Welcome to Festivus 2023. We’ve all got ample complaints, I am certain.
Happily, we do get an early bird special, and its David Moyes Vengeance – Fronk’s Hammers hosting Wakey’s Men Untied (7:30, USA). Men Untied are coming off perhaps their best effoUrt of the season, which is good. But it required putting eleven men behind the ball at Anfield, which is bad (if you give a fuck about the long-term health of the club, anyway). But the Gooners and us neutrals didn’t mind one bit!
Luton host the Bonesaws (10:00, USA), with various and sundry streaming alternatives. Robins Hood hosting the Cherries and Spurs/Toffees look the best options. yeah right and Hippo will surely React Reasonably.
Spotlight dance is the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols invading the fecund swamp known as Anfield (12:30, NBC). A point would do, but all three for the visitors? That would be the death blow humanity needs delivered the Redshite’s way.
Wolves/Chelski (8:00, USA) is all you get Sunday morning. Club World Cup bullshit, I guess. Nobody cares about the Club World Cup.
The JV circus lukewarms-up at least a little bit, as noted below.
Troy (-7) v. Duke – Random Number Generator Bowl (Birmingham, AL – Noon, ABC)
Troy has become the local repository for “oh snap, I need a new FITBAW coach and was too busy snorting coke to have a list ready” shopping. They supposedly have this TD cushion in Vegas, because Duke is in the ACC (and also has lost its quartered back to Notre Dame, and its running back to NC State).
Arkansas State (-3) v. Northern Illinois – Random Alabama Flower Bowl (Montgomery, AL – Noon, ESPN)
Do the Yellowhammer State highways have enough capacity to handle TWO exhibition fixtures at the same time? We is about to find out. Northern Illinois had that one random great season like 10-15 years ago, and Arkansas State used to be what Troy is now. But FITBAW must be played, despite the lack of any coherent narrative. AH DON’T MAKES TEH ROOLZ.
Georgia State (+1.5) v. Team Secular Big Love State – Ye Olde Potatoe Bowl (Boise, ID – 3:30, ESPN)
Sex Panthers against the “In the Ear Doesn’t Count” Aggies? Sure, what the fuck. Let’s do that thing!
James Madison (-2) v. Air Force – Do You Even Army, Bruh? Bowl (Fort Worth, TX – 3:30, ABC)
A former Commander in Chief facing down a branch of the current Armed Forces? Let there be battle! And many, many military/industrial complex advertisements. Y HASN’T DIAMOND JOE KILLED MOAR BROWN PPL ALREADY (smgdh)?
South Alabama (-17) v. Eastern Michigan – Niiiiiiice Minus One Bowl (Mobile, AL – 7:00, ESPN)
Why on earth would 6-6 Directional Alabama be so heavily favoUred over 6-6 Directional Michigan? Did each team have to walk to the venue? Inquiring minds…will have forgotten by kickoff. Ain’t nobody watching this shit.
Team Secular Big Love (-6.5) v. Northwestern – Hi I’m Mark Davis!! Bowl (Las Vegas, NV – 7:30, ABC)
Finally, a game between two teams you may have actually seen play in the regular season. OK, one team you may have actually seen against the team you made fondling jokes about in August. At the carwash, yeah!
Coastal Carolina (+9) v. San Jose State – We Found a Non-Condemned Stadium on the Island Bowl (Honolulu, HI – 10:30, ESPN)
The Chanticleers seem like a “blue meth” kind of bunch, so good on them making the Tweaker Fixture list. Better late than NEVAR! But alas, their mulleted QB is on his way to NC State and won’t play. You generally don’t want to see your backup skill player quality at a school like Coastal Carolina. Plus it’s a better body clock game for SJSU.
Presented without comment, because I have none:
My wife and I ate lunch at a Mexican seafood restaurant. I tried something new to me; shrimp soup. They bring it out, and there are six or seven big shrimp in the soup, completely uncleaned. Antennae, eyeballs, shell, the works. I wasn’t really in the mood to eat shrimp eyeballs, so I started peeling that shrimp. I get it cleaned, and it turns out it still had that nasty mud stripe in it. At that point I said fuck it and took the L for shrimp soup. Maybe it’s because I was raised by hillbilly wolves, but I don’t want to eat shrimp eyes, antennae, or mud stripe.
Maybe it’s because I was raised by hillbilly wolves
If this isn’t textbook ‘burying the lead’, I don’t know what is.
Go to a good sushi restaurant and order the prawn. Do this at the sushi bar. The chef will hold up a live prawn (about 4-6 inches long, looks like a big shrimp) and he will let you and the prawn study each other eye-to-eye for a few seconds, and then he’ll twist the prawn and tear off its tail while it’s still looking at you. Then they’ll prepare the tail (cooked then iced, shrimp never served raw) and present it for your enjoyment. When you’re finished, the rest of the prawn is presented to you. It has been dipped in tempura batter and deep fried, but is otherwise all there. The deep fried eyes are still staring into your soul.
I guess the next time I eat shrimp tempura I’m going to have to pull it apart and check for eyes.
And I remember a football player who said he wasn’t a vegetarian, but wouldn’t eat anything with eyes.
I mean, bacon doesn’t have eyes.
Adventures in Mother-In-Law-ing: An Ongoing Travesty
Me: “What are all of these small Halloween chip bags doing here? You never buy those.”
Wife: “That’s your MIL’s contribution to our Christmas dinner.”
Me: “I….You’re fucking kidding me.”
Wife: [shrugs shoulders]
Me: [checks date on one of the bags] “I’m impressed. They don’t expire for another two weeks!”
Wife: [busts out laughing]
Like the expiry date matters to Ms. Scotchy
/tis merely a suggestion IMO
I totally agree on that point but MIL has a long history of buying shit out of date on the cheap and expecting everyone to be grateful for her offering.
/Valentine’s Day-themed candies given to the grandkids at the next Christmas? She went there.
ittttttttt’s beginning to feel a lot like naptime!
You’ll need to be at your best for Cincy/Pitt!
thank fuck my best is still pretty shitty, that way I can meet expectations!
Don’t sell yourself short-I love your videos where you crush whole watermelons in your mouth they’re the best.
That’s not him, that’s Fiona bossing him around.
These meaningless Alabammy bowls are getting chippy. I guess the players are pissy about being sent to Alabama. Especially the Black guys.
“Gentlemen, you’ve scratched and clawed all season long, you’ve put your bodies on the line and you’re going to be rewarded. We’re headed to Birmingham!”
Voice from the back of the room: “Fuck you, Coach!”
Solanke with the hat trick!
Cherries climb up the goddamn ladder!
That was a pretty badass win, clawing back against a desperate “new/no manager bump” opponent. Starting to feel like one of them special seasons?
I haven’t seen a run like this in a decade. There’s something in the water alright.
Well well well, looks like the King’s African Water Pistols decided to start Jesus up front today. I like their chances!
Now a wonder save or it would be level.
Not only is he alive, but Andre Gomes…is on the score sheet?? Strange things are afoot at the Circle K…
An old familiar tale…
Still has a better chance of hitting one of the rebels than any in the movies
Holy shit, Andre Gomes is ALIVE??
Richy very classy in telling everyone to be muted with celebration. He still loves Everton.
My word! It appears as though the Greek Tony Soprano has appointed Vasco da Gama to attempt to lead the Robins Hood out of the bad neighboUrhood that they have wandered into. My question is — how is one able to differentiate a bad neighboUrhood from Nottinghamshire as a whole? That county makes Mordor look like the French Riviera!
Alternate salmon kit WOO!!! Let’s battle, Yid Army!
So much bowl action
Curvy redhead? Sign. Me. Up.
the only redhead all perverts can agree on….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaKVy-FlaUA
(Karen Gillan stars in video)
The fleeting shots are such a tease. Moar close ups! Use the zoom function mister director!
especially those midriff shots!
I’m sorry, sir, this police officer is going to have to serve you with this restraining order.
My heart is under arrest!
/sorry, ah misspelled “penis”
Though she has all of the right proportions, I could never advocate for a woman with Scottish ancestry. Untouchable!
Sir, cross Hadrian’s Wall and see what happens.
Commentators describing an appearance by Coach Andy Reid at a chili cookoff
I thought bras were measured in cups, but bowls for her do make sense.
Kudus is the best player in the world right now. Fight me.
Easy now big fella. Let’s not go saying things that will have you end up the mayor of Crazytown.
You’re right, but he’s so good they don’t even know what position he is yet.
“My favourite positions are full-time positions!”
-Trent Green, as he lines up to receive a snap behind the white picket fence on his lawn
Green throws the purple monkey to the dishwasher. Score!
It pains me that Everton couldn’t sign him the year before y’all did. He’s an absolute monster. There are two types of quasi-10s (ie, attacking mids) – those that can’t really play anywhere but the pure #10 role (like Messi) and those who are fully functional centrally, on the wing, or as a striker (Kudus).
The Kudus type is absolute FM gold.
Bahahahahaha Man U!!!
BOWEN!!!
Eric ten Hag, more liek Eric two nil amirite?!?!?
Dude! That Niiiice Bowl is hilarious!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFJRFwrQJEo&ab_channel=RyanPorter