Interior Dallas Cowboys practice facility in Frisco Texas.
Enter Offensive Coordinator Kellen Moore:
Kellen Moore: “Hey Scott! How we doing today?”
Enter Scott Tolzein QB coach
Scott Tolzein: “Hey Coach K! Everything is going good. Ready to kick some ass in practice today.”
KM: “Damn good to hear. We’re getting down to nut cutting time ain’t we? Gotta make sure our offense is fine tuned for the playoff stretch.”
ST: “I think we’re going to be playing for a few more games this year. Ol’ Dak has been having a fantastic year.”
KM: “He has had some incredible games for sure. I would really like to focus on his consistency a little more. We are officially out of time to fuck up even a single game.”
ST: “I’ve got a good feeling about this year. I really do. You know, that reminds me, I’ve been working with Dak on his communication skills and I think we may have found a little something.”
KM: “Really? You know, communication has never been his strong suit but Coach McCarthy seems to be able to work with him.”
ST: “I know but I thought we could try something for out on the field communication. You know? In case of audibles and shit.”
KM: “Well, you know Scott, that just isn’t gonna work with Dak and I’m sure you already know the reasons why.”
ST: “Actually that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you have a minute?”
KM: “Sure. What’s going on?”
ST: “Hang tight for just a sec and I’ll go get Dak.”
Tolzein exits the room. A few minutes later…
[Door Flies Open]
DAK!: ” Mmmhhgmmpphff.”
KM: “You were saying something about communication Scott?”
ST: “Hold on, hold on. Dak? Do me a favor and remove the can from your head.”
KM: “WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!! We can’t do that! All Hell broke loose last time we did that.”
ST: “You gotta trust me on this one Kellen. Alright?”
KM: “Alright but your ass is taking the fall if this shit goes wrong.”
ST: “I got you Kel. Don’t worry. Dak? Go ahead and remove your can for a minute.”
Dak slowly removes can dripping a slimy viscous gelatin all over the floor
DAK! “DAK DAK!!”
KM: shudders “Holy shit I can’t even look at that fucking thing!”
DAK! “DAK DAK!!”
KM: “What the fuck Scott? How the fuck is that going to help us?”
ST: “Hold on, hold on. Dak? I want you to try the new thing I taught you. Remember?”
DAK! “DAK DAK!!”
ST: “No, Dak. The new play call. You can do this.”
DAK! “DAK?!
KM: “Jesus Christ, what are we doing here?”
ST: “No Dak. The new thing.”
DAK! “Uhhh?”
ST: “You can do this Dak. Come on now.”
Dak pauses for a second then looks up quickly and with an ear-splitting sound…
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: covering his ears – “Jesus H Christ! The fuck was that?”
ST: “See Kel?”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “Holy shit, Scott! Make him stop!”
ST: “Don’t you see? He can talk! We can teach him audibles now!”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “Goddammit Scott! He sounds like he slammed his dick in a car door!”
ST: “Jesus, Kel! That’s oddly descriptive.”
KM: “Sorry I got rattled there.”
ST: “I mean, can someone actually do that with a car door?”
KM: “Actually there was this one time… Never fucking mind that! What good is this going to do for the team Scott?”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
ST: “He can talk! He can communicate with the line and his receivers. Don’t you see?”
“KM: “Scott! His head is made out of fucking HAM! What if he gets hit out there?”
KM covers his mouth with both hands.
“Oh Christ I just visualized it.”
ST: “Oh. Geez. I hadn’t thought of that. Sorry Kel.”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “It’s alright Scott. It’s alright, just make him fucking stop for the love of GOD!”
ST: “DAK! Dak, you gotta stop that now!”
DAK! “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
KM: “I swear I’m losing my goddamn mind!”
ST: “DAK! STOP!! STOP! Please, put your can back on your head!”
DAK! “Uhhh?”
ST: “The can Dak. Put your can back on.”
DAK!: ” Mmmhhgmmpphff.”
KM: “Oh thank Jesus.”
ST: “Sorry Kel. I was just trying to help.”
KM: “I know Scott but the thing is? Coach McCarthy can actually speak with Dak, even with his can on.”
ST: “He what now? He speaks canned ham?”
KM: “Well kind of? Hang on let me go get coach McCarthy and I’ll show you.”
Kellen Moore exits the room
/a few minutes later
[Door Flies Open]
Mike McCarthy: “Well now. How the hell you boys doing?”
KM: “Good, Coach, good. I just wanted you to help ease Scotts’ mind a bit.”
ST: “Yeah, Sorry to disturb you coach but Kel here says that you can speak with Dak even when he’s wearing his can on his head.”
MM: “Course I can! How the shit do you think I can run a team if I can’t even speak to my own damn quarterback?”
ST: “Sorry to doubt you Coach, it’s just I didn’t think anyone could speak to Dak.”
KM: “Feel like showing him Coach?”
Coach McCarthy grabs a chair
MM: “Why the hell not? Couldn’t hurt to get us all on the same page. Now, Bunny me.”
ST: “Uh, Sorry Coach, I don’t think I understood you.”
MM: “BUNNY ME!”
KM: “What are you waiting for Scott? Bunny the coach.”
Scott Tolzein looks thoroughly puzzled
KM: points to freezer chest in the coaches room “Bunny the coach, Scott!”
ST: a look of understanding passes over Tolzeins’ face – “AHHH! Gotcha!”
Tolzein walks to freezer and opens it. Grabs a carton and heads back to coach
MM: “The fuck am I supposed to eat it with? My goddamn hands? Do I LOOK like DeSantis?”
ST: “Sorry Coach. I’ll get a spoon.”
KM: holding up a 6 oz soup ladle “Try this instead of a spoon.”
ST: “Here you go Coach.”
MM: “Ah Peanut Butter Party. One of my favorites.”
Coach McCarthy rips off the lid and starts shoveling ice cream into his face at a disturbing rate while Tolzein looks away with his face going pale
KM: “Hey Dak! Come on over and grab a seat next to coach.
DAK!: ” Mmmhhgmmpphff.”
KM: “So what’s the game plan for Sunday Coach?”
MM: “Mmmrfffglubmmppher mmphilmmumph.”
DAK!: “Mmmrfffglubmmppher mmphilmmumph?”
MM: “Mmmrfffglubmmppher mmphilmmumph. Thhbbmmpp grruffle fufflemmuublble mumpmh!”
Dak starts clapping his hands in glee
KM: “See Scott?”
ST: “This entire fucking team man. Jesus Christ!”
fin
Tonight on ABC is a show called Impact X Nightline: On The Brink. My best friend’s daughter Kelly is being interviewed by Diane Sawyer about her medically necessary abortion that she was forced to travel out of state for, because Alabama wouldn’t allow it.
I fucking hate this timeline. Glad she’s (relatively) ok now.
She is very brave, going public with her story in Alabama. We are so proud of her.
Welp, that’s the second biggest nightmare fuel I’m gonna read today.
/The first is Wander Franco… what in the actual fuck.
This os soooo creepy. I loved it.
Oh, “Do I LOOK like DeSantis?” 😂🤣
Nicely done, Yeah Right!
I associate you more with food literature, but then again a canned ham is the centerpiece of the bit here.
You had me at “oddly descriptive”
Whelp, seeing as how Mike McCarthy is a sentient bag of chipped ham, it makes sense that he could speak to DAK. Kind of like Spanish and Portuguese.
[deep breath]
[remembers “be a good sport” resolution]
muy bueno 😬
We could have gone with Mexican vs Spanish, but definitely not Cuban.
I’m not sure what’s more horrifying: A gelatinous chunk of ham screaming “YAHHHHH…HERE WE GO!!!!” over and over, or the idea that the Cowboys have rehired Kellen Moore.
At least they have Tolzien, who was I guess good at handing off in college?
Pretty good author, too.
While I’ve never slammed my dick in a car door, I’ve stepped on it plenty of times.
And while I don’t hate the Cowboys their fans and shtick have gotten old with me. It’s fun to see Ole double J frustrated each year.
Dak ham chopped with sum Merican cheese slices and liberal Tabasco really doll up your Soy flavor Ramin noodles… So future Sunday Gravey idear?
Funny chit Buddy.
Perfect Friday post. Laughing my ass off with every “YAHHHHHH…HEREWEGO!!!!!!!”
Teaching a ham to speak is inherently dangerous and it’s gonna hurt the Boys come playoff time.
Now I want ice cream. And ham. Is this what you meant last week when you said Hamhead Dak gave you an idea? Cuz it was a good one!
It was. Every time he called a play must solidified the idea