Greetings, cretins. Line up your toothiest, bity-est takes for the farewell performance of Luis Suárez’s career. More accomplished nags than I will also expound on Suárez’s presumptive dirty play and diving, which would sully further the already unredeemable festival of greed and homophobia that is the Cutter World Cup. It will be interesting because:

• South América will take over the 2022 World Cup;
• The Best of Guays will romp to the semis; and,
• I need sports to channel morbid tendencies.

Before devolving into further disdain, whether for decency or your judgment, let’s cover some basics.

Uruguay sits at the lower right coast of Suramérica, just below behemoth Brazil and to the right of big brother Argentina. Uruguayans and Argentinians are close cultural kin. Their version of español has a verb tense that exists nowhere else.* And both of those folks pronounce with a “sh” all words with “ll” and some with “y”—which sounds oh-so-twee to every other single Spanish speaker, even the Spanish!

* A variant of the second person present imperative, since yer dyein’ 2 kno.

In the XIXth Century, the territories of Uruguay and Argentina were united in the wars of independence against Spain. But when it came time to organize as a nation, Uruguayans said to Argentinians “Nah, we good”, and formed the República Oriental del Uruguay. Stiffing The Argentine from prime real estate facing the Atlantic Ocean, plus access to multiple rivers, left a deep impression in both countries–an imbroglio forever marked by the number of blue stripes in the countries’ respective flag:

Within the world of fútbol, if England is the founder, then Uruguay is England’s U.S.A. Uruguay outperformed England in fútbol in the same manner the U.S.A. outperformed England on what it did best: imperialism. Plus Uruguay, like the U.S.A., did it in a very short time and peaked: Uruguay won every sanctioned** world championship it played between 1924 and 1950—the year the Korean War started. Since then, both Uruguay and the U.S.A. have fallen: the former in the sphere of international fútbol, the latter in international capitalism by force.

** Meaning sanctioned by FIFA, a cartel so corrupt and rapacious it makes the U.S. Congress look like Ben & Jerry’s Board of Directors. Recent example: Cutter won the 2022 World Cup bid by bribing FIFA officials, which the U.S. Department of Justice confirmed. A more recent example: two months ago FIFA approved Cutter’s request of playing the inaugural game after the opening ceremonies, on Sunday, November 20—a day before the official start date. Aside from fucking up opponent Ecuador’s schedule, it also allowed the host to play a lone, attention-hoard game, instead of being the first game of a quadruple header. End of footnote!

In South American Qualifiers, Uruguay placed third, below Brazil and Argentina. Bears noting that Brazil is the favorite to win the 2022 WC with Argentina second (source), so third place ain’t bad for a country of about 3.5 million people. What Uruguay does is produce footballers, a cliché and part of the headline of this cnn en español piece. The passion for the game and the way it’s ingrained in the culture of Uruguay is undeniable. The secret weapon, though, is the structure.

The Asociación Uruguaya de Fútbol (AUF) is a serious, under-the-radar P*tr**t-style operation that runs the comparatively rickety Uruguayan league system. But the AUF has in place a web to identify local talent and get them rising to the local ranks and promote their sale to club teams overseas, notably in Europe. The model would be: identify a skilled infant, get him to an academy of a big club in the capital (Montevideo), and then have, say, a Portuguese or Dutch club buy that player as a teenager.

Imagine being a poor kid from the sticks. The best-case scenario for your career is: get away from your family and move to Montevideo between 13-16, and go to Europe while 17-19–leaving your family an ocean away and most probably having to learn a new language.

And, AND if it happens that you fall in love with a girl while in Montevideo, and she moves away to Spain with her family, maybe use that as a motivation to stop relying on talent and work your as off to play in Europe, near her. Then get noticed by a Dutch team and get a contract and move to The Neds, alone. If you happen to improve, you might be named captain, although that has the downside of having to address the team—in Dutch. But for love of the girl who left for Europe, those are just milestones that can be achieved by industry. In the end, you get a good signing that, by 22, allows you to marry that girl and have three children with her. In the interim, you crush the Dutch, English, and Spanish top tiers. Why that’s right: you are Luis Suárez baybeh!

Others who have tread a similar path, albeit without the Players’ Tribune / Disney glass-boot backstory, are:

Fernando Muslera, 36 (G) – Turkey (Galatasaray since 2011)

José María Giménez, 27 (D) – Spain (Atlético Madrid since 2013)

Sebastián Coates, 31 (D) – England (Liverpool on 2011) He’s also been on Sunderland and plays in Portugal (Sporting CP) since 2016. He’s the team captain.

Rodrigo Betancur, 25 (M) – Italy (Juventus on 2017), signed with Spurs in England in 2022

Lucas Torreira, 26 (M) – England (Arsenal in 2018), signed with Galatasaray in 2022.

Federico Valverde, 24 (M) – Spain (Real Madrid since 2017). Per Transfermarkt, Valverde is the FIF most expensive and therefore best player in the world, behind Haaland, Mbappé, Vinicius, and Foden.

Edinson Cavani, 35 (F) – Italy (Palermo in 2007), then superbly to Napoli, notably at PSG, and ignominiously with Man Ure. In 2022, Cavani is kinda tearing it in Spain right now (Valencia, four goals in seven games).

Darwin Núñez, 27 (F) – Spain (Almería in 2019), then Portugal (killing it with Benfica), and now with Liverpool (to be continued).

[Facts from Wiki P]

But there are two players that I’m really really into. The first is goalie Sergio Rochet, 29. He has been La Celeste’s goalie in recent games and has had a so so career, until 2022. After bouncing around Netherlands and Turkey between 2014 and 2019, he returned to Uruguay to play for its most prestigious club: Nacional, where he has improved in every season. He got a call up for La Celeste in 2021, but did not play. Well, everything started coming up Sergio in 2022: Nine caps, seven clean sheets, and two goals conceded for country. He’s gotta be the starter now. Late bloomers woo!

The second is midfielder Giorgian De Arrascaeta, 28, who is NAWT the lead guitar of a System of a Down URU tribute band. Giorgian has been playing in Brazil since 2015. To date, De Arrascaeta is the most expensive transfer in Brazilian fútbol, and is also the with Flamengo, the 2022 Brazilian and South American Champion. Other parts of his professional résumé:

I’ve watched the Copa América and the qualifiers. La Celeste with Giorgian is a lively fútbol team. As for señor De Arrascaeta’s character, it is unimpeachable. Here is video evidence:

Show me a better judge of character than Brazilian mobs. You can’t!

La Celeste has a new coach, Diego Alonso, a slim 40-something who had a distinguished career in México before becoming, in 2019, the first head coach of MLS’s Inter Miami FC (David Beckham’s Florida adventure). Team and coach quit on each other a year later. Alonso was named DT of La Celeste in late 2021, after which it had gone on a bleak 0-1-4 and treading water in the CONMEBOL table. Alonso has coached Uruguay in all of their 2022 games, going 7-1-1. The loss was on a friendly against Irán (ugh), although Uruguay went 2-1-0 against the three Norteamericanos.

SoUrry Canadá, suck it México.

Uruguay is in Grupo H, with South Korea, Portugal The Country, and Ghana. Uruguay opens the World Cup against South Korea—minus Son Heung-Min. For the haters: I’m letting you know ahead of time; I don’t want ye choking on bile before the second half penalty. Uruguay eliminated Portugal in Russia 2018, so there’s some bad blood there.

Counterpoint: Cavani got injured in that game and Cristiano Ronaldo helped him off in a humane way,

, rather than the “Get up you malingerin’ fook!” favored the world over. (Photo via deccanchronicle.com, a worthwhile click for the rainbow of misanthropy that gesture wrought on 2018 Twitter).

And, December 2, 2022, Ghana:

The last time these two met, it was the 2010 World Cup quarterfinal: Ghana against Uruguay, game tied near the end. Both teams are gassed, goalie Muslera leaves his mark and Asamoah Gyan shoots to score—but Luis Suárez stopped with his hand. Clearly intentional. Some people are still disgusted, appalled and disgusted, at such brazen flouting of the Rules of the Game.

Me:

The facts are these: there were stiff sanctions to be imposed on Suárez (expulsion plus suspension), for putting his hand. But if he didn’t, there was not going to be a next game for Uruguay—period. Suárez took the punishment only for giving the slimmest of chances for 10-man Uruguay to win: a penalty kick.

Muslera saved Gyan’s ensuing penalty.*** If you wanna root for a team that lays down “for the sanctity of the sport” at the death, that’s on you.

*** CORRECTION: Gyan hit the crossbar, per RTD’s video below. Worth a click for Suárez’s “Who, me?” face when red carded

Predicción: Uruguay reaches the semis during a World Cup with many political statements plus the extra attention on Iran during their own season of extra repression. I will watch as much of it as I can.

Banner via @ exxulansis; gifs via giphy.com

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