BOTTLES of BLOOD

WHAT’S WITH THE MUMMY HAND?

When bad spooky and weeping will not nourish the troubled soul, When sacrifice does nothing, then you must reach out with your mind and hands seeking a higher power. Assuagement can only come from a true comfort.  Born from desire, only a sustenance of purity and immaculateness can deliver.

Is that even a paragraph?

No silly spook in the sky will do. Only, (cue the Jimmy (RIP brother) Buffet)  A cheeseburger will avail.

Then dammit a burger it shall be.

Super proud of that tot

For those who read my recent ravings about roller coasters (peace be unto you and those of you who did not? Then may God rot your eyes) we came across a tangy new treasure that I could not wait to share with family and friends. Beefy, cheesy, sweet eggy goodness?

The world must know.

I simply must share it with my bro “Yeah Right” and of course he being the “food” guy says to me, “Why don’t you try to duplicate said delicacy and take photos?”

I says right back “Cool, maybe someday I’ll..”

“So when do you want to post your new lunacy so I can take a Sunday off?” He asks.

Wait, what just happened?

Did he just lasso me into another inappropriate food jaunt?

Why that doggone “Yeah Right” Here we go again.

Good thing the world is about to come to an end!

When I look out my window I see power lines and traffic, Carl’s Jr and homelessness.

I have no idea if there’s a recipe for this as I ate one at Knott’s Berry Farm (located in Buena Park California) “Coaster’s” cafe for the Boysenberry festival. Not sure if it’s even available for consumption on a daily basis.

So I was forced to make one up.

Don’t you worry it’s a damn tasty road to hell.

Remember the original photo?

AGAIN THANKS J2

This one? This is our adventure to partake, let’s rattle it.

I unlike my predecessor believe you know your way around a kitchen so I will dispense with most of the formalities.

Damn it all we need some meat.

Why yes that is Chuck and Brisket.

And some “gal darn” cheese

CRUMMY FOOD ALERT!

You need to make some patties. but these goobers are too big so we will have to turn them into less.

First turn me into half the meat I used to be.

Now squish the living Jesus out of them snoots.

Well now we are going to need some absurd comestibles, bread, you sully heathen.

As the photo we are trying to clone clearly shows it’s some kind of packaged square welfare white bread. So I shopped for some. Six bucks a loaf it is. Being a true cheap ass I grabbed the most inexpensive crap I could find and purchased that for later exaggeration.

Give me overnight air flow or perhaps fifteen minutes in a “warm” oven to “faux” stale the bread.

Let’s make that dirty boy custard.

Start with

2 eggs

1/2 cup WHOLE (needs the fat solids, but you knew that) milk

1/4 teaspoon “homemade” vanilla extract

Just a pinch of salt like all of life needs.

6 slices “stale” (soaks up the custard) look it really does matter skip this step if you don’t want well prepared food, your choice.

Public Service announcement

Please do not look at this for too long as it will cause a natural body function to occur.

I like it, staggers a bit but works.

Whip it, Whip it real good

Time to get naughty. Dip your sex toast into that saucy custard and give it a swish, gentle at first but then just a touch of “let it soak.”

30 seconds per side, again don’t believe (let the bread suck in the love) me. Now throw it over there on that there rack and let stand for no less than 10 minutes.

Did you hear what I just said?

Let the secretion moisten the muffin.

Cook’s note: This is where I was forced to make even more custard as the drunken bread just could not be quenched.

Added one more egg and about 1/3 cup of the milk.

Why are my beer cans always empty?

After the full, at least!  10 minutes!

We are going to cook it in butter on a medium heat skillet for three to four (depends on your pan and temperature) momentos per side.

After time goes away this happens, you’ll need to flip here.

After wasting more of our precious seconds bringing us all closer to death.

Sure is purty

Now toss them under some fat old mans ass to keep warm while you….

Now we need to cook them gore ya met burgers.

See how I punch them in the middle of their future diaper destroyer?

Wanna know why?

Since they were squished no more than 5 minutes per side should do the medium (perfect burger cooking temperature) just right.

Multi tasking

Look he put cheese on that meat as if to melt, what gives?

Holiest of all Gods are those tots?
Please Jesus let those be tots.

We got a cheese leak on aisle 2

Two patties on two toasts, dust with powdered sugar and cram in maw.

Lord of all below please tell me we are going to be dipping tots in Boysenberry syrup? Please dark lover, please tell me there’s no future.

If you’re a fan of french toast you’ll know what I mean about fluffy not soggy, chewy like an omelet but wait it’s sweet and savory too? Sticky.

Those are most certainly tots. Now you just dip it in syrup?

Feeling much too electric to speak I turn and vomit egg toast out of my nostrils.

Go on dip your tot, don’t be afraid, turn it purple.

If the concept of love were real I am certain it would avoid me. I burped and wept.

D J Larb, 05-2024

I have come to the conclusion that “Boar’s Head” products suck baby asshole. Too salty and way too many nitrates even for Silvio Dante.

The cheese we tried? Not that I’ve actually partaken but I would be willing to bet that a fresh steaming pile of wildebeest shite would sit better on the palate.

Yes salt and pepper to taste and no, I’m not going to teach you how to prepare tots.