Hi everyone,

I’m the ghost of a once-regular #contentmine supplier ’round these parts, Beerguyrob.

I’ve got to say – having to do my real job at my real job sure has cut into my posting ability. I quite enjoyed having a half-hour here & there to research some history or type up a post. But I knew things would get in the way of that joy when I had to add some extra duties to my portfolio. But, I helped negotiate a Collective Agreement that avoided a strike, and not a week goes by where I don’t have to assist some colleague out of a jam they were put, or got themselves, into.

What I’ve mostly learned is that a union is necessary in most workplaces because of the sheer size of the organization, and how that size can lead people to committing mistakes based on little more than keystroke errors. For example – near the end of the school year, on one paycheque I was logged into the system by Payroll at a position I haven’t held since the turn of the millennium. But because that salary was lower than the one I earn now, Payroll had to override the pay for that wrong position in order to pay me correctly at my current position. Furthermore, because I was categorized in the wrong role, it meant that I came up short for a full pensionable workyear, meaning I would have had to pick up additional work to cover the shortage. That one initial wrong keystroke resulted in a month’s worth of emails & conversations.

So believe me when I tell you that I’ve CLEARLY had enough of all this, and it’s why I’m taking time out from my pre-Labour Day workload to sit down & attempt to study some football.

With that in mind, and in the spirit of Deadspin & G/O Media, I thought I’d take a whirl at asking some AI to help me write a Falcons 2023 season preview. Given that I’ve reluctantly become [DFO]’s expert on them, it fits in with my current general reluctance about everything. So here we go.

I figured I’d start with the current king – ChatGPT.

The task I gave it was simple – “write an Atlanta Falcons 2023 season preview”. What I got was voluminous but unsatisfying:

Atlanta Falcons 2023 Season Preview

The Atlanta Falcons enter the 2023 NFL season with renewed optimism and a sense of potential. After undergoing some significant changes in coaching staff and roster, the team is eager to make a mark in the highly competitive NFC South division. Here’s a preview of what Falcons fans can expect in the upcoming season:

Coaching Staff Changes:
The Falcons made a bold move in the offseason by hiring a new head coach, injecting fresh energy and a new strategic approach to the team. The coaching staff is focused on developing young talent, improving team chemistry, and implementing an innovative game plan that maximizes the strengths of key players.

Offensive Outlook:
Offensively, the Falcons are expected to feature an explosive passing attack led by their star quarterback. A revamped offensive line aims to provide better protection, allowing the quarterback to exploit downfield passing options. The receiving corps, featuring a mix of veteran playmakers and emerging talents, promises to keep opposing defenses on their toes.

The running game is also a point of emphasis. The Falcons aim to establish a more balanced offensive approach, utilizing a mix of power runs and quick screens to keep the defense guessing. A dynamic backfield duo is expected to share the workload, providing versatility and unpredictability to the offense.

Defensive Focus:
On the defensive side, the Falcons have invested in bolstering their secondary and pass rush. The goal is to create more turnovers and pressure on opposing quarterbacks. The defensive line has been upgraded with both experienced veterans and promising young players, creating depth and versatility in the rotation.

The linebacking corps, known for its speed and athleticism, is expected to play a key role in stopping the run and covering tight ends and running backs in passing situations. The secondary, featuring a mix of lockdown corners and ball-hawking safeties, is poised to challenge opposing quarterbacks and limit big plays.

Key Players to Watch:

• Quarterback: The success of the Falcons’ offense largely hinges on the performance of their star quarterback, who possesses the arm talent and football IQ to lead the team to victory.
• Wide Receivers: A dynamic group of wideouts, featuring both seasoned veterans and emerging stars, will be crucial in stretching the field and creating mismatches.
• Running Backs: The dual-threat capabilities of the running backs provide a strong foundation for the offense, allowing for both ground and air production.
• Defensive Playmakers: Watch for standout performances from the defensive line, linebackers, and secondary as they work together to disrupt opposing offenses.

Schedule Outlook:
The Falcons’ schedule features a mix of challenging divisional matchups and intriguing non-conference games. Key clashes against division rivals will have a significant impact on their playoff aspirations, and how they fare against strong opponents from other divisions will provide a measuring stick for their progress.

Conclusion:
The Atlanta Falcons’ 2023 season presents a fresh start, with a new coaching staff, revamped roster, and a determined mindset. With an emphasis on offensive balance, defensive playmaking, and team cohesion, the Falcons are aiming to surprise skeptics and emerge as contenders in a highly competitive NFC South. As the season unfolds, fans can look forward to witnessing the team’s growth, resilience, and potential for success on the gridiron.

Like a I said – a lot (or “alot”, if you are one of my frustrating students) of words, but nothing of real substance. Saying inane banalities like in the first paragraph – “the team is eager to make a mark in the highly competitive NFC South division” – makes the program seem desperate to be loved. Look at the generic positional references; not one actual player mentioned. Why any kid would trust this to write them an essay is beyond me. I would still have to do a lot of work to fill in actual names to make it look like I wrote the damned thing. It’s not saving me any time at all (or “atoll” if, again, you’re {or “your”} one of my students who writes like they text). Shit like this is why schools are going back to pen & paper tests in class!

So then I tried BingChat – same question; same idea.

The results were far smaller, somewhat specific, but less helpful:

The Atlanta Falcons are entering the 2023 season with a lot of changes and uncertainty. They have a new head coach in Eric Bieniemy, who was hired after Arthur Smith left for the Jaguars job. They also have a new starting quarterback in Desmond Ridder, a third-round pick from the 2022 draft who beat out Matt Ryan in training camp. Ridder will lead a run-first offense that features Bijan Robinson, the eighth overall pick in the 2023 draft and one of the best running backs in college football history. The Falcons hope that Robinson can revitalize their rushing attack, which ranked last in the NFL in 2022 with just 77.9 yards per game.

The Falcons also made some moves on defense, signing veteran cornerback Tre Flowers from the Seahawks and drafting linebacker Nik Bonitto from Oklahoma in the second round. Flowers is expected to compete with Fabian Moreau for a starting spot opposite A.J. Terrell, while Bonitto will add some pass-rushing ability to a unit that had only 29 sacks last season.

The Falcons face a tough schedule in 2023, with games against the Buccaneers, Saints, Panthers, Cowboys, Packers, Rams, Seahawks and Ravens. They also have to deal with the uncertainty of playing in a new stadium, as they will move from Mercedes-Benz Stadium to State Farm Stadium in mid-October. The Falcons have not made the playoffs since 2017 and have posted four consecutive losing seasons. They are hoping that their new coach, quarterback and running back can change their fortunes and make them contenders again.

The Falcons’ Super Bowl odds are currently +8000, which means they are considered long shots to win the title. Their win total prediction is set at 6.5, which means they are expected to improve slightly from their 5-12 record in 2022

One advantage it did have was it provided footnotes.

One major disadvantage is, well, those sites appear to be full of shit. Take the first paragraph, which I’ve screenshotted as proof:

So, according to Bing via betnow.eu, Eric Bieniemy is the Falcons head coach? This Eric Bieniemy?

Someone better tell Ron Rivera.

I guess it scrapes paragraphs, not image sites. Moving on.

Finally, I asked Twitter.

Of course, being Twitter X, I had to ask a far-simpler question: “Falcons Preview”, and all I got was this tweet,

How times have changed pic.twitter.com/gCxUkZ4kZC

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) November 7, 2022

and a link to this passage from the Nationalist Observer, dated December 14, 1933, about stadium construction which, frankly, sounds like a lot of modern billionaire owner demands for state funds to build them their own Olympiastadion and how they plan to honour that commitment:

Today I have granted my final approval for the commencement and
completion of the structures on the stadium grounds. With this, Germany is being
given a sports arena the likes of which are to be found nowhere in the world. The
fact that the completion of the planned large-scale construction works is creating
many thousands of man-days is something which fills me with particular joy.

However, buildings alone are not sufficient to guarantee that German
sports are accorded a position in the international competitions which corresponds
to the world prestige of our nation. Much more significant is the unified,
committed will of the nation to choose the best competitors out of all Germany’s
Gaue and to train and steel them so that we may pass the forthcoming competition
with honors.

A no less important task is the sustained and lasting attention to physical
exercise in the entire German Volk as one of the most important cultural assets of
the National Socialist State. We will make of this a permanent basis for the spirit
of the New Germany in the physical strength of its Volk.

The Reichssportführer is solely responsible to myself and the competent
Reich Minister of the Interior for the successful accomplishment of these two
tasks. I ask all organizations, official bodies, et cetera to grant him every possible
support and encouragement.

^{(The Berlin Olympics, 2016)}

Thanks Elon!

At this point I said to myself, “Why continue down the path of ending up on an FBI Watch List, when I could simply write my own?” So, after having done more work than I intended to do, here’s what to expect from the Atlanta Falcons this season:

They are starting Desmond Ridder at QB, he of the four starts at the end of last season. He’s no Matt Ryan, but since Matt Ryan is no Matt Ryan anymore, I guess he’ll have to do. At least, what he lacks in game-testing he more than makes up for in catchphrases:

As for receivers, it’s a real “Major League” of targets for the young man to throw at.

The most known guy they have is Scott Miller, whom Brady tried to turn into an Edelman down in Tampa Bay.

The defence is getting a lot of press because they beat up the Dolphins scrubs in the first preseason game, and because their position coach sounds like a fucking lunatic,

which sounds par for the course given that the head coach is one visit by Ginger Lynn away from completing his transition into John Holmes.

All told, it sounds like they have a solid chance to go 6-11, or even 7-10 if a couple of breaks go their way. Given the awfulness that is the NFC South, and after reading the other NFC South previews, there’s a real ‘snake eating its own tail’ stench coming from south of the Mason-Dixon line this season. That will put them either first or last when the final Sunday comes ’round and the league has to make them play the marquee evening matchup, and I can’t wait to hear Cris Collinsworth choke on that.