Pre-Preseason & It Feels So Nice

This is what a local “Cloudy” looks like in July. Reason (1) for liking the current season. (2) is late July being the best time for work (YMMV). Everybody’s gone or taking it waaay easy at work. And calls get less frequent during the week, so jobstuffs (the really soul sucking ones) can get done quicker. Even here, traffic gets manageable and AND: unlike Europe or other “exotic” lands folks visit, there is air conditioning EVERYWHERE in Puerto Rico.

Hope you are handling well the worldwide extreme heat. And before your wiseasses make a crack about PR electrical services, let me just say, and I stake my integrity on this

[clears throat]:

you’ll be surprised about how many other places in this continent have power outages. Yeah, yeah… Din’t wanna get all Oklahoma drill on the strawmen out of the gate but whatever. Because (3) of course is

TRAINING CAMPS HAVE OPENED

The Hall of Fame Game is this Thursday and it is therefore no longer weird to talk about fantasy football in mixed company. “Mixed”, of course, being* NFL heads and folks aware of the Superb Owl commercials.

/* Change next part to “Baptists and Evangelicals” for the GOP DFO. They say you can’t ask for Dark Money back, so 😛 /

Some folks believe in Jeebus and the innate goodness of humanity. I believe the offseason dread is over. And goddammit we’re due: violence! Scoring! Red Zone Channel! Alienating loved ones even more! You think I’m kidding…

Close Inquiring Acquaintance: I think you said… There is a game tomorr—

Me: Three games. First of the three games at 1 PM, and the three games all run together until about 2 AM next morning if there is overtime in the third game. Mmm… overtime 🤤

CIA: 😡

Me: Nine months waiting for this 🤷🏻‍♂️

One thing about playing innocent or the victim: have sharp reflexes or you will get slapped. It’s common knowledge. Ok? Tch.

This is some stuff I’m looking forward to this season.

The New Kickoff Rule

Here’s the official rule, which I found as melodious and straightforward as employment retirement legislation. I’m gonna own up to my ignorance; no way I’m reading all that. Instead, imma default to the Lazy Way and will let the preseason games teach me the new kickoff rule. Unmuting the game announcers to find out about the changes might be necessary. NFL coaches are cagey self-importants. I bet teams will take the equivalent of a touchback during the preseason and save the genius tricks when it matters to steal a win. Oh ueah, ‘cause once you use that play, it’s gonna be copied from Chicago to Guangdong.

Heh, chi.

2024 AFC South,

aka Surly Duff Division in high pachyderm patois.

[Remembers “Touch of Downs” for 27,793rd time🤣😂😅☺️🙃👹].

Well, what I’m saying is this: AFC South, hAWt. First, there is the perennial hype of the London plus Shad Khan plus Trev Lawrence Cerberus of Whelm. I don’t think head coach Doug Pederson is a dummy; ‘24 is his Year 3 and 🎶It’s now or neveeer🎶 for Pederson. Who is not a dummy, I fear. Underestimate him at your peril.

But really most of all it’s all the hype vids and  a whole lotta of Anthony Richardson. And I mean a LOT. Everywhere, hype on all web feeds. LinkedIn excepted I guess, because I wouldn’t know. Why even login? 7th year with the employer you told me you hate? “Congrats! [send]”). Naah. Too Negsh for how happy I feel that the NFL is now for real almost back.

Anyway, Richardson looked like a top #Top prospect at QB for the freekin Clots in all practice videos from this year and the 47 seconds of 2023 game action. In the division, howevah, QB#1 is the Texans’ C.J. Stroud, whom most of NFL media regard as Steve Young Montana Part II.

I got zero bad things to say about Stroud, none. But I have been well acquainted with Texans franchise QBs for years, not just 2023. And let me say, from memory and not emotion: regarding records, Deshaun Watson is a scumbag.

As to Tennessee, nobody cares about the Titans. My only spoiler for the Tits preview: I’m confident on the punting game. Aleluya, toda la gloria a Gamblor.

Lots more stuff about this season drive me to a level of distraction that gets lighter and fresher with every day that the regular season comes closer. And

FINALLY,

the 2024 offseason is over (source:

). Astronomy don’t lie! Can’t wait for the games, actual or otherwise. Woo. Hoo

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Doktor Zymm

Third and last winery before back to Sydney

Unsurprised

I suppose I can become a Washington fan now that Snyder is gone. What a fucking indictment of the world that he walks away wealthier after being an aggressively malicious fuck towards the game of football for 25 years.

Unsurprised

Plus that whole “he made his fortune scamming people via robodialers” thing.

WCS

Need some Somali pirates to board his vessel.

Unsurprised

We need Houthis. Those guys don’t fuck around.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah but at least he can’t sex traffick cheerleaders anymore.

Dunstan

“Challenge accepted!”

Doktor Zymm

Cheese time!

Unsurprised

Is Mayor Ratface onscreen somewhere?

Unsurprised

Fuck. This just means I have four months to drop enough weight to equal a small boxer.

Doktor Zymm

Sounds like amputating a leg would be a shortcut

WCS

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Unsurprised

Isn’t a hacksaw perfect for cutting metal and terrible at cutting anything else efficiently?

Dunstan

I would defer to scotchy’s expertise in this area.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I forgot how much NBC’s primetime coverage sucks. Four hours of airtime and we get maybe 45 minutes of actual sports, if we’re lucky.

WCS

They’re warming up for SNF season.

Doktor Zymm

But how many heartwarming stories about people who have no chance of medaling?

Dunstan

Ok, but don’t you want to know about the backstory and struggles of each fencer and shotputter?

Unsurprised

Arrrrrr

Doktor Zymm

Two wineries in and time for lunch!

SonOfSpam

Lunch can be any time after two wineries.

Dunstan

“Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.” — Ford Prefect

WCS

Technically correct. The best kind of correct.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Two wieneries in and time for lunch!” – Coach Reid on vacation in Germany

Horatio Cornblower

THIS BADMINTON MATCH I CALL IT ME IN HIGH SCHOOL, BECAUSE THEY ARE BEATING THE HELL OUT OF THAT COCK!!!

SonOfSpam

Shouldn’t have worn shorts around the rectory.

Senor Weaselo

Reese McGuire and Kellen Winslow are interested.

Horatio Cornblower

Watching women’s badminton and giggling every time they say “shuttlecock”

Horatio Cornblower

The US has defeated Lebanon in women’s table tennis. Just lost the house on that one.

/I Thought The Generals Were Due gif goes here

Last edited 4 months ago by Horatio Cornblower
SonOfSpam

You should beiRut for the home team.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

LebAnon >> Q-Anon

Last edited 4 months ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Horatio Cornblower

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WCS

I’ve always wondered and never asked how old Don T was in that self-portrait.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m sitting in the Chili’s parking lot waiting for my pickup order and First Wave starts playing “Balloon Man” by Robin Hitchcock and I thought of this joke:

Why do all Balloon Men have a smile on their face?

Cuz they just got blown

Last edited 4 months ago by ballsofsteelandfury
WCS

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Sharkbait

Spam, I cannot touch the Pesky Pole from my seat.

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Though the front row was open after it rained for a few innings but I couldn’t convince my friend to seat hop.

Horatio Cornblower

I watched a 15 inning game from that area once and couldn’t move my neck for three days.

WCS

Because you watched 15 innings of baseball with your neck twisted, dumbass.

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Horatio Cornblower

You have to in those seats, because they’re oriented in such a way that if you don’t turn your neck to the left you have a great view of right and center fields and nothing else.

Add it to the reasons that Fenway should be burned to the ground and the earth below it sown with salt.

WCS

All you’re doing is reinforcing my points.

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Horatio Cornblower

/calls 911 182 times in the next 8 hours, saying “Is this Primanti Brothers? Yeah, I’d like to order one a them sammiches what has the French fries on it” until WCS calls a SWAT team on me.

Last edited 4 months ago by Horatio Cornblower
WCS

I was talking a buddy earlier today about working my way onto the TERT team, actually…

EDIT: “I’mma git wonna dem sammiches wit dem fries n’at onnem’.”

Last edited 4 months ago by WCS
SonOfSpam

Too-long
Erection
Response
Team

SonOfSpam

Thank you for the pole update!

Redshirt

SCHADENFREUDE! GET YOUR TRUMP FLAVORED SCHADENFREUDE HERE!

Internet erupts after Fox News poll shows Harris ahead in swing states (msn.com)

blaxabbath

Fake Polls are not news.

Man fucking couch. That is news.

Horatio Cornblower

‘yawn’

Wake me up when a couch fucks a man.

Sharkbait

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Doktor Zymm

But what about a man fucking a couch WITH a fake poll?

WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hopefully favorability ratings turn into actual voting percentages, because those Michigan numbers in particular look really good.

Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t put any stock in the polls when Trump was ahead and I’m not going to start now.

Dunstan

This could be a temporary bump caused by the change on the Dem ticket, that will evaporate after the convention. (Remember the days when each party would get like a 5% polling bump from their convention?)

But I think that at a minimum, we can safely conclude that there is no post-assassination attempt bump for Trump — or if there was, it’s already been wiped out by Biden withdrawing and/or the Couchfucker.

By the way, my understanding is that Fox News actually has a reasonably solid and unbiased polling operation.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think there is a nonzero chance that there a serious discussion going in right now within the Trump campaign about whether to assassinate JD Vance and try to pin it on ANTIFA. On a scale from “Paul Rudd relaxing on his deck with a cold beer” to “Jeffrey Epstein in his prison cell after all the surveillance cameras ‘malfunctioned'”, I’d put his “How Much Should He Fear For His Life” rating at a solid “Yevgeny Prigozhin after abandoning his coup attempt.”

Redshirt

Knowing Trump, he’ll announce another VP and insist that JD Vance never existed, and the Republican Party will have to go with it.

blaxabbath

I think they like Vance. He’s always going to lick boot without question — that’s all they need.

Anything else can be covered up by your base being a cult.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently a lot of the more “economically anxious” ones dislike the color of his wife’s skin. And he’s getting tagged with the “creepy” label by women, that one doesn’t wash off ever.

Horatio Cornblower

“that one doesn’t wash off ever.”

Much like with your furniture, you’re gonna need to get the stain guard ahead of time to make sure you can get that off.

Dunstan

“God, if you only knew how much I spend on Febreeze every month.” — Usha Vance

Doktor Zymm

I wouldn’t believe antifa. I would believe antimacassar

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What am I thinking, ANTIFA? Have the Russians do it, and then blame Ukraine.

Doktor Zymm

Showing up at the hospital with a ricin pellet in his dick might backfire tho

Senor Weaselo

Fuck it, Snoop’s gonna be the mascot for 2028.

Sharkbait

Fuck that pic looks awesome. I need another lesser Antilles trip

Last edited 4 months ago by Horatio Cornblower
Sharkbait

Pic. Not cute. My kingdom to edit posts again.

Horatio Cornblower

Hand over the kingdom.

yeah right

I’m watching Korea play SLO in team handball and I’m trying to remember when San Luis Obispo became a sovereign nation.

yeah right

You’re the best Stagger Lee.

rockingdog

Found a funny:

Doug Emhoff on the campaign trail in Wisconsin: “Mr. Trump, I know you have so much trouble pronouncing her name. Here’s the good news — after the election, you can just call her Madam President”

He gonna move from Second Gentleman to First Wife Guy

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nice! I haven’t seen such a sick burn since JD Vance went in raw on a corduroy couch.

/apologies if this was recycled, I have been making so many JD Vance jokes it’s hard to keep track.

Horatio Cornblower

You know what’s not hard to track? JD’s spoor in an Ethan Allen showroom.

Dunstan

Did you mean “spoor” or “spooge”?