What an absolutely abysmal eight decades eighteen months it’s been for England.

First, you’re already the laughingstock of the planet, still dealing with the aftershocks of a crumbled empire that have been inevitable for the past century.

Second, your perennially underachieving football team appears to finally play up to form for the first time in forever… only to lose the most recent Euro final on penalties, at home, against a hated, yet most certainly inferior, rival nation. Embarrassingly racist fans froth at the mouth while sending slurs and death threats online to Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho, and Bukayo Saka.

Third, your beloved monarch dies, after decades of sweeping racism, colonialism, and sexual abuse under the rug. She then gets replaced by a man whose real father might possibly be Dumbo the Elephant.

Fourth, you have such a deeply sustained political crisis that you churn through Prime Ministers like toilet paper – all without even ensuring that your population won’t freeze and/or starve to death this winter due to such dire economic circumstances.

To most of the global South, the schadenfreude over England’s demise must feel like Christmas, birthdays, and a Vegas bachelor party all rolled into one.

How can one get excited about this World Cup abroad, which is being staged in what is tantamount to an open-air prison, when things are such a mess at home?

Well, a pint or two helps. Simple as.

Oops. You can’t get those there either anymore, it turns out.

In reality, it’s hard to feel good about England’s chances, even with an expanded field of teams for this edition of the World Cup. They’ll get out of their group barring an absolute disaster, but their play on the international circuit has been very uninspired as of late. With three losses and three draws in six matches in UEFA’s Nations League this fall, the Three Lions got relegated from the top tier League A. And yet, oddsmakers still have them amongst the top teams to win it all – but they do the same with the Yankees, Cowboys, and Maple Leafs every year too.

Why do you do this to yourselves?

It’s so incredibly fitting that we have Charles In Charge of England and the rest of the UK… because the sheer buffoonery of this nation’s continued ineptitude on the football pitch displays some incredibly powerful symbolic connections with the beloved 1980s sitcom.

First, let’s talk about the roster this time around. While the expansion to 26 men has allowed for some lineup flexibility from all nations, manager Gareth Southgate has mostly, with a few exceptions, stuck with the core group that he ran with earlier in the year, with almost everyone from the Nations League roster returning for this tournament.

Just a few noteworthy additions to speak of:

• Ben White (defender, Arsenal) – 4 international caps
• James Maddison (midfield, Leicester) – 1 cap
• Conor Gallagher (midfield, Crystal Palace)  – 4 caps
• Callum Wilson (forward, Newcastle) – 4 caps

These young folks will be predominantly used as depth pieces, but they’re some interesting choices considering the depth this nation has available to them. (Though that really amounted to shit all in the Nations League, no?) Jadon Sancho won’t appear in this tourney, and midfielder James Ward-Prowse is an omission that caught a lot of people by surprise.

City’s Kyle Walker, expected to be a key contributor at right back, is still recovering from groin surgery in early October and won’t play the first match against Iran on Nov. 21st.

There’s no doubt that this roster has tons of talent and literally always has the potential to win it all… but literally never, ever does. So in many regards, it feels mostly like the Titanic’s deck chairs have been shuffled.

Thank God for Harry Kane though, eh? What would we do without him on the roster, really.

Next, we need to consider the group that the English find themselves competing in. There’s a sense that Group B is sneakily one of the toughest draws of this tourney, and despite their history of blowing it on the biggest stage, everything is set for them to get out of the group. It’s when the Round of 16 starts that the trouble really begins. Let’s take a look at all three matches below:

England vs. Iran, Nov. 21st, 8:00 AM EST: These two sides have never met in the World Cup before. Iran is ranked 20th in the world thanks to some strong qualifying matches and finishing first in the AFC. In 2018, playing in a group with Spain and Portugal, the Iranians missed the knockout round by just a single point. They’ve really improved in recent years, and right now are especially renowned for their team commitment to defense. That said, they changed managers in September, and star striker Sardar Azmoun is still injured from a Champions League match in early October. I still think the English win this one, but even if the Iranians can’t score effectively, they’ll probably frustrate the hell out of them, not unlike the Shah nationalizing the Iranian oil industry in the ’50s…

England vs. USA, Nov. 25th, 2:00 PM EST: The USMNT is in disarray right now. Normally, the Americans and Mexicans have dominated CONCACAF qualifying, but the side has really lost its way recently. Christian Pulisic is cool and good, but it’s hard to see how the Yanks will be able to match up anywhere against this English side. If this team does get out of the group stage, they are most likely not moving past the round of 16 anyways.

Wales vs. England, November 29th, 2:00 PM EST: Yes, the English have beaten their Welsh countrymen in 10 of their last 11 matches in international competition, but Wales has played hard. They’re ranked 19th right now (which feels high to me, in my humble opinion), but have captain Gareth Bale healthy and ready to go – a big boost, considering he hasn’t played much football in the last year or so. Depending on how both teams’ first two matches go, this could be either quite a snooze or one of the most riveting matches of group play. England beat Wales in stoppage time in the 2016 Euro in their most recent meeting – I hope we get something good out of this.

England have every opportunity not only to make it to the knockout round, but to win this group – but for either of those things to happen, they’ll need to stay motivated and not make bad decisions on the pitch. Fans have their fingers and toes crossed right now that the Nations League disaster was just an anomaly, and not a warning of what is to come for this team.

Still – this team has done fuck all since 1966. I don’t expect that to change any time soon. Winter is coming, and if when the Three Lions crash and burn once again, perhaps the flaming wreckage will keep citizens warm for an extra few minutes as they struggle to find alternative heat sources, amidst the worst energy crisis in decades.

Good luck, England. In football and in economics. You’re gonna need it.