I wish that were a joke, but no, that was from the Facebook page (Update: Or from Chris Rose’s Twitter). First of all, it was filmed in October, so… I guess that should preclude the May-ness. Second:

Anyways, let’s fucking do this. To the first half of the first round of fights! Namely, the right half of this here bracket.

(3) Witch Doctor vs. (30) Jackpot
Witch Doctor: 3-1 (W, KO 1:15 vs. Ribbot; W, JD 2-1 vs. Fusion; W, KO 1:35 vs. Gruff; L, JD 3-0 vs. Minotaur)
Jackpot: 2-2 (L, KO 0:55 vs. Skorpios; L, KO 2:49 vs. Rotator; W, JD 3-0 vs. Ribbot; W, JD 3-0 vs. Captain Shrederator)
The 3-seed curse has claimed many a robot… not named Bite Force. With the exception of the three-time champ, which won two of its Giant Nuts from the 3-position (WC 1 and 3), no 3-seed has made it past the round of 16. The only other 3-seed to win a fight has been Whiplash, last year. And it got hosed in every other conceivable way. The first 3-seed to fall in this way? You can guess the answer, Witch Doctor, in an insta-classic:

So it would be in good interest to avoid not doing that again, this time against Jackpot, which struggled in its first two fights immensely, but recovered against Ribbot and Shrederator to sneak in. The Vegas vert is meant to counter the current meta thanks to the reach advantage, but Witch Doctor’s one of the top standard verts around, so big fish to fry.

Jackpot nearly was gifted the first hit as Witch Doctor overcorrected and showed its back. Both weapons got up to speed, drawing sparks, but Witch Doctor was able to get under and rip off a fork to the lifter/srimech. Jackpot was game but kept getting spun out at the force of Witch Doctor’s weapon, and that killed the double diamond disks, as you could see a belt on the floor.

With that Witch Doctor sent Jackpot in the air where it did severals of flips, hit the ground, bounced over the screws and onto the Upper Deck for an automatic double. Jackpot self-righted but Witch Doctor was there for the corner. Jackpot got out and charged, but that took some damage. Witch Doctor countered and big flew off Jackpot as it was airborne from the force, I don’t even know what. Somehow, this only killed one side, so Witch Doctor came in to continue the demolition, warping the whole side of Jackpot’s frame thanks to the screws acting as a stopping point for a push, and a warped frame like that’ll end your night.

Witch Doctor wins by KO and is moving on, escaping the 3-seed curse it started… for now.

(15) Lucky vs. (18) HyperShock
Lucky: 3-1 (W, KO 1:12 vs. Triton; W, JD 3-0 vs. Kraken; W, KO 1:15 vs. Shreddit Bro; L, KO 0:39 vs. Cobalt)
HyperShock: 2-2 (L, JD* 3-0 vs. SawBlaze; W, KO 1:48 vs. Whiplash; L, KO 2:37 vs. End Game; W, KO 1:19 vs. Claw Viper)
A solid mid-seed matchup where I believe most would go for the underdog if you go by seeding, and I’m one of them. HyperShock’s had an absolutely murderous schedule, as the lowest-ranked robot they’ve faced was Whiplash. Whiplash was 20th. That’s gotta be “highest seeded 4th-ranked bot.” Which doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme if you can’t produce. My love for this robot is well documented.

Lucky’s looked really good over the last two years. In fact, it’s their first two tourney trips. The next step? Taking the next step. It’s rare that Will Bales doesn’t have a driving advantage, but Matt Olson is definitely one of the drivers you can argue. In my opinion, he’s Lucky’s biggest weapon.

HyperShock came into this fight 12 lbs lighter, positing that it’s less hitting the ground and therefore less damage. But the first line of defense was the forks, and from the get-go, HyperShock’s forks were at least getting a draw, and with that weapon, a draw was as good as a win as HyperShock could use the weapon to also help lift the flipper.

But Lucky got a baby flip in, and that meant HyperShock skittered away to find space to self-right, using the short corner as a ramp. Which I’m sure safety loved. But HyperShock, back upright, started grinding away at Lucky’s flipper, which now looked jammed open. Which is considered “not good.” It meant HyperShock had to worry a lot less, and could come in with hits to the front and side, while Lucky basically had to tank it and hope the spinner would break.

It had been so far, no good, but a reversal meant that HyperShock was at least cornered. But HyperShock could peel away and reset and continue to grind away at the front and the flipper. It culminated in a big shot by HyperShock driving Lucky into the wall and flipped over, then eventually onto the Upper Deck. Lucky got out but took another shot sending it into a flat spin, and another fair couple of hits in the dying ticks were the exclamation point.

HyperShock wins by unanimous decision and wins a tournament fight for the first time since… The Rakening.

(14) Lock-Jaw vs (19) Bloodsport
Lock-Jaw: 3-1 (W, JD 3-0 vs. Malice; L, KO 2:36 vs. SawBlaze; W, KO 0:52 vs. Glitch; W, KO 2:59 vs. MadCatter)
Bloodsport: 2-2 (L, KO 0:35 vs. Copperhead, W, KO 2:02 vs. Gigabyte; W, KO 1:47 vs. Rotator; L, JD 3-0 vs. Beta)
I gotta say, this is a rough match-up for Bloodsport. Three things in life are certain, death, taxes, and Donald Hutson attaching a plow against a horizontal. One of the most brilliant fights I’ve ever seen was Diesector vs. Final Destiny, and that was the apex of anti-horizontal ingenuity.

And as expected that’s what the vet would lead with, a new, nicer looking triangular plow. And it worked like a charm, tanking the hits. Bloodsport was doing all right and had dented a wheel and torn up that right side tires… until it caught fire.

Yeah, that’s not good. Lock-Jaw came on the attack and took off what I think was a wheel from Bloodsport. But whatever was burning stopped burning and Bloodsport spun back up. Lock-Jaw stayed frontwards, and came into attack, and Bloodsport lopped a wheel off. So Lock-Jaw was on about 2 1/2 tires and came back plow first.

Bloodsport hit the plow and landed on its back. The question was going to be whether they could self-right, as they had been having problems with it all year. The answer? Nope. Fight over.

Lock-Jaw wins by KO and they will fight Witch Doctor next.

(2) Riptide vs. (31) Shatter!
Riptide: 4-0 (W, KO 0:47 vs. Glitch; W, KO 1:01 vs. MadCatter; W, KO 1:09 vs. Captain Shrederator; W, KO 1:01 vs. Black Dragon)
Shatter!: 1-3 (L, KO 2:00 vs. HUGE; L, JD 3-0 vs. Beta; L, JD 3-0 vs. Horizon; W, JD 3-0 vs. Ominous)
Okay, I’ll be honest. As much as I love Shatter!, and I’ve met Adam, if you told me that you had to pick one 1-3 Bots FC robot to be the 31st seed… I would’ve taken Emulsifier. Shatter! grabbed the front off little brother for this fight, since Riptide’s a whole lot better than the bot that upset Shatter! in the first round last year. Oh, and also this…

So what happened was that after final weigh-in, Riptide was caught working on the bot. Now, removal of minor parts is allowed, and there is some fluctuation with the scale, but for a team that has crossed into Charlie Murphy’s definition of habitual line-stepping, this is an issue. Shatter! had every right to ask for a re-weigh, but Riptide should have done it without that ask. There’s been a rumor that someone was using dry ice to cool ESCs inside the robot, which is illegal, but these have so far been unconfirmed, and I don’t know if that would be two pounds worth of solid carbon dioxide. Yes, the rest of the field does not like Riptide, and they’d be first guess in part because of shit like this.

The Riptide team said that they were duct-taping a hammer onto Riptide for the pre-fight stuff, but that would be a thing you probably should do and/or let someone know before weigh-in, and at this stage in the game, nobody’s gonna let you have the 10 lbs. of weight allowance for decorations. It’s not paranoia, no matter what one may say.

Anyway, fight’s above, Riptide wins by KO. Adam Wrigley, after all that bullshit, says fuck yo’ “mugging for the camera” handshake, and let’s just say there’s reasons why Adam is the de facto union rep for the builders. Not that there’s a union, but you know what I mean.

Riptide gets to fight HyperShock, and if everyone and their mom wasn’t already rooting for Will “The Yellow Dart” Bales, they are now.

And hey, that right there’ll get you 5 to 10 extra credit points easy.

(11) Claw Viper vs. (22) MadCatter
Claw Viper: 3-1 (W, KO 2:46 vs. Ominous; W, JD 3-0 vs. Ribbot; W, JD 3-0 vs. Overhaul; L, KO 1:19 vs. HyperShock)
MadCatter: 2-2 (W, KO 1:57 vs. Whiplash; L, KO 1:01 vs. Riptide; W, JD 3-0 vs. Big Dill; L, KO 2:59 vs. Lock-Jaw)
Claw Viper wins Most Improved, just marking that now. They’ve gone from uncontrollable sometimes-alternate to top 16 seed, and that’s gotta get something. They’re the upper seed in this one against MadCatter, which has been a tourney stalwart at this point, even if it’s looking for a long run. They’re 1-1 against tournament bots, with the win over Ribbot, but a KO loss with HyperShock.

MadCatter’s had a pretty solid schedule, and that win over Whiplash has definitely looked better as the season has progressed, though Whiplash has actually gotten their stuff sorted out.

Claw Viper came in and rushed by everyone’s favorite minibot, Gassy Cat, and tried to get a grip on the full MadCatter, sideways to spin up for the rush. Claw Viper couldn’t get it and retreated, eventually getting a corner of Claw Viper, though there was a slight overbalance, so rather than suplex, it was just a shunt and pin maneuver. And as they pinned, there was a brief time where the two bots got stuck. Rather than stop and separate, MadCatter eventually freed themselves. But Claw Viper could keep the pressure on and get the flip, and we actually got to see MadCatter use the lifting arm for once, though struggling to do so, with Claw Viper keeping tabs.

The fight turned as Claw Viper got the upper part of their weapon in the slot. And MadCatter ripped it off. MadCatter could now go to work and damage the plow and flip Claw Viper over. The grabber can self-right, but not with its claw missing to this state. MadCatter could go in for it, but its weapon was also dead, and the lifter probably wasn’t doing great either, so they pushed and pinned until time ran out.

It was a split decision, and I assume one that was appealed… and MadCatter wins by split decision. I’m not sure, though this is admittedly a WW bit. Regardless, MadCatter gets to fight the winner of our next fight.

(6) HUGE vs. (27) Skorpios
HUGE: 4-0 (W, KO 2:00 vs. Shatter!; W, JD 3-0 vs. Blip; W, KO 0:44 vs. Fusion; W, JD 3-0 vs. Starchild)
Skorpios: 2-2 (W, KO 0:55 vs. Jackpot; W, KO 1:26 vs. Big Dill; L, KO 0:49 vs. SawBlaze; L, KO 2:15 vs. Ribbot)
This seems like a potential worst-case for both bots. Skorpios could potentially hit HUGE’s body, so they had the Tegris wheels and armored up. Skorpios’s arm could get totally splayed by HUGE. Also Skorpios should not have dropped this much, but the OverKill blade was a non-factor, so that basically eliminates that fight. Meanwhile, HUGE finally works as intended, after being on the verge of retirement. The biggest improvement? Spin-up time.

HUGE started off hitting the side of Skorpios. Good for Skorpios, except there was now a giant gash where the wheel was and it did later-told other damage. Skorpios stayed under, trying to prevent more spin-ups, and took out both stabilizers on HUGE’s axles. No one’s done that before and this was apparently HUGE’s most expensive fight as a result because titanium’s expensive, yo. It means HUGE would now be vulnerable to getting stuck on its side.

HUGE came back after spinning up and clipped the right tire, and we can say bad things happened to Skorpios. Or Zach can say it, because you can see the carnage yourself. But yeah, shit was on fire, the chain got ripped out, somehow, the wheels were obliterated, and yeah, HUGE wins by KO and gets their chance to be anti-meta against MadCatter. And if they were to skin the cat, the winner of Witch Doctor–Lock-Jaw in the quarters. Semifinalist HUGE? It’s a distinct possibility, and at that point, there’s a non-zero chance that for the first time since Son of Whyachi you have a heavyweight champion that’s not off the Pacific Ocean. Okay, the Florida Bot Mafia and RioBotz would also suffice.

(10) Copperhead vs. (23) Rotator
Copperhead: 3-1 (W, KO 0:35 vs. Bloodsport; W, JD* 3-0 vs. Triton; W, KO 1:26 vs. Kraken; L, KO 0:44 vs. Ripperoni)
Rotator: 2-2 (L, KO 1:24 vs. Hydra; W, KO 2:49 vs. Jackpot; L, KO 1:47 vs. Bloodsport; W, KO 1:53 vs. Fusion)
Cuddles the snake may be gone, but Copperhead remains a tank and a half. That hasn’t changes in Caustic Creations’ second drum go-around. It takes on another well-known tank in Rotator. The fun question will be whether Rotator’s blessing happens again, as the last two seasons it’s lost to the eventual champion (End Game and Tantrum). Who fight next, incidentally.

Rotator came in forks up, and Copperhead responded by splitting one of those forks and getting under to work on Rotator. It did some damage but also gave Rotator a chance to spin up and go for its patented sideswipe attack. Victor Soto tried for it, but missed, which led Copperhead to spin back up. The two went weapon-to-weapon, and didn’t do any damage other than knocking off decals.

Rotator won the exchange and hit into the wheel on Copperhead, and even though those Brazilian wheels are absolute tanks, it’s still a chunk of damage, and Copperhead was having some mobility issues. The drum could still gyro around, though it flipped itself over. Rotator tried to capitalize, but instead caught a shot from the drum and damaged a wheel guard.

Rotator was able to get around, but the blade was too high and not hitting the back end of Copperhead but angling off. Instead, it turned into the drum which finished off the wheel guard and fed it into the weapon, all but disabling it. I don’t know how that works in terms of debris jamming up a weapon and how it affects damage, but it’s gotta be a bit. Copperhead later flipped Rotator over but it was still jammed in there and Rotator was basically poking away with its good fork.

This one went to the judges, and though it was fairly even… Copperhead wins by unanimous decision and gets the winner of the last fight on the docket.

(7) End Game vs. (26) Tantrum
End Game: 3-1 (W, JD 3-0 vs. Blip; L, KO 1:37 vs. Ripperoni; W, KO 2:37 vs. HyperShock; W, KO 0:43 vs. Gigabyte)
Tantrum: 1-3 (L, KO 1:20 vs. Minotaur; W, KO 1:57 vs. Hydra; L, JD 3-0 vs. Blip; L, KO 0:59 vs. Whiplash)
Fancy seeing you here, again. For the third time in three years these two bots fight, though not in a semifinal for once. End Game is 2-0, winning in the Season 5 semis and Champions I Golden Bolt semis. This is your marquee matchup of the round, or as Chris Rose put it, “There are four teams from the modern era with banners in the rafters, and half of them are in the arena right now.” And I’d add, the other half are Sirs Not-Appearing-In-This-Season (though Ray Billings did show up to be part of Malice’s team starting now). You want forks? Oh, we got forks. But not like, eighty million of them, just dueling long forks, as the two bots tentatively came out. End Game had the piano key wedgelets.

End Game’s forks looked lower, but Tantrum’s could play enough defense to not get hit in the opening clash as it was a whole lot of jostling. Tantrum drew first sparks as it drove End Game back and punched, but it was a whole lot of grinding. But they were pushing and nearly had a split-second golden opportunity as End Game turned tail and showed its back, but Jack Barker turned around in time. But Tantrum kept the push, even if this had been more of a fork fight than a weapons fight. Tantrum was under, but the long forks kept it enough at bay.

Tantrum was winning the ground game, as it was End Game getting jostled around, but this was more chess than drama. Wedge on wedge can be fun, but this was still tactical. Tantrum couldn’t quite get its weapon in position when End Game came back down and that could have really been a tide-turner. But seconds later they were able to get under and take off some of the piano keys with a boxlong rush. But it was seconds later as they rebounded from it that End Game got the reversal, getting around the forks and nearly flipping Tantrum over. Tantrum recovered and pinned, showing the control edge, but a punch would have been nice with End Game against the wall, but the disk didn’t seem up to it, as it looked like it had crapped out. That would be huge in the damage department at this point, as they had no choice but to back off at the end of the pin.

Now End Game was feeling it, and getting the better of the exchanges, ripping off one of the forks, then flipping Tantrum around. Fortunately it could self-right, but the second half of the fight was shaping up to be all End Game, sending Tantrum tumbling, then, after some clashing, ripping off the other fork. Now Tantrum was in trouble. No weapon, no forks? Might be no hope for the champ, as it tried to stay alive and see how to control and even find a way to break the weapon. Flat spins off it would not be the way, and now Tantrum was losing face. Quite literally, as the left plow (and eye) was sent flying, and the right side was tenuously hanging on. But Tantrum hung in there and actually pushed back with a last-second pin. It wasn’t going to be enough though.

End Game wins by unanimous decision, the champ is out, and… depending on what Champions II is, we may have seen the last of Tantrum. There’s rumors that Aren and Seems Reasonable are going to move to a version of The Twerps, their NHRL dual-bot beetleweight. And they’re not going to have three heavyweights if there are only 50 competing. So we’ll see.

And we’ll see about the left half of the bracket next week. This is already late so see you then!