[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

God DAMN. That was some good fucking playoff football last week, huh? Not the Bucs I guess, though. Brady looked like a rusted-out heap of shit. Guess whatever team signs him next is starting up that Cash for Clunkers program again.

Anyways, whadda we got here? Let’s pull back the tarp and take a look underneath.

[source]

THE REEVES OVERLAND OCTOAUTO

Model Year: 1911

Total units produced: 1

Vehicle type: four-door, eight-wheeled convertible with drop top

Engine: 40 hp, air-cooled

Drivetrain: front-wheel-drive, twin-axle steering (first front axle, second rear axle)

Transmission: “Reeves drive” – variable-speed belt and pulley with variable ratios (consider this an ancient CVT)

Gross weight: unknown, but definitely >2000 lbs.

0-60 time: lol nope

Top speed: 30 MPH

Vehicle cost: $3200

What makes this car interesting? 

Before the widespread adoption of automotive culture in the United States, road and highway maintenance was questionable, at best, in quality. Car tires were of similarly poor quality and ill-equipped to deal with the ruts and potholes that were so common in the first couple of decades of the 20th century. With many car rides a very bumpy, unpleasant experience, Indiana inventor Milton Reeves set out to provide the most comfortable and luxurious ride the American automotive industry had ever seen.

Reeves specialized in engine technology and mufflers, and had amassed some wealth designing and building engines for other industrial purposes, particularly for agricultural purposes, but saw an opportunity in the burgeoning passenger car market. He designed the OctoAuto using a 1910 Overland as the foundation for the new vehicle; a solid choice, considering the prowess of building offroad vehicles that Willys-Overland would soon become known for worldwide.

The original car, like virtually all others, had two axles and four wheels and used leaf spring suspension common in such vehicles as the original Willys Jeeps. With wheels and tires being so thin in this era, not to mention suspension being so simplistic, cars would regularly see flat tires and a very bumpy ride. To counter the problem, Reeves looked to train cars; the use of “bogies” – a hinged joint connecting to the subframe which accommodated two axles – was commonplace on railroads, and Reeves felt it to be a natural fit for the rough roads of the American hinterlands. It would also allow payloads to be spread out more evenly over multiple axles as well.

The new car, dubbed the OctoAuto, was twenty feet long and featured eight wheels on four axles; only the front axle was driven from the transmission. With such a long vehicle, Reeves rightfully realized that it probably would have some turning radius issues; he countered this by allowing for steering from the second axle from the front, as well as from the rear-most axle, both of which could be operated independently.

The OctoAuto and its younger sister, the SextoAuto, were both incredibly well-designed vehicles, but the sale cost proved to be a problem for attracting buyers in this era – $3200 is equivalent to over $100K today. Reeves brought along his car to the Indianapolis 500 to display to the public and attract potential customers – not a single buyer showed up.

While the OctoAuto and SextoAuto were failures commercially, Milton Reeves’ impact on the auto industry is still felt to this day. His engineering work on mufflers spread to every other make and model produced on this continent, and the technological innovations of independent rear steering can still be seen today on extra-long vehicles such as fire trucks and some delivery vehicles. The OctoAuto may have looked silly, but it was, at the end of the day, actually a reasonable, well-engineered product for its time period. It was mostly the appearance and cost that sunk it from being commercially viable.

What makes this car stupid?

Not nearly enough brakes on this thing. HOW YA GONNA DO SICK BURNOUTS WITHOUT GOOD BRAKES? Seriously, what a liability with only one set of drum brakes on the front axle – that’s a huge fishtailing risk in shitty weather. Also, eight wheels means your tire costs are FUCKED.

Even with the independent rear steering, twenty feet is fucking absurdly long for a regular car. Maybe it did handle okay. But parking that bad boy is gonna be an issue. All those pissy Corolla drivers whining that you’re taking up two of their parallel parking spots.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

With twenty feet of room? Oh, you fuckin’ KNOW it. Bring your special friend – and all her girls with her. That silky-smooth ride is gonna get everyone feelin’ relaxed and in the mood before you know it. Plus, hey – early automatic transmission – no need to keep a constant grip on the shifter… you can get both hands going at once on other things, if you really want…

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Well as any self-respecting car guy knows, front-wheel drive is for poors and pussies. That’s the first problem there. Swap your engine layout and drive this bad boy from the back like a REAL MAN. Secondly, we gotta talk styling. Yeah, the functionality is fine for what it is. But fuck, it’s ugly. You wanna have a land yacht that length? Close the top, give it some fins, and some nice plushy vinyl on the inside. Also, chuck a speaker or two in there and you can wheel all the drunk bitties around from Applebee’s in fucking STYLE. Now THAT’s what I call a Tuesday!

BOSS TODD out, bitches.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.