In these Off-season Open Threads, I’ll sum up the week that was, provide you with TMI-style information, and throw some random spaghetti at the wall and see if it sticks.

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Today, I am doing quick hit previews of teams playing in the Summer of Soccer tournaments. Strap yourselves in…

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Brasil National Women’s Soccer Team (Paris Olympics)

Why should you care about them? This is Marta’s last tournament before retiring.

Is the government corrupt? Ummm, yeah.

Are the people cool? Fuck yeah!

How will they do? Well. They should be among the favourites.

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Mali Men’s Olympic Team

Why should you care about them? Nine out of ten Americans cannot tell you where Mali is on a map. Six out of ten don’t know it’s in Africa.

Is the government corrupt? Ummm, yeah.

Are the people cool? Fuck no!

How will they do? They were among the last to qualify. Exit at the Group stage.

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Albania National Team (Euro 2024)

Why should you care about them? Nine out of ten Americans think that’s where albinos come from.

Is the government corrupt? Ummm, yeah.

Are the people cool? If you’re from Kosovo!

How will they do? They are one of the few countries in Eastern Europe that were probably better off under the Soviets. They’re lucky they have a team. Exit at the Group stage.

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Panamá National Team (Copa América)

Why should you care about them? Their canal is drying up and getting competition from México.

Is the government corrupt? Ummm, yeah.

Are the people cool? If you’re a man?

How will they do? They have been improving but they’re not top tier yet. They’re in a group with the US and Uruguay. Exit at the Group stage.

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As a quick reminder, the schedule is below:

The first game is on June 14. Get psyched!

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Speaking of, your weekly Psych gif:

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Your weekly hot girl pic:

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Your weekly music video:

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I’m assuming there are sports on tonight OTHER THAN THE STANLEY CUP PLAYOFFS THE BEST TOURNAMENT IN THE WORLD, but honestly I don’t care.