Hey, it’s 11:34 pm and while pouring the last beer of the weekend I realized that I’d forgotten the mock draft. I didn’t feel too bad, since I spent literally hours putting together the mock draft for Thursday’s night’s open thread and live-blog of the NFL Draft extravaganza, doing so much research that I will almost certainly get 2 of 31 picks correct.
Seriously, the whole thing’s going to fall apart after Arizona trades down to one of the five teams desperate to get ahead of the Colts and take either Richardson or Levis. It’s gonna be ugly. Also I didn’t realize that the Lions had lost all of their WRs, so I have to rethink their move at 6 and…
Ah fuck it, it’s not like I’m not just guessing anyway, and this has nothing to do with the Monday Morning Mock Draft, other than the all-important Boosting Of The Word Count.
So I don’t really have any ideas for today, (I do, but too closely related to the drummers we did last week), so I had to reach into those saved Slack messages from frequent contributors RTD and Scotchy for this week’s topic. This week we’re sort of going with Scotchy, who had a good idea that I’m narrowing down, mostly so I can use his other examples as individual drafts later on.
Cuts down on the thinking I have to do, you see.
This week we’re drafting directors. Stage or screen, big or small on the latter. If this person ever yelled ‘Cut’ during the filming or staging of a movie, TV show, or play, they’re eligible. Also opera I guess, but if I’m being honest I’ll be taking your word for it on those.
Also, with a nod to our featured image, and who I’m now going to make commissioner, the director can be fictional.
With the first pick Scotchnaut takes the Coen brothers off the board, which is an objectively solid #1 pick.
With the second pick I’m going to pull a Jerry Jones and ignore a couple of very obvious picks and reach for a personal favorite, Kenneth Branagh. I just really like everything that guy’s had a hand in, and you can just go ahead and make Emma Thompson jokes now, you ignorant cretins.
The rest of you are on the clock.
Not paywalled, and Josh’s takes on the media are the best in the business:
https://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/tucker-carlson-out-at-fox-news
You and I see very much eye to eye in this regard.
John Singleton
/shakes head in digust at all y’all White Devils
Chaka Luther King.
“I film this shit, I yell cut and then I get the fuck outta here back to my trailer, because I got more white girls in there than the first lifeboat of the Titanic, and they all want a part in my movie, and I got just the part for ’em!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDnCoiYKmtw
Vons is selling packets of ramen for $0.03 each. Like, I can’t *not* at least buy a few, right?
How the fuck? ??
i assume that most secondary school is now done, or very close to it, so trying to get rid of the stock to not have it expire
Last pick: Taika Waititi
Free agent signing: Woody Allen (a.k.a. Greg “The Kraken” Hardy)
Great pick.
Yes! Shouldn’t the next season of Our Flag Means Death be coming out soon? I may have the name wrong!
Pick 1: Hayao Miyazaki.
Need a comedy director, so with my second pick, Adam McKay.
I hear he makes a hell of a Caucasian.
Don Lemon is out at CNN, too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z6MJIjCJ20
“By the time they found Hannity in the meat truck, he was frozen so stiff they had to thaw him out for three days before they could do an autopsy”
No one picked Russ Meyer???
I’d have disallowed anyone who did until you got here.
So twitter rumor is that Carlson wasn’t fired as part of the settlement, but because of what he’d been saying about Fox management.
Not sure I believe that.
Ok sure. Either way
Sam Peckinpah. Everything you want in a director: Drunk, surly, and irrationally violent.
Triple L is waiting to pounce on anyone who takes Michael Bay so I’m throwing a curve ball, (followed by a smoke bomb), and taking…
Ed Wood!
(Yes, I know that’s Johnny Depp. I liked the picture better. Sue me.)
Very cunning.
John Carpenter For The Thing and They Live alone.
Certainly not his ‘Monsters of Mars’ or whatever the fuck that was.
Director of Human Resources, Fox News Corp.
Good hustle with the employee separation process.
I wonder how hard they had to deliberate about getting rid of an employee that (not singlehandedly, but definitely driving the bus) cost the company almost a billion dollars.
(my prediction/fantasy)
Carlson: “If you don’t do things the way I want, maybe I should just quit!”
Fox News: “Okay. Resignation accepted.”
Carlson: “Now wait. I didn’t literally mean-“
Admin: “Profile tcalrson is no longer valid.”
/discontinuity
I wonder if this was part of the Dominion settlement
Tucker is just going back to nature.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHFz5z_YYgU&pp=ygUSZGFuY2VzIHdpdGggc211cmZz
If he moves back to Hartford, well,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZOywn1qArI
I was thinking the same thing, and would strongly guess “yes.”
Technically not a director of stage and/or screen, but given his or her work today I am absolutely going to allow it and declare this the pick of the draft.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YaaZZN9VYs&pp=ygUdc2VpbmZlbGQgbGVhdmUgb24gYSBoaWdoIG5vdGU%3D
Akira Kurosawa.
Jim Jarmusch. The aggregate cast alone is incredible. Plus John Lurie.
Ivan Reitman
Canadian and made so many of the Comedies of my youth.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Reitman#Film
https://youtu.be/T3wcxHiorJ4
For my third, and final, pick, I’ll go to the small screen. I take Vince Gilligan.
High school me watched all of the X-Files, and the last few seasons of Breaking Bad were amazing (it started off well, but it was superb later in the run).
For John #3, I’ll take John Landis. Worth it for Animal House and Blues Brothers alone, (even though he apparently consorted with a known pedophile)
“You say that like it’s a bad thing”
-Woody Allen
“I know, right? What a hateful shamer. Disgraceful, the things some people say…”
-Bryan Singer
/Roman Polanski has entered the chat.
William Wyler. Won the 1942 Academy Award for Mrs. Miniver. Directed Memphis Belle: Story of a Flying Fortress. Went partially deaf filming in air combat. Went on to direct Roman Holiday, Ben Hur, etc. Fucking American hero.
Real 1st pick: Sergio Leone
Andy Sidaris, baby!
Well I’ll be damned…
https://www.rawstory.com/tucker-carlson-fox-news-2659901669/
Was just about to post the same. Not sure if this warrants popping the champagne at 8:48 a.m. best coast time, but it’s very, very tempting.
I have the weirdest boner right now.
3. Need an action guy, so I’ll go with Michael Mann.
*eagerly waiting to pounce when someone picks Michael Bay*
eagerly waiting
to pouncefor the explosions when someone picks Michael Bay/FIFY
“Just don’t mess with my lens flare!”
-JJ Abrams
Can never have enough flair
-Stan
/office space joke
John Ford.
Wes Anderson. Pretty and morose is a o k.
John Hughes.
Crazy that Gary Watanabe, who played Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles, and also was in the children’s animated movie Mulan, didn’t also go by the name Long Duk Dong in Mulan.
Bit of a shame, that… I mean, it was RIGHT THERE.
No more yanky my wanky. The Donger is TIRED!
I mean, THAT’S GREAT THIRD ROUND VALUE!!!
I’ll pick that guy.
Goddammit.
Jayanth Jambulingam Chandrasekhar of Super Troopers and BeefFest fame. Has also done comedy series work ( Community and Goldbergs)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Chandrasekhar
Broken Lizard’s new one, Quasi, is good fun. I think. I was kinda high.
Villeneuve’s still available? Yoink.
With my 2nd pick, I am taking Jack Horner, of Boogie Nights (this isn’t the same as PTA).
Getting way too meta in here for me, but I have to allow it.
Sorry, he’s a fave.
No need to apologize, it’s an excellent pick.
“On video [sigh]”
Hitchcock.
John Huston
Jonathan Frakes. He’s one of the best Star Trek-actors turned director, did the best Star Trek movie and made the next one almost tolerable.
2. Edgar Wright.
RIKKI GETS HIS COMEDY GUY!
Director Nick Fury is my first selection.
Kathryn Bigelow because a) this is turning into a sausage party, b) it’ll kill James Cameron that she went before he did, and c) because The Hurt Locker is fantastic.
Fun Fact: “The Hurt Locker” is what the Miami medical staff calls the cabinet with all the “back pain” medicines.
And what the Chargers’ doctor calls the cabinet with the needles *Tyrod Taylor winces*
pick 2nd – Stanley Kubrick, solely for Full Metal Jacket (best direction I have ever seen)
Did your mother not hug you enough as a child?
I would’ve picked him solely for Dr. Strangelove.
“According to James Earl Jones, Kubrick tricked Scott into playing the role of Gen. Turgidson far more ridiculously than Scott was comfortable doing. Kubrick talked Scott into doing over-the-top “practice” takes, which Kubrick told Scott would never be used, as a way to warm up for the “real” takes. Kubrick used these takes in the final film, causing Scott to swear never to work with Kubrick again.[31]“
Quintan Tarantino
Oh yeah
Legitimately stunned that Scorsese is still available this late in the first round. Time to re-watch THAH DEPAAAHTED sometime this week.
Shouldn’t this be two picks?
I actually debated this, but their best work, imo, has always been as a team so I allowed them to be drafted as a pair.
Mel Brooks. I have other three picks in mind.
1. Paul Thomas Anderson
Solid. I think my fave is “Phantom Thread”, then Blood, then Boogie Nights. That’s how hard it is to not wince at Mark Wahlberg.
P.T. Anderson can make any actor look Oscar-worthy. He did it with Mark Wahlberg, he did it with Adam Sandler, and he did it with Tom Cruise.
I’m taking Corky St. Clair, featured in Waiting For Guffman.
God, that was a perfect film.
My one and only pick, Tinto Brass
Gonna guess he’s on the right.
The one and only
Balls has the coffee table edition of this.
Steven Spielberg. I assume he’s a package deal with John Williams
Txiki Begiristain, Director of Football, City of Men
Kinky!
For my first round pick, I’m going with the fictional Terry Twillstein, creator, director, and producer of “FUZZ: The Musical” featuring Ronnie Dobbs:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lghiOjPxm_4&pp=ygUYbXIgc2hvdyBmdXp6IHRoZSBtdXNpY2Fs
y’all is brutalizin’ me…