Are you ready for a great year? It’ll be kinda difficult to top last year although as a Giants fan I can see some areas for improvement. Each team is facing questions as the season opens so let’s do a wee bit of that for the intros.
To The Games!
Saints/Falcons:
Will Jameis Winston be able to cut down his interceptions again this year? In seven games last year he only threw 4! He usually runs at a 1/1.5 per game rate. It looks as though Michael Thomas is a game-timer leaning towards starting although I’m sure he’ll be on a snap count-as are all players that are composed of balsa wood. Will he make it to the end of the third quarter? Will Drake London win Offensive Rookie of the Year? After Pitts there’s nothing to the Falcons passing game.
Niners/Bears:
When will The Unloading of Jimmy G finally occur? Will Lance get pulled if his play turns out to be sloppy? Camp observers say that rocket of an arm has a barely-functioning guidance system. Will the Bears offense be watchable?
Steelers/Cincy:
Will the Steelers wait until after the bye week to run The Pickett Fence? Oh wait, that’s a Hoosiers movie reference. I’ll leave the Pickett’s Charge jokes to you Civil War fans. The Bengali’s o-line has been addressed-will it be a cohesive unit though? Experience tells me these things take a bit of time. Is Cincy’s wr corps the best in the NFL? I lean towards ‘yes’.
Eagles/Lions:
Are the Eagles going to continue their slap-happy, run-all-day ways? Will Miles Sanders ever be a real threat to cross the goal line? Dan Campbell still has the hearts and minds of his players-will this actually translate into wins though?
Pats/Fins:
Does any fantasy fella want any part of New England’s O? I vote “No!”. Will they be able to improve on their 2-7 record in Miami? What will a Mikey McDaniel’s O actually look like? Is Gesicki on the outs?
Ravens/Jets:
Will Hallmark create another sub-genre, this one being “Gently Aging Cougar-ish Women That Chase After Football Players”? My erect nipples indicate that I would watch the hell out of that. Will Flacco put Hippo to sleep mid-game? You know the answer. Outside of Bateman and Edwards, will anyone catch a damn ball?
Jags/Commies:
Is the Meyers addition by subtraction gambit gonna lead to some W’s? How many gallons of sewage water will pour onto fans this week? What will Snyder charge per gallon?
Browns/Panthers:
Are you nuts? Picking McCaffrey first overall? Just throw your draft away, why don’t you? The Browns have some fantastic pieces of talent sprinkled throughout their roster but don’t you feel that The Watson Debacle has cast a shadow over the organization?
Colts/Texans:
Will Ryan have a career-rejuvenating year or will the wheels fall off? Their is no in-between. Will my prediction of Davis Mills throwing 30 TD’s bear fruit? Botanists everywhere hold their breath.
That’s the early games. Do a thing with your digits down below.
Pray for the LemonJello party as we start the trek down I-95 to Fortress LemonJello. See you all for the late thread, hopefully.
“All right, Huber, all you need to do is put it somewhere inside the twenty…”
Saying a silent prayer to David Carradine right now.
Shanklor be praised!
And his son Doink!
I see that inflation is also hitting football games.
I was wondering why CIN was so close yet they wouldn’t send the kicker in.
Was that 3rd down? If so, the holder really should have eaten that and tried again on 4th.
Yup. Actually not. The next could’ve gone over his head and gone the other way.
Jesus Christ they cut away for the Chargers!
Laces out…and snap not six feet above the holder!
He missed it!
Just have Wilcox snap it 30 yards, recover the fumble and hold it there!
Field goal now?!@
WHY?!
Boyd out. Mixon out. Sanity out.
Just run out the clock and escape with a tie. I’ll take the point.
My Loser pool entry strongly disagrees!
That’s on you for betting on the Bengals, for or against! You knew what you were getting into!
Lookit that, 4th round kicker draft choice VALIDATED
Time for Fat Pitch Mitch to tee one up for the Bengals defense.
Not in Matt Canada’s offense.
“Five-yard pass behind the line of scrimmage? DIAL IT UP!”
I am going to lose a 4 game parlay that would have won me 350 by 1 fucking point in one game.
Football is most definitely back.
You could almost see the Bengals Holder head shrug as the snap slowly came toward him.
“Oh, shit. This is gonna suck.”
I was waiting for Biscuit to call “titties”
Yes, we have some bananas! We have some bananas todayyyyyy!🎶
Had I bet any of this, I would be ded and buried
Okay. Bengals need a Touchdown to win, and our biggest weapon, McPherson, has been eliminated. Poop.
OT in Houston and Cinnciatti
Bananacakes in Cincy!
Laces Out!
REDSHIRT HATES FOOTBALL AGAIN
Hahahahahahahahaha!
Lulz
REDSHIRT LOVES FOOBAWL AGAIN
Not yet.
upon further review…
Touchdown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Emergency Long Snapper?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?
REDSHIRT HAZ A HAPPY
Or not.
Redshirt, do you have a vest with the built in defibrillators? Because if you don’t, you should get one.
CHASEFUCKINGDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
GO FOR 2!!! GO FOR 2!!!
Might as well have.