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Your Monday Night Preseason NFL Football Open Thread

scotchnaut

/

, ,

It’s not exactly ‘must watch’ tv but it’ll do.

Newsy Notes:

-A stunner-Michael Thomas is injured! His body sure did pay the price for that one magnificent season.

-Brady’s Back! He was vacationing with his family in the Caribbean apparently. For non-GOAT’s, that is usually what the offseason is for. “But Mr. Glazer, I got this super deal-it would be a crime not to go!”

-The Vikes grabbed Nick Mullens from the Raiders in order to shore up their backup qb position. Mullens is that type of guy you completely forget about until you hear his name and then say to yourself, “Oh yeah, him. He’s still around?”. And then you put him away in that category of ‘qb’s that get passed around like a bottle of moonshine at a hobo campfire’. He’s 27 and this is his fourth team.

-Speaking of, Josh Rosen is still being given a chance in the league. He stunk up the joint for the Browns, going 7-20. This is his fourth team in four years. It’s almost as though talent evaluators in the league just can’t admit they were dead wrong about a prospect. Well, perhaps Arizona should be excluded given that they showed him the door as soon as he showed them his wares.

-Rich Getting Richer: Much has been said about rook tight end Isaiah Likely of the Ravens and he made those fellas look good by grabbing 8 balls for 100 yards. If you thought that he’s a possession type, he had 52 of those yards after the catch. A two tight end setup with Mark Andrews might just be a nightmare in an RPO offense.

To The Game!

Falcons/Jets:

-Everyone’s favoUrite Mother Lover is still out so we get Elitest Glass of Milf Joe Flacco (he’s 2-11 as a starter since he left the Ravens) with Mike White (remember his 4 INT game vs the Bills last November?) and a youngster by the name of Chris Streveler.

-On the other end Mariota-if he plays-was one of the worst qb’s under pressure when he was last a starter back in 2018.

-The Falcons wr unit looks so bad-Zacceaus, Byrd, Allison, Hodge, Darby, Tate, etc. the nobody’s list goes on and on..

-At least they’ve got Pitts.

-Can Saleh break the streak? The Jets haven’t won a game in September since 2018.

Bring some funny.

 

 

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Senor Weaselo

True musician fashion: Get home from gig and post-gig shenanigans at 3 AM. Have to wake up at 8:30 to shower and things get ready to teach a student 30-45 mins away at 10:15.

1
Doktor Zymm

People at the bar have put forth the bold proposition that Spirit and Frontier are unpleasant to fly! Yeah, I’m gonna keep myself to myself because I don’t want to sprain my facetious muscles or overtax my obviousness gland. “no one checks bags anymore so they can’t fit all the carryons!”

Christ, I was not this fucking dumb when I was in my 20s

2
Doktor Zymm

Sudden twist! Dude is from Edmonton!

0
Doktor Zymm

His dad was on a flight with a guy who had a Grey Cup ring 20 years ago!

0
Doktor Zymm

Did y’all know that hockey has really taken off in Canada??

1
Doktor Zymm

Correction, dude’s dad is from Edmonton but dude grew up in Vegas, and the 2 chicks are from Toronto

0
Horatio Cornblower

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4
Redshirt

Ohio really needs to get Sports Gaming. Since it so far away, its not worth it to make small easy bets (why drive 90 minutes round-trip just to make a $14 profit), which forces me to make long-shot bets (maybe Seattle’s strategy of not having a viable QB will work).

3
Doktor Zymm

That’s the spirit! If it ends up being a total washout it’s easy enough to forget about in a few months when we know it’s totally irrelevant, and if not it adds significant spice to life!

1
Doktor Zymm

Deshaun Watson is equal with Derrick Henry for MVP at +8000

Some team called the “Texans” are -5000 not to make the playoffs

0
Doktor Zymm

Went with 4 straight bets, Lions win NFC North, Falcons win NFC South, Eagles win NFC champs, Bengals win it all.

2
Doktor Zymm

If I win all 4, my $40 becomes $745

3
Mr. Ayo

And to think, that $40 could have kept your hands warm for a few minutes instead.

1
Doktor Zymm

It was $40 in paper bills, so that momentary warmth probably came with monkey pox, MRSA, and who knows what else

0
Gumbygirl

This is what else. At least for the dudes

facebook_1661123539990_6967257108274754029_365982062673616.jpg
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Doktor Zymm

Ok, this is hilarious

2
Mr. Ayo

It’s amazing the male species has survived this long.

1
WCS

That’s good GAMBLORIN’!

2
Sharkbait

I’m hoping MA turns on sports betting before week 1

Last edited 3 years ago by Sharkbait
0
Redshirt

Good. If the Bengals fail to win the Super Bowl. I can blame you!

3
Doktor Zymm

I was thinking of apologizing in advance for that, but decided against it

0
Redshirt

When it comes to gambling, do what you need to do. Nothing is personal.

1
Doktor Zymm

Also contemplating stupid NFL futures bets. I’m not willing to go stupider than “Eagles win the NFC championship”

1
Sharkbait

Do it. They occasionally pay off!

0
SonOfSpam

My thought while deciding whether to drop a quarter in the stripper’s buttcrack

2
Senor Weaselo

Holy shit, after all these years, YOU were the Ass Crack Bandit?

1
WCS

Jaguras win AFC South 50-1

Josh McDaniels win Coach of the Year 150-1

DFO goes Public 50000-1

The Rest of the World Fully Understands HippoSPEEK by Week 10 OFF

Last edited 3 years ago by WCS
5
SonOfSpam

Jags should be higher since that’s not their division. Like at least 200-1.

4
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, they wouldn’t even give me odds on the Browns winning the Eurovision song contest

4
WCS

What about the Fuck Lions?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO4Hzo-WGic

0
Brick Meathook

Can you bet on wars there? Ask if they got any action on the Ukraine situation (a.k.a. World War III: Round One)

1
Redshirt

Parliamentary Inquiry: “By DFO going public, do you mean publicly traded company or the public literally finding out about us?”

0
Redshirt

2017: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2018: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2019: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2020: “Eh, why not?” Places bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.
2021: “Ah, not worth the 45-minute drive to Indiana.” Doesn’t place bet on “Bengals win AFC Championship”.

2022: “THAT IS WHY DOK!”

// Not Making This Up Disclaimer

4
Doktor Zymm

I have to charge another $40 to my room to get $100 next visit. I’m full of delicious food, and the spa is closed, so it’s gonna be booze. Do I go one drink of excellent scotch, or probably 2 specialty martinis? Not gonna do plain mixed drinks cause those are $1 tip to the waitress each if I sit down and play more cards

1
Horatio Cornblower

That’s a tough one. For me it breaks down to how much Scotch are they going to give you versus how tired you are. If the ratio of Scotch-to-Tired isn’t favorable I’d go ahead and get the two martinis.

1
Recovery Whiskey

Three shots of lower shelf bourbon could’ve been in play maybe

3
Doktor Zymm

If the truffle oil doesn’t work, yuzu probably will

0
Dunstan

Now yuzu I can get behind. I have a bottle of yuzu liqueur that I haven’t quite found the best use for yet.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Have you, and I know this is silly, tried drinking it?

9
Dunstan

I don’t know, it makes an excellent cologne.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Good lord.

comment image

3
Sharkbait

Damnit I need to get there. Hopefully before the winter

1
SonOfSpam

Is that a new variant?

0
Horatio Cornblower

No, but it’s not in the regular rotation. Friend of mine happened to stumble on it while up there and gave me one.

1
Brick Meathook

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0
Recovery Whiskey

SUDDEN DRAMATIC TURNAROUND

0
Sharkbait

Is it though?

2
Mr. Ayo

SUDDEN NON-DRAMATIC CHANGE!

(flag and VAR pending)

1
Sharkbait

comment image

6
Recovery Whiskey

A graphic for the Prem used for a catch. Outstanding work

1
Horatio Cornblower

Sir, there is nothing dramatic about a football game in August.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Preseason football is just awful.

“Hey, who wants to see the guy who’ll be delivering your Fed Ex package next week try to make a tackle!?”

5
Recovery Whiskey

Nah man he’s got insurance sales in his future

3
Doktor Zymm

I know I was schedule to make the tackle on Tuesday, but now the projected tackle date is next Thursday, and don’t trust that until you get an ‘out for tackle’ notif

4
Horatio Cornblower

“it says here that my tackle is ‘out for delivery’ but the running back is currently dancing in the end zone. What gives?”

2
Recovery Whiskey

That looked like a wishbone formation

0
scotchnaut

DID SOMEONE SAY FISHBONE??!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Cx4Wq_pgt8&ab_channel=FishboneVEVO

3
Gumbygirl

Yay, Fishbone!

1
Recovery Whiskey

If you’re gonna run you gotta hold onto the ball.

0
Doktor Zymm

Psh, conformist

0
Senor Weaselo

Chiseled Adonis just got off his Pornhub ban to comment about her getting sent to the Shadow Realm.

0
Horatio Cornblower

I have no idea what any of that means.

2
Gumbygirl

Welcome to the Magical Land of Oldasfuck! We have snacks!

4
WCS

Werther’s Originals and Sodium Free Rice Cakes

1
Redshirt

That kick killed them so hard, they fell into Casket Pose.

0
herodotus450

Should all sprots be banned and lobotomized from all of our brains for introducing and legitimizing the phrase “it is what it is” ?
I say Yes.

1
Sharkbait

Counterpoint:
comment image

6
Recovery Whiskey

A member of the 1977 South Side Hit Men

2
Horatio Cornblower

That man’s hat was working overtime.

3
Gumbygirl

It do indeed, Oscar.

2
Mr. Ayo

As opposed to the phrases coined by corporate America?

1
litre_cola

Uh Ayo, can we put that in the parking lot and circle back later?

4
Doktor Zymm

Que sera sera

2
Recovery Whiskey

How was Aaron Hernandez not the highest drafted tight end

Last edited 3 years ago by Recovery Whiskey
1
Horatio Cornblower

There were concerns about his character.

Hard to believe, I know.

3
Sharkbait

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3
Horatio Cornblower

Look, if Urban Meyer didn’t see it coming I don’t know how the rest of us were supposed to.

5
Sharkbait

Bristol’s Best!

2
scotchnaut

Pats Scouting Report:

“Incredible athlete, good hands, sub 4.5 speed, might commit murder in the future, might not. I don’t know. Probably should take a chance, IDK. Has anger issues-could kill someone. Great value in the later rounds. Did I mention he might be a murderer? Runs great routes-might be a difference-maker. Give him a sharp knife in camp-see what happens. Great run after the catch ability. Did I mention he might kill someone? Otherwise, he’s a great kid.”

4
Horatio Cornblower

“Doesn’t take shit from anyone, and by that I mean he will literally kill you if he perceives you as disrespecting him. Seriously, he shot a guy in the face in Florida. I’m not making this up! Anyway, like Scotchy said in his report he’s really fast and has great hands. Take him in the 3rd round, because he’s also a murderer.”

3
SonOfSpam

He ended up even higher, at least a few feet off the ground.

5
BrettFavresColonoscopy

You can’t expect him to be hanging around like that

4
Horatio Cornblower

What is he, a Dungy?

3
Sharkbait

comment image

1
Horatio Cornblower

My son’s finest moment in college, and I’ve told this story before, was when his roommate, a HUGE Pats fan, came back to the room and my son told him that Hernandez got out of prison and the roommate got all excited and said “but how?” and my son said “probably feet first; he hung himself”

I was so proud.

4
SonOfSpam

That’s solid parenting.

2
Doktor Zymm

Theory: there is nothing which you can’t make delicious by drizzling truffle oil on it

1
Dunstan

Counterpoint: Actual truffles are fine but overrated. Truffle oil is gross bullshit.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Source: A truffle pig

2
Dunstan

I’ve been called worse.

5
Doktor Zymm

I mean real truffle oil, not the other shit

1
SonOfSpam

I hate to agree with a lawyer, but this bloodsucking leech is right.

5
litre_cola

Has to be very subtle. I had some truffle salami the other day, delish.

0
Doktor Zymm

First course of the omakase was a sort of light tuna tart with a bit of truffle oil, so good and inspired this comment, even though in this case it would have been tasty even without the truffle

IMG_20220822_185254_0~2.jpg
4
Dunstan

This is the second week in a row that my fishmonger has had fresh sardines. They are so good and so damn cheap, probably because most people are grossed out and/or don’t know how to prepare them.

2
litre_cola

Fucking delicioUs.

0
Dunstan

Enjoying now on the patio with a Clairette Blanche

2
King Hippo

I am filled with shame, but my laundry is about done and I will thusly skip el half segundo.

2
Doktor Zymm

Laundry is the bane of mankind. I am legit gonna work remote because of the loss of the laundry benefit, and I may eventually go back to school to get the knowledge required to invent nanobots that eat the dirt off your clothes and come in convinient powder form

1
Recovery Whiskey

Working remote means your laundry’s right down the hallway, T shirts are acceptable and pants optional

2
Doktor Zymm

Nah, laundry requires going outdoors at my apt. Plus I have to fold my own undies and pay money. Unacceptable.

The absurd suite I got upgraded to at the Vdara has a washer/dryer in one of the closets and I am actually super pissed I didn’t bring all my laundry to save myself $6

2
Recovery Whiskey

If you’re living at the Vdarra you are way out of my price range. Just sitting here in a condo in Seattle. With stacked washer-dryer by Bosch.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Those are called ‘moths’, Zymm.

3
Doktor Zymm

They do the opposite, they eat the clothes and leave the dirt. I want to invent the anti-moth.

2
Mr. Ayo

She was so convinced she could, the Doktor never paused to think if she should.

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Last edited 3 years ago by Mr. Ayo
3
Horatio Cornblower

I saw one of those up close in Key West at a butterfly exhibit.

They are gorgeous.

1
Gumbygirl

It looks like an incredibly expensive silk scarf. Too pretty to be real!

1
Brick Meathook

Well I apparently get ESPN+ but not ESPN, but that doesn’t matter, because Richard Linklater’s Slacker is on, which is one of the greatest motion pictures ever made.

1
King Hippo

You can stream Everton’s massive League Cup tie tomorrow, then!

1
litre_cola

Who do yous got? We have something called Crawley.

0
Recovery Whiskey

Oops

Last edited 3 years ago by Recovery Whiskey
0
Brick Meathook

I always liked it when KSK (and DFO) game threads would list the TV channels that games were available on. Those threads were usually my only guide to game broadcasts, because even Googling can be awful because the SEO algorithms would always direct me into a blizzard of fucking ads instead of just answering my goddam query.

tl;dr – what channel is this on?

1
Mr. Ayo

ESPN.

Do you want us to look up the channel number for your area and provider, too?

4
Brick Meathook

I need you to turn the TV on and adjust the volume as well. There’s some cheddar popcorn in the kitchen; you can go ahead and bring that to me too. Thanks, and I’d appreciate it if you could speed it up a bit.

9
scotchnaut

I’m not calling you out especially but everyone on this site that has had surgery on their lower limbs recently seems to be so needy.*

Last edited 3 years ago by scotchnaut
5
scotchnaut

*I’ll be having surgery on a lower limb next Wednesday. I’ll be needy afterwards, thank you very much.

4
Brick Meathook

I’ve been getting my ass kissed so much lately I’m thinking about getting my other foot cut off.

5
King Hippo

Don’t fall for that trick, they won’t double your pill allotment!

4
Gumbygirl

What did you decide to do about your vacation?

1
scotchnaut

Still up in the air but leaning toward not going.

1
Sharkbait

Lower extremity surgery bros!

1
Brick Meathook

That’s right!

Me and BFC are Hollywood ball-waxing bros.

1
Recovery Whiskey

Is 506sports helpful?

https://506sports.com/

Last edited 3 years ago by Recovery Whiskey
3
Brick Meathook

THIS GUY GETS IT!

2
Recovery Whiskey

I’m from the internet and I’m here to help

2
Gumbygirl

They just had a sideline thing with Laura, and all you could see was her nose. Nice job, ESPN!

1
Recovery Whiskey

Her eyes are up here

2
scotchnaut

Olamide Zaccheaus is

a.) The leader of the Roman Lost Legion

b.) a wide receiver

c.) a dish from northern Nigeria

d.) a savvy detective character from a new book from Jasper Fforde

e.) the lead singer in the new hottest band “Equus”

f.) the latest addition to the Periodic Table

7
scotchnaut

Announcer: “This Spread Offense is showing huge gains on chunk plays!*

*huge gain occurs because of missed tackle by defender

1
King Hippo

Losing Brian Griese is some help, but remains a shitty broadcast

2
Gumbygirl

Makes you miss the Boogermobile, doesn’t it?

2
scotchnaut

Would love to see the Boogermobile come back but want it to be powered by hot air balloons so it could hover over the play.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Was the play over in a jif?

1
King Hippo

I think I could crack the ATL WR rotation. And the J-E-S-T still can’t tackle them.

1
King Hippo

Know what would make me smile? Todd Bowles makes MRSA Dreamboat play the entire first half of the pre-season finale, behind the 4th string OL.

2
scotchnaut

Beautiful women reporters on the sideline, retread qb’s on the field-keep on doing what you’re doing, NFL. #recipeforsuccess

1
King Hippo

I mean, Mariota is TOTES a guy you can go 6-11 with, and not be in position to draft either franchise QB in 2023.

1
scotchnaut

“Preach!”

-The Fins

1
King Hippo

Laura Rutledge looks like a stripper who is trying too hard.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

Not showing enough skin

1
King Hippo

I mean, you have to IMAGINE that part. But the creepy smile, the ridiculous caked-on makeup, the FINGERNAILS? She won’t get through 2 sentences of small talk before asking if you’re ready for a private dance.

/tWBS would have LOVED this conversation

7
ballsofsteelandfury

He really would

2
King Hippo

Welcome to Wrexham parts 1 and 2 premiere Wednesday night!!

1
scotchnaut

Spoiler Alert:

Rob McElhenney is going to play both sides so that he comes out on top.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9EYt_f12wo&ab_channel=Download4What

3
WCS

comment image

1
Redshirt

Here’s a crossover I didn’t know I needed in my life until now:

8484EBA2-BDAD-4695-BA74-ABDB40C3FD8A.jpeg
5
King Hippo

Hank Hill is truly a man for all seasons.

1
scotchnaut

I tell you what. You’re right.

/thank god none of the horrible characters in the cartoon were manifested in the political arena IRL
//phew! That was a close one!

1
King Hippo

They took mah SHINS!!!

0
Senor Weaselo

Fuck, I want the Abridged version.

/Do they still make YGOTAS? I stopped watching in like 2011.

0
litre_cola

Its ok guys, Herschel has solved Climate change, he says we have enough trees. All good.

2
scotchnaut

“Running Back Tries To Tackle Climate Change. It Doesn’t Go Well. We Give Him a Grade of 27.4”

-Pro Football Focus, trying to grow the brand

6
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

But what’s his stance on the quiet car?
-P King

1
Redshirt

To his credit, he knows trees are important. That makes him the most environmentally friendly drone in OrangeDouche’s collective.

3
Gumbygirl

Jesus Christ, he is such a moron!

FY8lx80WAAACkyt.jpeg
5
Don T

/Laughs in Redacteds’ Stadium
comment image

3
herodotus450

Gerald J. Ford? Who the heck was that, the first man to become president of the Metropolitan Dallas Ford Dealership Association without actually being elected!?

5
Redshirt

Some rich asshole.

1
scotchnaut

You got lucky.

3
Downfield Matriculator

Bloated corpse of Jimmy Hoffa finally found down in Dallas? Folks in East Rutherford will be so relieved!

4
Redshirt

Huh, you rarely see terraces on a football field these days.

Last edited 3 years ago by Redshirt
1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I think that stadium is lactose intolerant

1
Senor Weaselo

So that’s where they moved Tal’s Hill.

0
King Hippo

That’s Rikki’s Raiders! are cutting Obama Duck, taking fairly hefty ded cap hit.

Just in time for Fall Sweeps!!

0
Don T

Herschel Walker is getting heat for backing out on a Thursday debate because everybody will be watching SNF.
Actually, the Thursday kickoff is a SNF production when on NBC.

DM for my fees for weddings and parades*.
* raining surcharge applicable

2
litre_cola

Holy shit is cheese ever expensive right now! Especially Parm and Emmental. I need TwoPack to send cheese. I am sure the exchange and postage is STILL cheaper than here.

0
scotchnaut

Should have warned all my Canadia brothers. I bought a massive block of Parm back in May, knowing the cost was going to skyrocket.

/one cool thingy about my job is that I get emails from suppliers regarding the price tendencies of pork, beef, seafood (shelled and not shelled) poultry, potatoes-itgoes on and on.

/if you like early Yukon’s that have very little skin on them, now is the time to buy
//the frozen market on lean ground beef is nearly non-existent, btw.

1
litre_cola

Thank you. My bff’s hubby works for Gordon Food Services and he warned us about meat during Covid so we loaded up. Did nae know the cheese issue.

1
King Hippo

Cheese is Satanic. REPENT, sayeth the Hippo!!

-1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ANDROID TABLET: Please schedule new OS install time.

RTD: [starts scheduling, happens to cross through current time]

ANDROID TABLET: OKAY NOW!

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

So is he likely on the Ravens or Likely is his last name?

0
WCS

IT CAN BE TWO THINGS

0
scotchnaut

After reading about the rules regarding this [cut blocks allowed within the ‘tackle box’] it’s very apparent that the block on Kayvon Thibdeaux was completely legal and Kayvon made a mental mistake. Yet another Giant gets banged up though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dHMn6okTou0&ab_channel=BrettKollmann

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