Ever pee yourself?
I have, and?
I wasn’t even drunk.
There are two kinds of people in the world, First there are riders.Those who can’t wait to quench their beastly lust for steely dangerous speed and second, those who look into the sky and say, there is no way that you could force me onto the hideousness of one of those evil alloy contraptions!
ME? I’M A RIDER!
Since the first time I saw one rise out of the morning fog I knew that I was going to spend my life seeking out that particular thrill again and again. I see one, I’m going to ride it!
Sadly, body today requires Ibuprofen and Dramamine but god damn it I’m still jumping on even at my very tenderized age.
The words “Want to ride a roller coaster?” floated through the air recently.
What would you do?
A RIGHT BRAIN DINGER IT IS
Roller coasters?
Who? Me?
Why are you not afraid?
Who says I’m not?
Old? Check.
Fat? Check.
You are going to have a brain aneurysm and die!
“Oh don’t listen to those pussies”, the voices in my head sing.
There’s a machine that promises to take my heart and pride?
You know I’m jumping on and riding it all the way to the beyond of everything.
You and I, we can do this, take my hand and I’ll show you how.
Now where are my (passed right threw security with them flippers in pocket I did) edibles?
Oh there they are, let’s get to rolling shall we?
Come on, I mean who doesn’t love Boysenberries?
What are they again?
So many Boysenberry treats to be had, think the “Barforama” scene from the Stephen King story “The Body”
THIS IS GOING TO BE A WEIRD DAY!
Real old world charm, just gaze upon all the antiquity about.
RISING LIKE MEDUSA FROM THE MISTY DEPTHS
yu shur b dum.
No “GhostRider” for my fat ass, can’t handle the battering on the old rib tips.
This is how you start any fun filled day.
Come on hop in. It’s called “Silver Bullet” and it will alter your current life course, promise.
Stumbling drunkenly (without nary a drink) down stairs that lead to nowhere, feeling much different than I did when I got on.
Why are my feet hot?
Well that was, what?
Fun?
Let’s wander that way towards a varying destiny.
I will say the sky was kind with its colors throughout the day.
Showing off the mad photo skills.
Soon, Darkness, soon.
SHOT OF THE DAY?
Slowly we walk to our next torment (you can see the track in the background) machine but first perhaps a break to consume some lunch to launch.
First known shot of what would become “Plumbers Crevice”
Hey, is that a hand reaching out of that meat box?
“Darn Tootin”
Oh Come on, really?
This is where we got on the “Calico Mine Ride”
What?
I felt like some nostalgia. This ride and the “Timber Mountain Log Ride (closed, under refurb) were here when I first walked these magic sidewalks for the first time way back in 1970.
A giant stone cock to appease the savage white history
Here is where our very own, “Gumbygirl”
won the Kewpie Doll for best guess.
Father has returned from the fiery depths for the blasphemy and of course, he just loves the Boysenberry Cobbler. All Hail!
Sometimes the dRugs SpEak
That there is a damn devil baby don’t even try to deny that you see the invidious thing.
The enchantment never ends but perhaps some food before the next coaster, eat now? So exciting.
I know just what to have:
Boysenberry BBQ meatballs on a bowl of mac and cheese with a slice of cornbread and a tasty Diet Soda to wash down the future girth.
A girl has got to eat.
After all it is
OKAY, YOU’RE RIGHT, SHOT OF THE DAY
Dear Jesus we have to save her!
Can’t process some images
That (the only photo I did not take, thanks J2) there?
Why that is a french toast cheeseburger with fries and Boysenberry syrup. No, I mean it.
One word review? Astonishing!
One of the kids did not get what they wanted to eat so we had to stop at yet another stand and try some even more decadent “Boysenberry” food, this time it’s to be chicken wings, cool.
Thank God one of the nieces said I’ll need a moment before the next ride to process some of this face stuffing that just happened.
Too many Boysenberry shakes?
NEXT UP?
I told you I’m a fan and this one is an all time favorite.
That beast there? Why that’s Xcelerator of course.
Deadest of the Gods is that for real?
You can feel it vibrate through the very ground
Just don’t! It’s only your bravado, walk away, no shame bro.
FEAR IS BEAUTIFUL
As I exit must hold on to the the vibrating handrail for liquid support.
I am forced to traverse even more downward stairs as you have to go down to go up in this stunning place.
This is where time started running backwards as the THC had taken control of my giggle box and I must now hover beyond my limits.
When suddenly the foxes attacked. From all sides the varmints came just looking to steal all of the Boysenberry pies, the very radiance changed from serene to vile, the earth screeched and then groaned. I did not know how to save us, so I went completely insane instead.
This was kind of cute earlier but getting a little creepy now.
You know suddenly I need an alcoholic beverage.
THE CHOO CHOO IS BETWEEN ME AND MY BEER
Yes that is a Boysenberry lager
One word review? Shitty.
Here to ride some coasters remember?
Next up “Pony Express” Such a fun ride.
MENACING METAL PONIES AWAIT
And down the stretch
They come
Special fancy trick photography there
Made my head leak, try to avoid if you can.
The reason we traversed both history and resplendent suffering was for this adjustment.
A state of the art coaster to add to the repertoire.
The new way, It’s called “HANG TIME”
Lord she sure looks cantankerous
IT FEELS LIKE FALLING
My hands shook, my eyes wept, my life seeped from my left ear, I’m in heaven was last thought.
I DIED ONLY TO BE REBORN IN DEATH.
FEEL IT?
You can never trust the night.
AND THIS IS HOW IT HAS TO END
If you’ve been, I hope I did it justice, if you haven’t?
I hope I stimulated your fragile dreams enough to say “Hey that looks like a place that I simply must see”
Still can’t believe in less than two months I will be 64 gosh darn years old. Yet, I drank crappy IPA’s. Then ate BBQ meatballs followed (don’t forget the 40 milligram “Fireball” gummy) immediately by a world class coaster? Without a single drop of vomitus ejecting from any open source?
You explain it, clearly I’m still alive.
But how?
DJ Lard April 2024
[…] those who read my recent ravings about roller coasters (peace be unto you and those of you who did not? Then may God rot your eyes) we came across a tangy […]
.
Ugh. Anyway…
Tonight’s dinner of sand dabs and arugula salad:
Can’t forget about dessert!
I was sorta hoping for some of those, chicks in low cut tops on wild rides photos but… Nice ride DJ Taj… we wanna party with you cowboy!
It really has been a great day with the Right brothers!
I’m telling you Wilbur, we put an extra sheet of tar paper on that bottom wing and get a little more speed we can make this fucker fly!
Natural hat trick!
lol Eulers
Nevermind, scoring change so no hat trick.
Still, lol Eulers though
Here’s an actual ad I got in my Facebook feed tonight.
Forest Lawn Glendale is the Disneyland of cemeteries. Forest Lawn Hollywood Hills is the Knotts Berry Farm of cemeteries.
https://ibb.co/z5SXL6C
Facebook ads have really gone downhill since they stopped employing me
Forest Lawn Covina is the Legoland of cemeteries.
Hollywood Forever cemetery is the Universal Studio tour of cemeteries.
That’s a perfect one
Disneyland is the Arlington Cemetery of theme parks.
You have really turned a corner when they stop recommending vintage stripper pages and move into the you’re gonna die soon ones.
I dunno, staring at David’s bronze ass isn’t the worst way to spend eternity.
One of us! One of us!!
The Bruins got righteously screwed in this game, and you can make an argument that the wheels fell off after that, but you can also make an argument that if you got outshot 42-18 and your own fans are chanting “shoot the puck” at you you’ve probably not played a fantastic game.
NNNAWWWTTTT FFACCCCKKKINNNN FFFAAAAHHHHHHH
And it’s also all very, very funny.
Yes, there is that.
They would also lose in the sense that just being on a team named after Bears doesn’t mean women would pick them over actual bears for woodland encounters
I’d take my chances with Yogi.
way to go, Sex Panthers: On ICE!
Most of my teenage summers (when not at work) were spent at Carowinds. A group of us had season passes. Thunder Road was the wooden deathtrap coaster, always produced the best and most creative swears.
I am no longer allowed carnie rides, due to my PeyPey neck surgery. That’s ok, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate all the people anymore.
The problem the Bruins have besides shitty officiating, and this is probably a bigger one, is that other than Swayman they’re really playing pretty shitty hockey.
The Bruins fans are pretty disappointing: there needs to be a lot more trash on the ice right now.
Well, my understanding is that Marchand is injured.
Somehow this needs to be the banner.
These Boston-type bears apparently shit on the ice.
They’ve certainly soiled themselves on this power play.
The Bruins not getting bailed out by league officials? That’s impossible!
What is goalie interference?
That seemed pretty obvious to me.
Maybe try an inadvertent whistle? Based on my count, that has a 50/50 chance of benefiting your team.
Seems like an invitation to run the Florida keeper to me.
Seriously, that’s one of the worst non-calls I’ve ever seen.
Florida Man STANDS HIS GROUND
Oh, this is getting glorious.
NAWT FAHHH!!
Best part about this is that the guy who cross-checked the Bruin is the same guy who probably shouldn’t be playing because he sucker-punched Marchand last game.
The Circle of Irony continues.
Dunstan not utilize an available Simpsons reference? That’s unpossible!
Who do you think I am, WCS?
Also, those mojitos may be catching up to me.
Just got an email from a company that I made an order with earlier today telling me they ‘appreciate me’. Such fucking BS. What idiotic consultant told them they should send me this crap? Dear stupid company, I buy your stuff because it’s good quality and reasonably priced. I don’t need the brand to be ‘humanized’ and I don’t need validation from a corporate entity (DFO Corp excepted) and stuffing this crap in my email inbox is a huge turnoff. I know email is low overhead, but you still paid someone to write this crap, and even though tiny, there were resources expended to send the damn thing, so still dumb and I resent the fraction of a cent I’m paying extra to fund this nonsense.
Yep. Same way I feel about the constant urgings to rate and review someone’s product. Fuck off and leave me alone. Just do your damn job, and if I was happy, I’ll order again and/or recommend you to others.
I have never left a positive review when the review was requested. I have permanent (or at least chronic) survey fatigue and even one question is too many if you aren’t compensating me for my time. My only exception is rating gig workers because I understand they are under obligation to THE MAN
I’ll give you the best review ever, for 50% off my next order. I have zero shame. Bribe me, baby!
We ordered from Uber eats 5 years ago when on vacation in the UK. I still get emails about it.
I bought a bunch of mint for juleps last weekend, most of which has survived, so today has been Mojito Variant Day.
It turns out that rum, lime, sugar, and mint is a good base for pretty much anything. Add ginger liqueur? Sure. Prickly pear liqueur? Why not.
Next up is some yuzu liqueur. It is possible that I will no longer be evaluating these objectively soon.
It’s difficult to make a bad mojito. I’ve actually never experienced such a thing, although I’m sure it’s possible. I had an astoundingly good lavender mojito once in Vegas.
Oh, I know how to ruin a mojito! Add Malort. I bet that would do it and I’m feeling a bit nauseous even thinking about it.
Is Busch Gardens still a thing? That was really fun and where I rode my first proper adult roller coaster. Went up to Hersheys a time or two as well and remember that being good.
I’m teamstandandwatch as I’m usually too tall for the ride or my legs don’t fit in the car and it’s not worth the motion sickness to get beaten up by the ride
I’m Team Theme Parks Are Fun But I’m a Cheap Bastard
Knott’s is by far the cheapest theme park and it is a LOT of fun
I prefer Don Knotts Park. The Regal Beagle bar is fantastic.
Fun fact: there’s a Mr. Furley’s Bar near me. It’s not explicitly a Three’s Company bar, presumably for legal reasons, but it’s not an accident that they have cocktails with names like Rum And Knock On My Door
They missed an opportunity with Chrissie Snow’s GINormous jiggly tittaes ‘n tonic.
Well, they do have a “Dirty Chrissy.”
Personally, I prefer the Crazy Larry. Which reminds me that I used to use Larry Dallas as my avatar here, before avatars got fucked up and I was too lazy to sign up on Gravatar or whatever I’m supposed to do.
I’m looking that up right now
Fuck yeah, there’s one in Glendale!!
Haven’t been to that one. The one near me is a mixed bag. Honestly, the drinks are mediocre. On the other hand, it’s … I won’t say reasonably, but not crazily, priced, which is a plus. And it has a pool table and dartboard, which is rare in my part of LA.
You’ve got to go to Mrs. Knotts fried chicken dinner store of you go. It’s the best.
Boysenberries are awesome. As a kid I was all about blueberries, but I think these days they’re third behind blackberries and boysenberries. Raspberries a strong fourth.
Berries vary in quality so much depending on the exact variety and circumstances. The strawberries my babcia grew that I used to eat right off the plant when we went to visit every Memorial Day? The absolute best things ever. The giant, overly firm to stand up to shipping, bright red, tasteless monstrosities that they call strawberries in the supermarket over the winter? Ugh.
Agreed.
And it’s seasonality that matters more than anything. My ex was a big fan of this fancy strawberry producers that charged $14/pint, and in the middle of summer? They really were great, though not worth that much in my opinion. In March? They were worse than the ones I paid $2 for in the grocery store.
My parents had raspberry bushes in the backyard when I was growing up, and my dad used to pick wild blueberries every summer. Those were fantastic.
My mother says she used to pick wild blueberries in the PA hills as a kid in summer every year, which sound amazing. Also other wild berries. Probably a PITA to actually pick though. The best commercially available blueberries I’ve found are the in-season Michigan blueberries. In general, I’ve noticed that the in-season berries in the colder states tend to be more delicious, probably since the shorter growing season means they don’t cultivate the varieties that are intended to survive long-haul shipping. I used to get some local Illinois strawberries that were funny shaped and smaller and only available for about 3 weeks and those were great. Ditto raspberries.
Same with PA peaches. They are way better than anything grown in the south. I mortally offended a guy I worked with at the post office years ago when I said Gumby’s Grandma’s tomatoes were better than any I ever had in Georgia. He was all huffy, until I brought some back, then he slunk away like a fucking loser.
Damnn skippy!
Ok. We need to do a theme park DFOCon
Must. Go. There. I loooooooooove roller coasters! Gumby hates them, so I bully him unmercifully until he gets on, and then make fun of him brutally when he shrieks like a girlyman. It’s kind of our special thing. Thanks for the doll, Taj! You are my favorite. Don’t tell the others. Well, tell your brother, rub that shit in there, like siblings should!
I’ll go with you! Roller coasters are great. The company I interned for during college would rent out the entire Six Flags for their company picnic so there were practically no lines and all the food was free, so good!
I’m in. I love them unconditionally. Six Flags is crazy fun.
Aww shucks.
Dare I ask what a ‘sloos box’ is?
Sluice. Old timey mining equipment.
Hm, okay, but if you’ve got a decent claim that’s actually producing and don’t bother to guard your sloos box that seems like it’s on you. I’m guessing most of em don’t contain enough ore to buy a decent hoss, so I think hoss steeling is still worse.
Hoss stealing is way worse. It’s like kidnapping a kid.
Outstanding photography, DJ TAJ.
Wow too hear words like that from the eye I aspire to have behind a camera lens? Really gets the old willy floppin, thanks.
You’re welcome, grasshopper.
DJ TAJ: I just gave you some technical pointers, that’s all. You can’t teach “the eye;” you have the eye of an artist, my friend. Most of those shots are gallery worthy.
I DIED ONLY TO BE REBORN IN DEATH.
Ah, the Battle Cry of Bengals Fans. That and “I Welcome Death.” and “Damn Refs!”
Just remember, Redshirt, nobody looks good in orange.
Dude, your photographs are amazing. Specially the night ones. You captured great angles and the colours pop even when it was overcast.
I didn’t know if had a special camera or messed around with the settings or both, but those are great!
Agreed. I took my iPod, which I never used to take pictures of the eclipse and it looked like an escaped, drunken money took the pictures with a disposable camera. Yours look like it could’ve been AI generated images. Only thing better quality would’ve been paintings. Nicely done!
Dude, we need to crush some beers.
The beer ride is super fun, too bad it’s more expensive than the other rides
I can’t believe those ponies are really the fucking seats. That’s insane!
In a good way.
That looks like the best one!
No silly, you’re the best!
No passing though, totes obvious which hosses are gonna win
That’s why you hafta shove the kiddoes out of the way to get the front row!
Fuck, I need to get my ass back to Knott’s Berry Farm!!
Excellent work!!
When my father earns his wings and I am dismissed from Caretaker duties, I may have to guilt my non-imaginary friends for a road trip.
(Disclaimer: a plane or a choo-choo may be involved)