
Brasil
Santos hosyts Fluminese – 6:00
Bolivia
Oil Derby!
Independiente Petrolero hosts Oriente Petrolero – 6:30
Per Wiki P, Oriente Petrolero is royalty and Independiente is the nouveau riche of Bolivian fútbol, getting to the top flight last year after toiling for 17 years in the lower divisions of Bolivian fútbol. Which is still pretty high [beat] per altitude.
No, YOU try a zinger. Kiss mah drank.
Colombia
Bucaramanga hosts Deportes Tolima – 6:00
Atlético nacional hosts Deportivo Pasto – 8:05
Uruguay
Peñarol hosts Fénix – 6:00
Ecuador
9 de Octubre hosts Orense – 7:00
Fun Facts! Per Wiki P, 9 de Octubre was founded on August 25, 1912. 65 days before the date that bears its name. Which, for me, confirms a deep conviction: nothing makes sense. Order is an illusion and I await celebrating Fathers’ Day on Tax Day and Throwback Thursday during Good Friday.
FINALLY,
the NFLPA last night tweeted that they would abide by the decision and not seek an appeal. It also called for the NFL to do the same.
If only it were thus. All appeals are heard by ol’ Code Red, the Commissioner hisself. You can imagine, in light of findings of “unprecedented” “egregious” pervin’ , that the league might just appeal out of spite for being Tut Tut-ed about arbitrary and crowd-pleasing discipline, Roman Colosseum style. They seem to be mulling it: the NFL.com landing page greets you with “Deshaun Watson facing suspension”, which is oddly general.
I think this is over. The NFL has incentive to appeal and White Knight the shit out of sexual politics. The Union will lose and could file a Hail Mary in federal court, but risks a severe legal trouncing and the humiliation of signing a one-sided CBA on discipline. I don’t think the NFL brass is that evil. It is so profitable that it can be mediocre in the guise of “Let’s turn the page” benevolence.
God damn we need games.
All gifs via giphy.com
[…] been said plenty elsewhere but the NFL is a bunch of cowards for letting DeShaun Watson off with a slap on the wrists instead […]
NFL really wanted zero games for Watson.
They just lost six weeks of “TUNE IN TO SEE THAT QB YOU HATE!” revenue.
On the polar opposite of Role Model Deshaun:
Tiger Woods Was Offered LIV Golf Contract in $700M-$800M Range, Greg Norman Says | News, Scores, Highlights, Stats, and Rumors | Bleacher Report
His agent’s reaction (Artistic Interpretation):
The Simpsons: Homers heart failure – YouTube
I’m a little confused by what the post is predicting.
My own prediction is that this is a no-brainer for the NFL to appeal to Goodell, and for Goodell to throw the book at Watson and give him a full season or more. Let the NFLPA go to court and try to knock it down. If a federal judge says “Roger Goodell was too harsh on a serial sexual assaulter,” they will take that every time. “Gosh, folks, we tried!”
Powerful recap Don T. The knowledge I start this day, and season, with has been skillfully enhanced.
Needs more YEE HAW!
HE IS FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!!!!!
Right now, the Watson remorse meter stands at 2028 Players Tribune Tell All:
“Six years ago, I was so ashamed and depressed that I took a long drive by myself at 3 in the morning, and stopped in the middle of nowhere and almost turned a massage-gun on myself”.
Lemme lay some science on yinz!
The Browns statement is certainly a number of words. It’s like they hit buzzword bingo
Btw, That drink gif is perfect for me.
Hell of a presentation.
You gotta step up your game
Clearly!
The jiggle makes it perfection
We are now past three hours delayed on this flight. Fuuuuuck.
“And furthermore, all of Mr. Watson’s future masseueses shall be men, and if he gets an erection, even the slightest movement, we will all laugh merily at his questionable masculinity”
-Judge Larry D.
US weekend strike in Afghanistan killed top al-Qaida leader Ayman al-Zawahri.
And at his age, you know he don’t mean “took a shit”
Should be a question mark at the end of that, a’la Trent Green.
Popsicles are great
Melona bars are the best kind of popsicle.
I’ve got a few local paleterias I need to check out, I have been remiss
TheShaun should be forced to play out his career without his helmet – his choice, either the protective headgear or the tip of his penis.
As a Stillers fan, I am not happy that it’s only six games for TheShaun. Also, as a Stillers fan, I have to acknowledge the HARFness of this. As a Stillers fan with two young daughters, I wonder just how much of my soul is worth redeeming at this point.
Spr0ts are supposed to be the pleasant distraction.
Next to Ben, Truf Biscuit is an archduke
Also, I think Valley Girl talk should come back. OK fine. Fer sure fer sure.
Gag me with a spoon!
Grody to the max!
[door flies open]
“Did somebody say…oh. Never mind.”
On a more optimistic note, the first Jan 6th guy to be sentenced got 7 years!
Whenever he reports to Club Fed, I sure expect Q-Anon Shaman to be catching not pitching.
All those hats and flags he bought, all those liberal tears he drank, all those three-syllable slogans he chanted, all that money and time and energy he sacrificed to that fat orange cow of a false idol, and all he got in return was seven years in prison and the eternal hatred of his children. I hope he thinks it was worth it.
Fediral pirsin to 0wn da libz lol
Biden gonna pardon him.
The good (or bad??) news is that Hippo will be stepping back up to the auction block after all. Against all odds, my League found an 11th and Hippo will make 12. Goyim Space Lasers lives on.
Fuck, I won’t be able to nominate Brissett for $1 now.
Bummed I missed the draft this morning, but after a brief skim it looks like I could still pick
1) Civ 6
2) Tropico 6
3) Any of the Shenmue series
4) Someone must have picked Portal or Portal 2 and I just didn’t see it?
5) Carmageddon (played this all the time while learning to drive, freaked my mom out)
Carmageddon is bloody fantastic. Emphasis on bloody.
There is BLOOD FOAR TEH BLOOD GODS??
*GOD
There is only ONE blood god.
Read the DAMN blogs!
(I DID, just am pot committed to the bit at this point)
A fair amount, yes.
No Tmbreborn?
I enjoyed it, but not to the obsessive level of the ones listed
Oh, also Jet Set Radio (Jet Grind Radio in the US version)!
And a mention to Cool Cool Tune, my favorite rhythm game of all time.
https://youtu.be/3NI_mYp6mgU?t=459
Damnit I knew I should have taken portal
Credit should go to Shatner as well. He was perfectly fine with a white man and a black woman kissing on TV. The two purposely messed up all takes that didn’t include the kiss so they’d have to use it.
Now you know why you ain’t never met a trekkie from Alabama or Mississippi!
Except this isn’t a criminal case. In fact, one might argue that the NFL *must* have the potential to escalate the punishments, otherwise it becomes a simple case of “is sexually assaulting this masseuse worth the potential of a six game suspension…IF I get caught?”
The whole non-violent thing REALLY pisses me off. Since these women didn’t respond in a way that provoked DeShaun Watson to get violent, it mitigates his actions? Fuck that.
The NFL really is turning into a cancer upon our society.
If I’m a DL playing the Browns, I’d be licking my chops because you know BLEERGH may not be inclined to call Roughing the Passer.
Or if Watson throws a pick, I tell him “You sure do lol to force it in” just to get him riled up.
And he’s been off the field for a while, so reasonable enough to think he’ll be rusty and not reacting at game speed for a few weeks, so should be lots of opportunities to get hits in
The criminal justice system did nothing. All civil suits, but one, were settled. The Texans settled the enabling claims a week after the news broke.
I feel a six game suspension, plus the big stain on Watson’s reputation, is more stiff punishment than all of the above combined.
Not me. I’d have liked to see him get suspended for a full season, at the very least.
FWIW the Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. sees it much the same as you do.
Not the only thing that’s sti–(served with 24 cease and desists from Ed McMahon’s rigor mortis corpse)
I think the solution is to find a guy that’s into Waston and he’s the only one ever to massage him and when the masseuse gets an erection then it gets rubbed all over Watson. Non-violently of course
Do him here
https://mobile.twitter.com/CincyProblems/status/1554172921358196736?cxt=HHwWgICxkbSCxJErAAAA
Joe Burrow is back short one appendix on a Golf Cart. What’s the worse that can happen?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khg1Xh70x1o
Less appendix, less wind resistance #Obvio