[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

You wanna know some fucking FACTS about football? Well, I’ll fuckin’ tell you: with the Showboats listed at +500 to win the USFL title, that’s a good fuckin’ buy on us. I’ll take that every day of the week, eight times out of seven. Some chuckledicks out there might say that’s illegal for me to bet on my own team, but I can also tell you this: Shoeless Joe Jackson never could’ve run as fast as anyone in some good ol’ American-made V8. Hell, he couldn’t have even as run as fast as this little bastard I’m gonna show you this week. And that’s why I can do whatever the fuck I want, and why history looks on him as a loser and a cheat. FUCK BASEBALL!

THE BOND BUG

Model Year: 1970

Total units produced: 2268

Vehicle type: Three-wheeled, two-seater microcar

Engine: Reliant inline-4, 700 cc, 29 HP

Drivetrain: front-engine, RWD

Transmission: 4-speed manual

Gross weight: 868 lbs.

0-60 time: 20.1 seconds

Top speed: 76 mph

Vehicle cost: £629 (£7,987.44 in 2023, equivalent to $9954.75)

What makes this car interesting?

If there’s one thing the British are obsessed with, it’s rules and regulations. Wanna watch TV? Better have a permit, chum. Care to dine with royalty? Better spend weeks studying up on antiquated customs and etiquette from days of yore when people couldn’t even wipe their own asses properly. In such an uptight society, it’s only fitting that opportunities to break away from social rigors might be well received by a small but dedicated portion of the population. When it comes to the British obsession with small cars, this appears to be their main outlet.

I’ve talked about small British cars very recently, having profiled the Peel Trident on this very same show. But there are so many others, from the Mini Cooper to the Hillman Imp to the notoriously unreliable Reliant Robin, all of which highlight that same underlying desire for cheap, simple and compact transportation that provides the best blend of efficiency and individual freedom and flexibility.

Now let’s take those market ideals and soak ’em in some warm shitty-tasting ale, donkeypunch a designer in the back of the head a few times, and then dunk them in the frigid waters of the North Sea and stick a pencil in their chattering hand. What you get is the design of the Bond Bug.

With just a few thousand produced between 1970-74, the Bug was considered an odd duck even in its time. Designed by Reliant in the mid-’60s, the Bug became a Bond vehicle after the small company’s acquisition by the much larger Reliant, who wanted to innovate on their Regal 3/25 design from earlier in the decade without harming their own product’s market share too much. Compared with their more traditional car-shaped design (albeit also with three wheels), the Bug’s angular body was a wildly different approach, making it one of the most unique-looking vehicles on the market. With a tiny engine, fiberglass body, and rear-wheel drive, it was small, quick off the line, and, most importantly – did not require a full driver’s license to operate, thanks to only having three wheels. With operators only needing a bike license, the Bug hoped to appeal to a budget-minded market share.

While certainly tiny, it did offer some creature comforts not present in some other microcars produced around that time – it had a flip-top entry, seating for two, and in later model years, an ashtray and mudflaps!

The Bond Bug was also the basis of Luke Skywalker’s land speeder in the original Star Wars movie, with the special effects team placing some mirrors around the wheel cowlings in order to give the impression that it was floating over top of the sand dunes.

At the end of the day, the Bug didn’t sell well due to Reliant being to reluctant to market it more aggressively. It still has a cult following to this day, however… Bug owners still regularly meet up in the UK, and Reliant even had several four-wheel versions of the Bug in the design stage well into the 1990s, with a more powerful 850 cc fuel-injected powerplant underneath the hood. Alas, these didn’t get the green light, and all we’re left with is one of the quirkiest vehicles of the early ’70s.

What makes this car stupid?

Well, the whole lack of doors thing seems pretty dangerous. I don’t think the Bug tended to tip over as much as the later Robin did, which is just as well… but just make sure you don’t stick your arm out too far when signalling. Rather than doors, the car simply came with canvas coverings, which protected you from wind and rain… if you did the snaps up properly, that is.

What really did the Bond Bug in was the price point compared to other, more practical vehicles. The original Mini Cooper was not much larger than the Bug, and was definitely slower off the line – but as it had four wheels, it handled much better in corners, and with a price point of £620 versus the ever so slightly more expensive Bug, it was also eminently more practical, even with additional licensing taken into consideration. It’s hard to pick the kids up from school after getting a load of groceries in a Bug… but if they’re the small, malnourished spawn of a Yorkshire coal miner in the Thatcher premiership, the kids and the food miiiiiight just be able to all squeeze into the back of the Mini.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

We’re once again presented with the classic two seats conundrum. A MODERN AMERICAN ALPHA MALE LIKE ME might have a fuckin’ problem here, but at least the doors pop off and the top flips up. You’ve got a little breathing room there. To really fix this and to be the parent of the goddamn century, give this car to your kid. SEVENTH GRADE JIMMY IS GONNA BE SLAYIN’ MIDDLE SCHOOL TANG FROM HERE TO SINGAPORE – at least until he hits that growth spurt, I guess. Way more stylish than some Wal-Mart Huffy bike.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Listen, this thing is running a proper 48-volt automotive electrical system. You already know what that means. RIP OUT THE PASSENGER SEAT AND PUT IN A FUCKIN’ SUBWOOFER, YOU FUCKING PUSSYRUMBLERS! Plus, that should give you a little extra counterweight so you can put your whole dick into sending this little sonofabitch into a nice twisty corner.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.