Monday Morning Mock Draft: All By Myself

Lately I’ve been watching ‘Alone’ on Netflix. ‘Alone’ is a show where 10 contestants got shipped off to some godforsaken and very remote area, then are left on their own until all but one of them taps out. The winner gets $500,000.

Now, before Hippo runs out and volunteers as tribute

it’s important to note that the people of the show are all trained in survival, some of whom make their living at nothing more than being a survivalist. To now surprise, these people really need $500,000, because that is not a lucrative gig. Thank you, Grizzly Adams, but I have access to papers and matches; I do not need to know how to start fires. Here’s $5 anyway.

In the wilderness, however, these people are gods. They build their own shelters, from scratch. They hunt, (largely unsuccessfully), they fish, (also without a lot of success, but more than the hunting), they gather. They fight boredom and their own thoughts. They express their thoughts on camera, a= lot, which is the weakest part of the show. I am here for the survival stuff; I have no interest in your issues with Daddy. Please go hunt something and stop talking.

Anyway, for our purposes, all contestants are also limited to 10 items of their own choosing. Today, you’ll be drafting, one item at a time, your own 10, (or until you get bored), survival items for when you find yourself in a remote area. In ‘Alone’ there are certain things you can’t bring, like matches, or a gun. Not today. If it makes sense to you to bring a bottle of perfume to a remote island, (It does not. I can’t emphasize enough that if you find yourself in a survival situation please do not rely on a bottle of perfume), you go ahead and draft it

Once an item is drafted its gone for good. For that reason, be very specific. If you take a rifle, for instance, a shotgun or pistol would still be on the board.

With the first pick, I’m taking a box of 500 matches.

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Redshirt

Infinite supply of duct tape.

Redshirt

Damn it. I swear I looked!

(puts on Dunce Cap, sits in corner)

yeah right

Big ass bag of Funyuns.

SonOfSpam

Slit my throat, stick me in the ground over hot coals for a couple days, and you’re eating well-marbled slabs for weeks.

Also, you should get a freezer.

Gumbygirl

Spam, you say?

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Redshirt

Oh, so NOW you’re pro-gun?!

King Hippo

Chemical terlet!

/bonus as I just realized that after each detective novel is read, I have ample fire starter/terlet paper available

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. I need fire, and since matches and lighters are off the board I’ll go with…wait. I’m going to take a set of binoculars – both for regular use and so I can use one of the lenses as a magnifying glass to start fires.

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2Pack

A sewing kit

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ooh, that’s a smart pick.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bet you wish you had a generator and some diesel.

King Hippo

giant roll of sturdy twine (but which is cuttable by me sharp-pointed spade)

2Pack

I would go with parachute cord.

King Hippo

I’m deffo consulting you before I go for reelz

2Pack

We would be pro chill bro

SonOfSpam

Bigass warm comfy blanket

ArmedandHammered

Cast iron Dutch oven

King Hippo

extra-large tarp

2Pack

Yes

Doktor Zymm

I also feel the need to point out that most perfume is like 90% alcohol. That actually could be useful

Doktor Zymm

I’m late so I’m taking my second pick now: a shitton of heavy-duty tin foil

2Pack

A box of heavy duty 1 gallon zip lock bags

2Pack

Pro Tip (I used to teach this shit) – items with more than one function are better in most cases.

Gumbygirl

Disgraceful Baggie Habit!
(I’m not participating in this draft, because even if I had a fully stocked RV, I’d be dead on the first day! I’m just here to heckle)

Doktor Zymm

I will take a fully-fueled BMW Blaster with optional all-terrain giant tires
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Doktor Zymm

I would also install a sharpened cow-catcher on the front bumper

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Diesel-powered RV

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or just this thing

https://youtu.be/ePZJcEeVSSo

King Hippo

wait, this show features ret…the developmentally disabled? Shit, I bet that is some good teevee.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. A dog.

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Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
SonOfSpam

Bug spray. Something like a 10 gallon can.

SonOfSpam

Oh that’s shitty.

yeah right

Five sheets of high powered blotter acid.

yeah right

I’m focused on staying entertained. Boredom is the real secret killer.

Game Time Decision

Yurt, gotta have somewheres to sleeps

SonOfSpam

Quonset hut, medium-sized

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Doktor Zymm

I was just thinking about these the other day and they popped out of my memory as “Kwanza Huts” which I think would be really nice and festive

SonOfSpam

Certainly more colorful!

BeefReeferLives

A “starlink” kit, so I could come here and make dick jokes while freezing to death.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Diesel

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY BFC I CALL HIM MATT MILLEN CAUSE HE KEEPS MAKING DRAFT PICKS THAT ARE EASY TO MAKE FUN OF.

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King Hippo

spade with sharp point

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[monkey’s paw curls]

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. A motherfuckin’ wood axe.

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King Hippo

recliner, waterproofed fabric

yeah right

Acoustic guitar.

Game Time Decision

Duct Tape, Like a couple thousand rolls please. From watching Myth Busters, I should be able to make whatever I need.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take a diesel generator.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[is generated]

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King Hippo

pallet of caffeinated V8, Black Cherry flavoUr

ArmedandHammered

A set of chisels, a weapon and tools, if you think chisels can’t be used as tools, I got some oak planks that will tell you different.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m drafting based on the premise that rescue is not forthcoming; i.e. this is a long-term survival project.

Game Time Decision

I’d like a fully charged satellite phone, to call someone to come rescue my dumb ass

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. A deer trap aka a clover trap.

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Brick Meathook

I would bring a sturdy office desk and chair. Is that two things?

Brick Meathook

Thank you.

yeah right

Fully stocked refrigerated beer truck. Semi sized.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is our goal to survive on the island or just to get off?

If the latter, I’ll take a speedboat

ArmedandHammered

Water purifier, since I think Bowie knife is covered under big ass knife.

King Hippo

Box set of Nordic detective novels that I haven’t yet read.

borisnow

Leatherman tool….it’s 18 tools in one.

WCS
Gumbygirl

Gumby has like four of those, which seems like overkill to me!

yeah right

Scarlett Johansson.

Game Time Decision

Alive 2: Wilderness boogaloo

WCS

A YYUUUUGGE box of waterproof matches.

WCS

You didn’t specify “waterproof.”

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King Hippo

Pick teh 2nd – chainsaw

King Hippo

One of them elongated Bic lighters.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/waits for Ayo or someone to take all the butane in the world

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Easy, I’ll take a magic lamp with a genie that can grant me 3 wishes (the first wish will be for more wishes)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Failing that I’ll take a big ass knife

ballsofsteelandfury

Considering you took the only logical option, I’ll take a helicopter with a pilot and a full tank of gas.

BugEyedBoo

“I wish my wish would not be granted!” Let us know how that works out.