[A 1985 Camaro IROC-Z squeals its tires, bursting onscreen to the sounds of Judas Priest’s “Breakin’ The Law”.]

BOSS TODD IS FUCKIN’ BACK, BITCHES!

WE ALMOST HAD THOSE FUCKIN’ ASSHOLES LAST WEEK. God, I fucking hate all of Philly’s guts. Every last one of ’em. God DAMN, I am gonna rip Brady White’s head off for not getting that final pass off. D gets five sacks and those motherfuckers can’t do a goddamn thing to help out their teammates. Son of a BITCH. I am gonna borrow a car this week to go bury Brady’s head in some godforsaken patch of desert somewhere. Can’t believe we have nine more games of this fucking shitdickery.

THE GLENFROME FACET

Model Year: 1983

Total units produced: 8

Vehicle type: Targa-top, 2-door, 4-wheel drive SUV

Engine: Rover V8, 3.5 L, 114 hp

Drivetrain: Selectable 4WD

Transmission: 5-speed manual

Gross weight: est. 3799 lbs. (original Land Rover Defender 110)

0-60 time: possible, but exact times are unclear

Top speed: 81 mph

Vehicle cost: £55,000 (in 1983 – equivalent to $66,462 then or $205,118 in 2023)

What makes this car interesting?

The original Land Rover earned its stripes for being one of the most capable (if notoriously unreliable) offroad vehicles of all time. British Leyland made quite the splash when the first one rolled off the lines in the late 1940s, and with their ruggedness and simplicity, it’s no wonder they quickly gained international renown. Indeed, many custom builders used Rovers as donor cars for their projects – and Bristol-based Glenfrome was right out at the forefront of this zaniness. Besides Rovers, they also did Jags, Rolls-Royces, and Mercedes, but their work on the Facet – a custom design based on a Land Rover Defender 110 – is what gets them a mention on the show this week.

The Glenfrome Facet is – well – unique, in a word. The bodywork is all custom, but the internals remain largely unchanged. With wild, angular lines, it’s a far cry from the boxy feel of almost every Land Rover produced before the new millennium. It still has the same five-speed and V8 of all the top-end models of the ’80s and ’90s, but the creature comforts of the cabin are notably stepped up. There’s air conditioning – a nice addition when off-roading! – as well as a walnut dash and leather seats – perhaps not so good for off-roading on those hot days. The targa top can also be raised and lowered through an electric hydropneumatic attachment – a nifty little design.

So who wanted to buy these? Saudi royalty, it turns out. I guess this tracks with their long-running obsession with Euro luxury models – although today, it certainly feels like Ferraris, Lambos, Bugattis and G-Wagens are a much more common sight on the streets of blood and oil money cities across the Middle East.

If you had the coin and wanted something special – well, you were definitely getting it. There were supposedly only 8 of these built between 1983 and 1987 – and some are still on the road today, including here in the US. Other Glenfrome models are still out there, too – this wasn’t even as upscale as they got. More elaborate Rover builds – including some with six-wheel drive, fridges, and TVs were also manufactured in the ’80s – but those are even more difficult to find today.

What makes this car stupid?

THIS IS FUCKIN’ UGLIER THAN AN ARENA LEAGUE CHEERLEADER. Good fuck, we’ve said for years and years that money can’t buy taste, and this is exhibit 302496 of how that’s true yet again. Why the fuck are you reducing cabin room on a giant-ass ride like this thing? Completely counterintuitive. People who buy Rovers are fucking gluttons for punishment, which probably explains why I seem to so many driving around Cleveland. Why in the fuck do you want an even more fucked-up Rover – with a lot more potential failure points added? The UK should be razed to the ground.

It looks like it was designed by one of those assholes who decides to bring children’s drawings to life for internet clout.

CAN YOU GET PUSSY IN THIS CAR? 

If you’re a Saudi royal driving around in this thing, you can whatever the fuck you want. Money – and morals – are no object whatsoever. God knows it’s got the suspension to handle whatever you want to get up to inside it…

How can BOSS TODD fix this thing? 

Well, it’s British, so it’s irredeemable right off the bat. But at least it’s a targa top. You have to permanently cruise with the roof down to at least try and salvage some of the vibes. So we’ll rip the electricals out and keep the wind tickling our nuts forever. Only other thing I can think of to do is to rip the back seats out and replace ’em with a big cooler. Remember – can’t get in trouble for breaking driving laws when you ain’t even on the road in the first place. Shit, maybe those rich oil assholes have a point about ripping around in these fuckin’ things. At least you can run over your underachieving players to send a message and not have to worry about getting an alignment done every time you do it.

BOSS TODD out, bitches. See you in hell.

[The Camaro burns out again, with “Breakin’ The Law” blaring once more.]

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.