“Oops, almost stepped on the country with the best fans, with the best insults, the best foods, with the best fútbol player and the best sights. In sum, the best country” reads the banner meme, a tight distillation of the world-famous Argentinian humility.

As to Messi and food, yeah, it’s accurate. Argentinian food is all kinds of wonderful and Lionel Messi is a living legend and trophy case. As to Argentina having the best fans,

If by “best” you mean “menacing fuckheads”, yes: Argentina can lay claim to have one of the best fans in the world. The South American club championship is called the Copa Libertadores, a direct reference to the liberation wars against Spain in the XIXth Century. In 2018, the finalists were the two biggest Argentinian clubs, River Plate and Boca Juniors. (In typical Argentinian understatement, that game is called El Súper Clásico.) It was a two-legged final, which had to be postponed THREE times, the last coming after River Plate fans attacked Boca players’ bus leading the way to overall mayhem and gassy improvisation by the Argie Po Po. Well, adults, bureaucrats and other killjoys intervened and the Copa LIBERTADORES final was played in… Spain.

Here in what has been called “the West”, there’s been a widespread call for the boycott of the Slave LaboUr Cup. French city officials have stated there will be no public viewings of matches. Bars in Germany have followed suit. In Argentina, the bread and pastry guild of Buenos Aires announced that they will bake earlier than usual today and have families enjoy breakfast while watching the first match against Saudi Arabia.

Via @fabipa90

The reaction, from this fútbol-mad folks, was understandable:

Via @AngelesFuimos_

Argentina is on a tear. It won the 2019 Copa América in Brazil—wait, I forgot summin’.

The 2020 Copa América was set to be played in Colombia and Argentina. It was the post-lockdown Covid times and that summer in Colombia was a time of protests and political repression, so it bowed out of the Copa. Argentina had even worse problems: their government was controlled by Argentinians, who couldn’t organize a quinceañera even when being spotted the ballroom, catering, DJ, and three roving aunts as chaperones. Bolsonaro, who DTGAF, said “Brazil is open”, so Brazil hosted.

And Argentina beat Brazil in the final, in Brazil, 1-0. And ever since, Argentina has yet to lose a game. And they have been very impressive for two things.

The first is the Messi love. The ultra-fuckhead contingent of Argentina fans used to regard Messi as a champion for Barcelona and a lazy, dispassionate plodder for country. Which is slander, of course. Messi dragged Argentina to the 2014 World Cup final in Brazil; Argentina lost to Tchermany 1-0 in extra time, despite having the two clearest chances for goal by both teams: a coupla gimmes missed by Gonzalo Higuaín and another fella who had a rat tail. Argentina then lost two heartbreak Copa América finals against Chile, in penalty kicks. After the second loss, Messi’ was incosolable and retired from the Albiceleste.(It was a boxing-type retirement.)  But you know how it is: Messi leaves and then he is missed, yearned for even. Another victory for shallowness, which knows no cultural bounds.

The second is the coach, Lionel Scaloni. BUT FIRST, some background.

Argentina has had two World Cup winning coaches. The first is César Luis Menotti.

via pinterest.com

This sentient Y chromosome–the pic reeks of Old English aftershave and cigs–was a larger than life, lefty bohemian gainfully employed by the fascist military junta of 1978 Argentina. Which happened to host that World Cup, during a regime that makes Cutter’s seem like a Texas municipal school board. Menotti is a god in Argentina.

The second is DOCTOR Carlos Salvador Bilardo, a gynecologist by training and a coach whom the English press would call cynical–the toff’s mot of choice for uncouth, win at all costs competitors. He won the 1986 World Cup in México and, since players win the games, it was the Maradona World Cup. Bilardo was instrumental, a massive personality. An overachiever through and through, Catholic, and a tough SOB whose outlook on life is parodied brilliantly:

That’s from @Bipolardo, bio: “Dr. Carlos Salvador (sin medicar)”. It’s a Twitter account that was banned during Covids, but it’s still around. I’m hardly the only one who thinks it’s goddamn genius.

In the shadow of these two monuments of mesmerizing machismo, is Lionel Scaloni:

Via @bernieltoto

Scaloni, formerly of West Ham, is, how can I say… Personable; a warm, definitely human person who seems the most un-Argentinian of types: a chill dude. Scaloni was an Argentina assistant under emasculated madman Jorge Sampaoli, who was fired after the 2018 mini-mutiny at the Russia Invadin’ Cup. Scaloni has been the steady hand and man with a plan that his hapless employer, the execrable Argentinian Fútbol Association, never could have guessed they had in-house. I yearn for the day when sociologists and data scientists decodify the dynamics behind the incompetence -> panic -> improvisation -> success! arc.

Players to watch for Argentina? All. The team is stacked. Argentina starts today against Saudi Arabia. So far, the Cutter games have begot humiliation to sheiks and imams alike. This feels like a thrashing.

Argentina plays México on Saturday, and Poland on Wednesday, November 10. I see seven points and a +5 goal difference in group play, and a run at the semis on the back of a coupla tight tWBSs (1-0).

Argentina can win it all. I have seen them play and they are a machine. The mood in the country is not so much optimism. There’s more worry and anxiety on the Webz, aired earnestly, about Argentina not being able to win their third this year.

Yeah OK. I’ll be fair. Argentinians are definitely personable, fun folks, capable of great generosity. That has been my personal experience anyway. But their grandiosity and self-importance is undeniable. Take it from an expert:

Banner via @Tqdeh