Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 15, 2022 Season

I hope everyone enjoyed their fill of weekend bananacakes.  Let’s hope the Lord saved some for January!

Earlier in the week, I thought to myself that the early window looked kind of meek.  A good reminder of why you should never take anything I think or say seriously, as the action was killer.

Without question, the Match of the Day was in Jersey.  Now, it’s rare that a game between the 7-6 Jets and the 6-7 LioUns could serve as a de facto playoff qualifier – especially with the teams in opposite conferences.  But that’s exactly what this felt like to me, even with 3 more games to play.  The coaches and players also seemed to treat it as such, as the tension and physiclaity were off the charts.

Dan Campbell gave us all nice maths lessons, going for it on 4th and goal from the 1, on the very first possession.  This is ALWAYS the right decision.  Not only does a 50/50 shot net you an expected 3.5 points on average – you also get a bump in case you FAIL.  Pinning the other team inside their 5 devalues their ensuing possession considerably.  In this case, the Jets punter had to shorten his dropback, kicked a rushed, low liner…that Detroit ran back for a touchdown.  This went back and forth, with Good MILF-Hunter Z showing up just before halftime, completing a long pass to set up a FG, right before the half.  10-10 at the break, and the momentum seemed to turn.

That is, before Bad MILF-Hunter Z tossed a horrific pickerception on their next drive, run back inside the 20.  Gangrene D stood firm, but the FG set a 13-10 lead that seemed to last for hours.  With like 11 minutes to play, Campbell found himself in “no man’s land” – 4th and 5 at the NYJ 36.  He opted for the FG try, and the Meadowlands is a tough place is a tough place to kick once winter rolls in.  The try was just short, and the short field flipped the switch again. Jets punch it in for 6, taking a 17-13 lead that looked like it would hold.

But Campbell had one more leverage play trick up his sleeve – on 4th and inches near the 2-minute warning, they executed a PERFECT TE slip screen play.  Not just easy pitch and catch for the first, but also killer downfield blocking to get the LioUns into the end zone.  20-17.  With three timeouts remaining, New York did…some strange shit with clock management.  Follow that with a sack, they faced 4th and forever, which Wilson scrambled around like mad, heaved one across his body…COMPLETE.  They just got their timeout called, with 1 second left.  Greg the Leg got his chance to tie from 58, but the kick went way right.  Detroit keeps the train rolling.  GREAT game.

Iggles/Bearistocrats! was also pretty good.  I lost track of how many sacks Philly got, but it was a fuckton.  I’m still not convinced of what Strawberry Fields is, but you can’t question his toughness.  Anyway, Chi**** did some really good things defensively, forcing Philly to work for every scrap.  But their devastating weapon – Hurts in rugby scrum formation – would tank-roll them through critical short-yardage situations, and that was just enough to escape Illinois with a 25-20 win.

Give some credit to Hobo Lovie Smith – the 500s won’t just crawl into a hole and die, no matter the odds.  After pushing DAL to the limit last week, this time they had Kansas City on the ropes.  Sadly, they couldn’t punch in a late red zone trip for 6, and had to settle for a tying FG.  Reid and Mahomes had 5 minutes to play with, and they expertly moved the ball so as to burn up all the clock – but in doing so, settled for a FG try that was too long to be safe – and missed from 52.  We went to OT, where they won the toss but surprisingly had to punt.  But Houston would only take one or two plays, before a QB fumble killed the game dead.  At least the Chefs had the sense not to go immediate FG (they missed an extra point earlier, too), and McKimmon scampered in for the winning TD, 30-24.  Buffalo remains under pressure for that precious 1 seed.

No such pressure in the NFC, because the ‘Persons kept playing with fire and done got burned.  Scotchy called this a trap game, Hippo agreed.  Coked-Up Red Zone Guy agreed.  And…Dallas ran out to 14-zip and 27-10 leads.  But the foot came off the gas, and Prison Girlfriend led three straight TD drives for a 31-27 lead.  Dallas took the lead right back, then stripped the ball from PG for what looked like the dagger.  But JAX got the ball back with just over 50 seconds, and improbably got into FG range at the gun.  Riley Reid was good from 48, and we get MOAR Extra Time!  Like KC, the Jaguras won the toss and punted.  But also like KC, their defense made a play, this time an awesome tip drill pickerception, that DUUUUUVVVVAAAALLL ran all the way back.  40-34, and the pressure is off Philly (heading into Dallas next weekend).

Yinzers and Bollo del Verdad went into Charlotte, and won a butt-ugly 24-16 game, that I swear was over by 3:15.  PIT is all the way up to 6-8, and maybe they’ll squirm to 8-8-1 after all.  The world NEEDS MOAR DRAWS.

One watched Marcus Mariota play all season, and thought “Gee whilikers, Desmond Ridder can’t be worse than THAT!”  Coming off the bye, we saw Ridder’s debut.  And learned some humility.  13 of 26, 97 fucking yards – INDOORS.  YIKES.  Deceptively close final is deceptive, N’Awlins wins at home, 21-18.  So much 5-9 in the NFC South.  Both Magic Undies guys did well though, sound them trumpets, MARONI!

Four in the late window, and I thought some seemed interesting.  And the late window was a giant, leaking, wet bag of shit.  Like, Fox’s Lesser Footy coverage bad.  Well….this TAEK seemed right at halftime.

Who can resist the sweet siren’s song of Brett Rypien against Colt McCoy?  I think I deem this the Euthenasia Bowl.  Fun trivia, the Qards had never won in Denver before.  And, thanks to Trace McSorley…they STILL AIN’T.  Mighty  Donks triumph, 24-15.  We all await Blax’ dive into Qards Talq.

Tanny Fanny, he die.  With the Jaguras hot on the Tits’ heels, you could feel the flop sweat.  Clips got on the board almost immediately, and I suspected 7-zip would be The Lead Insurmountable.  As always, I was fucking wrong.  Somehow (I was thinking season oover), Tanny Fanny got unded, and tied the game at 14 late.  And the defense which had Kid Clearisil in a vice grip all day?  Let ’em off the hook.  Long scrambe drill completion sets up game-winning FG.  17-14, Clips edge closer to playoff FITBAW.  They will be one and done.

I decree an eternal curse upon the city of Cincinnati.  Sorry, Redshirt – but this epic bedshitting is just a bridge too far.  At least the shit-eaters from MRSA-land will have to face a pissed-off, 13-4 N-GCp crew in the Wild Card round.  But I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THEM AT ALL GODDAMNIT.

As Redshit foresaw, this combined with Cincy’s existing curse(s) to cancel out, like how multiplying two negatives gets you a positive number.  Down 17-zip Q2, and 17-3 at the half, the Bengals D (shout out to Wolven Sort Germaine Pratt!) went into God mode, and WKRP enjoyed a 34-zip run, countered only and sadly by a garbage time score for the 34-23 final.  Seriously, one almost has to admire the franchise’s dedication to getting MRSA Dreamboat empty calorie stats, despite being out of the game and him being 100 years old.  But it’s almost like centering an entire team around one asshole’s ginormous ego isn’t a winning formula.  WEIRD BECAUSE SUCH A LEEDER OF MEN.

Lastly, Josh McDaniels against Grumblelord.  (makes wanking motion)  Anyway, Josh has always wanted to go out of his way to show how SMRT he is.  This season, Belicheat is doing it as well.  1st and goal rush takes you inside the 1, and you decide to go PASS/timeout/PASS/timeout/FALSE START?  Maybe putting an incompetent DC in charge of the offense is a bad idea.

But even without a functional offense, The Legend of White Mac gimped his charges to a 24-17 lead, pending a final 2-minute drill.  It was 4th and 10, but somehow Vegas converted.  Then Emo Carr hit Keelan Cole for a long bomb, which for some reason was NOT overturned by VAR.  P*ts had 2 timeouts, but aren’t built for speed, so they handed off from the 50 on the last play of the game.  The back lateraled to Jakobi Meyers (poor Wolven Sort bastard) who then let out The Shart Heard ‘Round the World, heaving the ball towards his own end zone.  Chandler Jones caught it in stride, rumbled over White Mac’s Very Sad Tackle “attempt” for the winning score.  30-24, no fucking shit THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Deep.  Breath.

Sunday Night Footy – running back the Most Glorious Week 13 Commies/Gigantes Draw.  I am so very much out of neurons, but a belly full of pot roast keeps me from lying down.  I made it to NYG 17, WAS 9 before teh sleeps kicked in too heavy.  THE DRAW IS STILL IN PLAY.