Editor’s Note: Hello, and welcome to the latest edition of the DFO Guest Lecture Series!  We’ve had the privilege of welcoming folks like Mike Brown and Eli Manning to the podium, and we’re thrilled to welcome this week’s guest and his very strong opinions about matters that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

May the Fourth be with you!

Hi folks, I’m Hunter Renfrow, and on behalf of the Soscatee High School Audio-Visual Club, I’d like to wish everyone a happy May 4th, which is of course the day when we celebrate the various Star Wars films, television programs, animated series, and extended universe of novels and other short stories.

One of the things that has always bugged me, and I think today is the perfect day to address it, is how the combat death of Lieutenant Jek Porkins has become a joke these days.  Check this out:

[presses a button on a remote he is holding]

[nothing happens]

[crouches down to look at cable setup]

Oh, goddamnit Spud, you set this up all wrong…[under his breath]…eff-ing freshmen…

[plugs in coax cable]

[stands back up]

[presses remote button]

[guffaws]

Okay, I’m not going to stand here and try to tell you that that’s not funny.  But you know who else thinks this is funny? People like Dedra Meero.  And I can guarantee you that she would be laughing about it unironically. And of course you’re going to say “Well, Hunter, she’s not a cartoon villain; her actions are motivated by ambition rather than pure malice, and that’s one of the things that makes Andor so great, is that the characters are nuanced and more human and relatable and believable as a result…”

Hang on a second.  I’m seeing a lot of confused faces out there, have you guys not watched Andor yet? Oh my God!  It’s so good!  It’s the best Star Wars production since Rogue One!  We always complain that there’s not enough good sci-fi out there, and when something this good finally shows up, you haven’t even seen it? Come on! And you know what? It’s actually even better than Rogue One!  In Rogue One you didn’t really understand the motivation of characters like Chirrut Îmwe and Baze Malbus, they just kind of joined the quest like it was some kind of Cancun party bus and ended up getting killed as a result of their troubles, but Andor actually takes time – plenty of time – showing you what it’s like living under a repressive government like the Empire, and how the various injustices and abuses you witness and experience accumulate over time until they explode into the kind of actions that become more than just chaotic riots and turn into an actual rebellion. 

What was I talking about? Oh, right, Lieutenant Porkins.

In the Star Wars movies, how many people out there actually died for the rebellion?  I’m talking about characters with names.  Han Solo didn’t, I mean I guess you could make an argument that he did, but I wouldn’t agree, the Rebellion was basically over by that point, he was just trying to…oh, nuts, was that a spoiler? You know what, it’s been eight years since The Force Awakens was released; you shouldn’t be attending the talk if you haven’t at least seen Episodes I through IX. Luke Skywalker didn’t…well, I guess he kind of did.  Yoda didn’t.  Even Vader didn’t die for the rebellion, he was just trying to save his son.  You know who did die for the rebellion? The Rogue Squadron. Vice-Admiral Amilyn Holdo.  Dak Ralter. And lest we forget, Lieutenant Jek Tono Porkins.

I know, I know, Porkins is an easy target because he’s got an aptonym – that’s where the person’s name describes a defining characteristic of the person.  Some of my colleagues in the NFL have names like that – Mike Quick, Bryan Anger, Darius Slay, Whitney Mercilus – you get the idea.  And so I get where the memes come from.  But given the tragedy of Porkins’ end – he died because he refused to abandon the fellow pilot he was providing cover for – we shouldn’t be making jokes about whether or not he could squeeze into the cockpit of an X-Wing fighter, or how he got distracted by a big moon  – that’s no moon! – made out of chili-cheese fries.  We should be celebrating his sacrifice, and honoring his memory.

[raises a can of Mountain Dew]

So here’s to you, Porkins!  Happy May Fourth.  One way out!