Lately I’ve been watching ‘Alone’ on Netflix. ‘Alone’ is a show where 10 contestants got shipped off to some godforsaken and very remote area, then are left on their own until all but one of them taps out. The winner gets $500,000.
Now, before Hippo runs out and volunteers as tribute
it’s important to note that the people of the show are all trained in survival, some of whom make their living at nothing more than being a survivalist. To now surprise, these people really need $500,000, because that is not a lucrative gig. Thank you, Grizzly Adams, but I have access to papers and matches; I do not need to know how to start fires. Here’s $5 anyway.
In the wilderness, however, these people are gods. They build their own shelters, from scratch. They hunt, (largely unsuccessfully), they fish, (also without a lot of success, but more than the hunting), they gather. They fight boredom and their own thoughts. They express their thoughts on camera, a= lot, which is the weakest part of the show. I am here for the survival stuff; I have no interest in your issues with Daddy. Please go hunt something and stop talking.
Anyway, for our purposes, all contestants are also limited to 10 items of their own choosing. Today, you’ll be drafting, one item at a time, your own 10, (or until you get bored), survival items for when you find yourself in a remote area. In ‘Alone’ there are certain things you can’t bring, like matches, or a gun. Not today. If it makes sense to you to bring a bottle of perfume to a remote island, (It does not. I can’t emphasize enough that if you find yourself in a survival situation please do not rely on a bottle of perfume), you go ahead and draft it
Once an item is drafted its gone for good. For that reason, be very specific. If you take a rifle, for instance, a shotgun or pistol would still be on the board.
With the first pick, I’m taking a box of 500 matches.
Infinite supply of duct tape.
Damn it. I swear I looked!
(puts on Dunce Cap, sits in corner)
/demands duct tape back
Big ass bag of Funyuns.
Fuck it, I’m bringing a rifle.
So far I have matches, a good tent, saw, and a rifle.
So I can shoot myself and fall into the fire when it gets cold.
Also Spam. Can’t forget that guy!
Slit my throat, stick me in the ground over hot coals for a couple days, and you’re eating well-marbled slabs for weeks.
Also, you should get a freezer.
Spam, you say?
Oh, so NOW you’re pro-gun?!
I have no problem with guns; I would just like them to as difficult to get as driver’s licenses.
Chemical terlet!
/bonus as I just realized that after each detective novel is read, I have ample fire starter/terlet paper available
4. I need fire, and since matches and lighters are off the board I’ll go with…wait. I’m going to take a set of binoculars – both for regular use and so I can use one of the lenses as a magnifying glass to start fires.
?sw=800&sh=800&sm=fit
RTD might actually have a shot at surviving on the real show.
The rest of us are well and truly fucked.
A sewing kit
A shitload of these:
https://www.rei.com/product/406032/potable-aqua-iodine-and-taste-neutralizer-tablets
Ooh, that’s a smart pick.
Damn, I was going to take those late. Crucial.
Oh well, back to boiling all my water.
Bet you wish you had a generator and some diesel.
I got a rifle, buddy, I can get them.
giant roll of sturdy twine (but which is cuttable by me sharp-pointed spade)
I would go with parachute cord.
I’m deffo consulting you before I go for reelz
We would be pro chill bro
They use tons of para cord on the show.
Bigass warm comfy blanket
Cast iron Dutch oven
extra-large tarp
Yes
I also feel the need to point out that most perfume is like 90% alcohol. That actually could be useful
I’m late so I’m taking my second pick now: a shitton of heavy-duty tin foil
A box of heavy duty 1 gallon zip lock bags
Pro Tip (I used to teach this shit) – items with more than one function are better in most cases.
Disgraceful Baggie Habit!
(I’m not participating in this draft, because even if I had a fully stocked RV, I’d be dead on the first day! I’m just here to heckle)
Heavy-duty bow saw.
Light-duty bow saws still available!
I will take a fully-fueled BMW Blaster with optional all-terrain giant tires
I would also install a sharpened cow-catcher on the front bumper
Diesel-powered RV
Or just this thing
https://youtu.be/ePZJcEeVSSo
wait, this show features ret…the developmentally disabled? Shit, I bet that is some good teevee.
Sam Darnold is branching out.
3. A dog.
Bug spray. Something like a 10 gallon can.
On the show they don’t allow bug repellent, which I consider a war crime.
Oh that’s shitty.
Five sheets of high powered blotter acid.
I don’t think Yeah Right is gonna make it, you guys.
He’s also not gonna care.
I’m focused on staying entertained. Boredom is the real secret killer.
The unsecret killer is wandering around the woods drunk and whacked out of your mind on acid.
Yurt, gotta have somewheres to sleeps
Quonset hut, medium-sized
I was just thinking about these the other day and they popped out of my memory as “Kwanza Huts” which I think would be really nice and festive
Certainly more colorful!
A “starlink” kit, so I could come here and make dick jokes while freezing to death.
Diesel
THIS GUY BFC I CALL HIM MATT MILLEN CAUSE HE KEEPS MAKING DRAFT PICKS THAT ARE EASY TO MAKE FUN OF.
spade with sharp point
[monkey’s paw curls]
I should interject here and point out that ‘Alone’ always puts the contestants near a water source, so you don’t need to draft water.
4 season 1-man tent.
That should get me through the initial period while I build be shelter.
(my shelter will be stacking pine boughs over the tent)
2. A motherfuckin’ wood axe.
Shit, this really puts a cramp in my shelter building plans.
Well, that and my complete inability to nail things together at a right angle.
recliner, waterproofed fabric
Acoustic guitar.
Duct Tape, Like a couple thousand rolls please. From watching Myth Busters, I should be able to make whatever I need.
I’ll take a diesel generator.
Me, getting ready to draft the world’s supply of diesel
[is generated]
pallet of caffeinated V8, Black Cherry flavoUr
One of you better get ‘recliner’ before Hippo picks again.
A set of chisels, a weapon and tools, if you think chisels can’t be used as tools, I got some oak planks that will tell you different.
I’m drafting based on the premise that rescue is not forthcoming; i.e. this is a long-term survival project.
You can tap out any time you like, (but you can never leave), so it’s just whatever enhances your survival for the longest period of time.
On the show you can’t bring food. In this dumbass draft you can.
I’d like a fully charged satellite phone, to call someone to come rescue my dumb ass
They give you one on ‘Alone’. It’s how you tap out.
1. A deer trap aka a clover trap.
I would bring a sturdy office desk and chair. Is that two things?
They’re two, but I’m so confident no one else is going to take an office desk and chair that I’m going to overlook it.
Thank you.
A case of Spam.
If it was good enough for the Russian army in WWII it’ll be good enough for me.
Fully stocked refrigerated beer truck. Semi sized.
This guy fucks!
Is our goal to survive on the island or just to get off?
If the latter, I’ll take a speedboat
Survival. If I’m riffing off ‘Alone’ it has to be that.
For the record if I were on ‘Alone’ I would call for them to come get me as soon as it got dark.
Water purifier, since I think Bowie knife is covered under big ass knife.
Box set of Nordic detective novels that I haven’t yet read.
Leatherman tool….it’s 18 tools in one.
https://youtu.be/9rZEkaAcjQA
Gumby has like four of those, which seems like overkill to me!
Scarlett Johansson.
Next week’s topic: “Human Trafficking, And Why It’s Bad”
Alive 2: Wilderness boogaloo
A YYUUUUGGE box of waterproof matches.
I already took “box of 500 matches”
I’m not sure that YYUUUUGGE is enough of a difference.
You didn’t specify “waterproof.”
Pick teh 2nd – chainsaw
OK, thanks to BFC we have a new rule: Your pick has to real. No genies in or out of bottles.
“big ass knife”, however, is now off the board.
One of them elongated Bic lighters.
/waits for Ayo or someone to take all the butane in the world
Easy, I’ll take a magic lamp with a genie that can grant me 3 wishes (the first wish will be for more wishes)
Failing that I’ll take a big ass knife
Considering you took the only logical option, I’ll take a helicopter with a pilot and a full tank of gas.
That’s two picks. You want the helicopter, or you want the pilot?
“I wish my wish would not be granted!” Let us know how that works out.