Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 3, 2023 Season

DonT sent the banner pic earlier this week.  You can’t read the caption because it’s that kind of timeline – but it sagely reads: When you’re dead inside and sick of life but at least there are cats.

As you may have noticed, despite a very good overall performance from the much-shat-upon Charmslinger…the Donks fell just short in South Florida.  Denver 20, Miami…goddamned motherfucking SEVENTY???

Forgive me if I don’t recall the last time this happened in the NFL.  It was seven years before my old ass was born (Redacteds scoring 72 against the Vertically Enhanced Persons).  FIFTY point loss.  This, despite a cheeky 4th and 1 attempt on the LOLfins’ own 34 – which Denver stuffed, and turned into…the square root of fuckall, going backwards on the ensuing possession and also Mike McDaniel calling off the dogs just 3 points and SEVEN YARDS short of all-time NFL records.

It was small mercy, yet somehow still MOAR than Denver deserved.  Fatty McGoo Payton is a clownfraud, and cost this shittastic roster a 1st round pick.  You have to imagine Pat Surtain II will now be on the trading block, which likely turns this into an all-time horrid defensive season.

Payton wants to start that Stidham replacement-level QB anyway, perhaps he will at Chi**** next week.  THAT’S RIGHT, the NFL schedule matches up the two shittiest performers of Week 3, and the most dysfunctional overall organizations BY FAR…in Week 4.  At least it’s not desecrating Mile High Stadium, I guess?

Those wacky Bearistocrats!?  Well, they trailed the TayTay Chefs just 34-nil at the half, before winning the garbage time battle to lose by a mere 31.  Entering Q4, embattled tailback-masquerading-under-center Strawberry Fields had 42 yards passing.  Just…wow.  Yeah, he is coached up TOO MUCH.

Kansas City has its mojo back, though Mahomes dinged his ankle again.  He came back out for one TD drive after the half, but likely just to quell any incipient panic.  The Flow…looked like you’d expect.  Even against the Bears.  41-10 was your final.

Red Rocket gamely kept the visiting Black Panthers hanging around, but couldn’t get a win against Petey’s Truthers.  37-27, a really boring contest in spite of all the points scored.

You’d think that made the sad 3-game late window a complete wash, but NO!  Some way, somehow, Black Powder (maybe now a The Legend of? per LemonJello – try that out in your mind) savaged the Cowpersons.  It made no sense, but there was no Giants-like comeback this week.  Red zone pickerception preserved a well-earned 28-16 win.  Dallas always seems to fall in the trap of believing its own bullshit when it gets on a heater.  Or maybe the Qards aren’t as horrifying as they seem?

Back to that early slate.  Surely Lamar!’s flannel would triumph over those North Florida transplanted jorts?  At home, in slippery pitch conditions?  NOPE.  Big Gay kicker made Big Gay kick after Big Gay kick, and Justin Tucker actually came up SHORT from 61 at the end of regulation.  Fat Humps eventually win in OT, 22-19.  Tailback for the Ratbirds is basically Spinal Tap drummer, as the Gus Bus took a head owie to become the latest casualty.  Aside from my Survivor Pool entry, that is.  Christ on a bike.

We did at least clear our cache of some fraudsters, starting with the Commies.  All the slurping over Rebecca Malone (a Truth Biscuit clone if ever there could be one), and (s)he tosses FOUR pickerceptions at home.  Yeah, Buffalo has a solid defense.  But that’s just wretched, and the 37-3 scoreline was a fair reflection of how the action played out.

Next up for Bills Mafia is a home date with Miami…which somehow isn’t even in the 4:25 window (which is just 3 games again Week 4).  Good Christ, why wouldn’t you feature the two best teams in the NFL, meeting head to head?  MOAR P*ts and Jest until our eyes bleed.

Speaking of…New England won in the Meadowlands, 15-10.  MILF-hunter Z pieced together one real drive.  The rest of the game, they could have pulled a rando out of the stands to play QB.  They couldn’t possibly do any worse.  With the ball under 4:00, down 3 – Wilson takes a safety.  The defense somehow holds, and even gets the ball back in great field position, needing only 55 yards to get the winning TD.  Wilson would come up just 54 yards short, that ONE FUCKING YARD coming on a checkdown.  On 4th and 10.

Fraud alert 2.0 – the Desmond Ridder Falcons.  Drawing a sort-of-real opponent in Detroit, they continued playing solid defense.  20 points for Baby Buster at home is a pretty weak showing.  But that’ll do when the vistors are limited to just two FGs.  Both squadrons are now 2-1, but only one has any near-term prospects.

Green Bay seemed poised to complete the trifecta, but N’Awlins forgot to play the 4th quarter.  Which it turns out….is kind of important.  Yes, Emo Carr was out with a shoulder injury – but it’s not liken Crab Legs has never played a game.  Yet they barely even existed on offense, and despite the defense stopping Love on an early 4th down in the red zone – the next 3 drives went FG, TD+2, TD to win, 18-17.  Yep, they did the analytics thing when down 8, and it worked optimally.  Forced to try, Rapey Jameis got the ball into FG range – but they missed.  18-17, it would end.  Packers are 2-1, but on their way to 7-10 (one suspects).

I was ready to crown the Saints’ asses as the plausible new challengers to Santa Clara…but fuck, man.  I just don’t know now.  We’ll see how bad that shoulder is.  I should have checked Rotowire before writing this, but FUCK OFF, I didn’t.

We weren’t done with surprises, though.  One of the less-told stories of the first two weeks was CJ Stroud looking (mostly) like a real boy (albeit for an imaginary franchise).  They just could never quite get over the hump and win, or even seriously threaten to do so.  That switch flipped in Duuuuuvvvvaaaallll, and flipped hard.  500s jumped out to an early 17-zip lead and kept a working margin pretty much the whole way.  37-17, a very impressive road victory.  Leaving…Indy in 1st place???

Yep, since #ThePauls bad touched the Tits into submission, 27-3.  Tennessee avoided the clean shot solely by a turnover – enabling them to start the drive on Believeland’s 17.  They went back 7 yards and kicked that lone FG, never really threatening again.  If my fantasy scoring site is to be believed, they finished with less than 100 net yards of offense.  Myles Garrett is having an MVP-calibre season.  That is, if anyone but Hippo was remotely willing to vote for a defensive player for such honours.

Feels like I missed a game, and OH THERE IT IS – Clippers at Vikings.  Failure Piles in a Sadness Bowl, the “Dreams Like This Must Die” showdown.  These teams both imploded to 0-2 starts, both showing an uncanny ability to come up as small as humanly possible at nut-cutting time.  And really, it happened again here.  Minny turned the ball over on downs late, down 28-24.  Back to the Clippers to fail at running the clock out, a yard short on 4th.  But lo, the former “boy genius” coach goes for it and is stuffed on 4th and 1, deep in Clips’ territory.  Which means…back to Captain Dingleberry to shit his pants, only to be bailed out by a defensive penalty and a fresh set of downs.

Given new life, and then 1st and goal on the next play…Cousins doesn’t spike the ball, freezes on getting the team set up on offense or a play called, running out almost the entire clock (seriously, by the most generous standards he pissed away 15 seconds)…and threw a loss-sealing pickerception.  Because that’s what he does – put up superficially very good stats while doing NONE of the things that win football games when crucial plays need making.  And now the Vikes are 0-3, with an old roster and no QB signed past 2023.  With Peak Justin Jefferson just dying to be weaponized.

But that’s what makes this sport so great – you see shit that amazes every week.  For good, bad, or indifferent.  It’s damned fine entertainment.

That leaves SNF, which Hippo decided to at least watch in vain hopes that the Raiders will amuse with some chucklefuckery.  Well, maybe “vain” in the sense that they couldn’t possibly detract from the schiesse show their division mates fingerpainted earlier in the day.  Some remarkably bad officiating gifted Vegas 8 points late, but it only mattered at the margins.  A very Tomlin-esque win, 23-18.  Josh McDaniels remains…his usual, inexplicable self.