[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

Just over two weeks out from the start of the USFL season and nobody still has a fucking clue what’s going on. Who the hell’s gonna start at QB for the Showboats? Literally none of the guys I have on the roster right now have ever thrown a touchdown at the pro level in any league. Absolute assclownery. Thank fuck we got a five-year NFL vet at RB in Alex Collins. Just gotta pound the rock all day, every day. If he goes down with injury, we’re absolutely fucked.

That said, I really hope he stays healthy. But if not, gotta check the USFL rulebook to see if I can get my backups on field in one of these things…

THE PEEL TRIDENT

Model Year: 1966

Total units produced: 86 (original run)

Vehicle type: Three-wheel, two-seater fibreglass flip-top microcar

Engine: DKW 1-cylinder, two-stroke, 49 cc, 4.2 hp

Drivetrain: RWD, single rear wheel

Transmission: 3-speed manual

Gross weight: 330 lbs.

0-60 time: Entirely fictional

Top speed: 28 mph

Vehicle cost: £190 (in 1964 – equivalent to £1,973.81 or $2,431.63 today)

What makes this car interesting?

When automotive enthusiasts think of the Isle of Man, the world-famous motorcycle race, a staple since 1907, is probably the first thing that comes to mind. How fitting that an island famous for its small-engine racing took that further and gave us some of the wildest tiny cars ever invented.

Peel Engineering, also based on the Isle of Man, was in business from 1940 to 1974. They got their start with fiberglass boat design, but eventually made their way into the automotive world in the early 1960s. Before the Trident, they launched another wacky microcar, the P50, which was a similar unibody fiberglass construction – a one-door, single-seater design with a side engine mount and no reverse gear- that got their foot in the door as an automotive manufacturer (and a Guinness World Record as the smallest production car ever manufactured). The P50, although very famous nowadays thanks to an episode of Top Gear, was just a little bit too impractical, and Peel returned with a new design, the Trident, in 1965.

The Trident wasn’t much bigger than the P50, but it was certainly more practical, having added a second seat (or a detachable shopping basket, if you prefer!) and a reverse gear to its transmission. At 83 miles per gallon, it was also unbelievably economical on fuel, even by modern standards. With a lightweight fiberglass body and highly unique Perspex bubble top, it was also one of the most unique vehicle designs of the 1960s – not to mention one of the most cost-effective. Its extremely low price made it an appealing option for customers, not to mention the fact that its tiny size only required drivers to hold a motorcycle driver’s license and not a full automobile license, giving an additional discount on insurance rates too.

Peel went out of business in 1974, but was resurrected in 2010 thanks to a few keen investors on the British Dragon’s Den, and a few one-off modern replicas have since been built of both the P50 and the Trident, including some with gas engines and automatic transmissions (with a proper reverse gear this time!) and some that are full electric as well. With a price tag now of around $16K USD per vehicle, that’s a significant jump over the original… but demand is apparently nonstop. Figures that the British are relentlessly nostalgic for a more prosperous era!

What makes this car stupid?

No windows and no A/C… Maybe that works in the gloomy shithole that is the British Isles, but not here in our SMOKIN’ HOT UNITED STATES OF MOTHER FUCKIN’ AMERICA! SWEATIER THAN JERRY JONES’ WHORES AT SUNDAY MASS UP UNDER THAT SHIT.

Also, 28 miles a fuckin’ hour? Jesus Christ. That’s embarrassing. Five years from now they’re gonna have NFL linemen that can run faster than that.

Fucking Jetson-ass bitch. Try cramming Fridge Perry’s ass into this shit. You’d have to sell it with a matching goddamn shoehorn. It’s a car for Victorian orphans. God, I hate the fucking Brits.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

The first guy who figures it out is getting a goddamn Nobel Prize for physics, I can tell you that much. Don’t care what they say, two seats ain’t two seats.

Actually, maybe Kellen Winslow can figure it out. Although maybe we shouldn’t really let him try in a museum piece.

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Gotta start with swapping the motor. 50 ccs ain’t shit. You gotta feel the thing rattling you to your soul in the driver’s seat. Stick a Kawasaki Ninja power plant in there and you’ll see some fuckin’ magic take place. Better yet, STICK A FUCKING ROCKET ENGINE IN IT.

Also, the bubble top is fucking dumb. If you wanna live a cartoon lifestyle, go be like all those acne-scarred thirtysomething pathetic dipshits who move to Japan and embarrass themselves in front of random women on the street before committing seppuku from the shame over their lack of social skills. Or, if that sucks ass to you (and it goddamn should), get out your fucking Sawzall and chop that shit right the fuck off and turn this shit into the convertible it was always meant to be. Feel the wind in your hair and balls rumbling over the blacktop. That’s the fuckin’ American dream right there.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.