Sebastian Blax: Welcome back to DFO! You’re one non corporate-owned, ad-blitzing, AI-voiced corner of your day. I’m legacy contributor, Sebastian Blax. And whatever the hell is going on that I need to be checking Gemeni covering team previews, you can imagine that I’m not happy to be called in around here. You need something to read while bored at work? Reread Serial; it’s evergreen. I’ve asked for one thing — no fires til next May. What have I got? Fucking DFO assignments to talk about….

The Arizona Cardinals.

The Arizona Cardinals? They’re still a team? Christ — I haven’t heard about them since they got that Kollege Koach and it turned out you can’t disrupt the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE INDUSTRY by charging forward with a good old fashioned, “fuck it — what if we did college football but, let me finish, we did it as the premise for an NFL franchise!” And 2024 will be the second year of the guy (Jonathon Gannon) following that dipshit (Kliff Kingsbury). Somehow, despite many Californians moving to Arizona over the last ten years, I’m still the only person who team previews the Arizona Cardinals — a team that is statistically guaranteed to fail every single season. Maybe that’s the most important takeaway from this post.

Either way, good use of my time, DTZM.

You fat fuck.

So the Cardinals (don’t act like I need to follow them — we just ran out the hockey team and I’m 100% in on pushing the remaining team owners out of here). I had to look up my own 2023 preview to figure out where we are at in their story. Turns out the Cardinals didn’t just suck at 4-13 last year, they’re embracing the tank that must come as the result of a Steve Keim hangover (also their franchise QB, Kyler Murray, spent the season recovering from an injury sustained the previous year). Because, just as we cannot discuss the crippling entitlement programs that are arguably more damaging to the nation than chicks with dicks, no one wants to hear me point out every year that the problem starts at GAY owner Mike Bidwill (and there is nothing wrong with that in 2024 so why can’t I say it?!…. Libel?! Who the hell is running this fucking two-bit blogspot-dot-tripod of a websi –)

[NOISE BEGINS BLASTING]

James “Jimmy” O’Donnell: Oh boy it’s great to be here filling in for….for whoever today. Speaking of anyone else? Did you guys see what Stephen A. Smith had to say about Baker Mayfield last Wednesday?! Boy hooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Paul “The Animal” Finch: Hot take machine, that Stephen A.. I tell you what, love him or hate him, you really got to listen to what the man says.

O’Donnell: Listening?! Doesn’t sound like something my wife is going to do for Stephen A. Smith or anybody!

Finch: Hot take, Jimmy! But I hope you’re not…sleeping on the couch tonight!

O’Donnell: Oh! The Animal goes political humor! It’s hot take! IT’S A HOT TAKE! We’re hot take! We’re Barstool?! Are we Barstool?! Can we Barstool?! OH MY GOD I AM HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE BECAUSE I HAVE REACHED THE PEAK OF MY PROFESSIONAL LIFE! OH GOD I’M GONNA CU —

[SILENCE FOR EIGHT SECONDS THEN NOISE BLASTING RETURNS]

Finch: So we’re previewing the Cardinals this segment. That good?

O’Donnell: Oh right. Uh…..uh……yeah, so Kyler Murray is back and has number-four draft pick Marvin Harrison Jr as a target. Boy, hard to not see how a healthy Kyler — who is saying all the right things, mind you — isn’t a Top 5 quarterback in this league.

Finch: Hot take. Guy definitely isn’t getting his props at the national level just because he misses time every season with injury and then doesn’t deliver on the field. So I hope this means he’s gonna have more grit. I love NFL grit! It gets me so pumped up! I LOVE NFL!

O’Donnell: Right. Right. James Connor tough rushing attack….And lots of interesting moves on the defense, you know. Paris Johnson Jr….

Finch: Just an absolute plethora of storylines to talk about with this team. What a great time of year where we all can have hope that, you know, with the Jets in flux and, uh…..fantasy points. I think the team will be in a lot of shootouts so….uh….

O’Donnell: You seeing this, outside the studio window here? Did they actually get rid of that last guy who was on this mic? I mean, I thought they said he was having cramps and we needed to take over but he looks like he’s out there with them and…and he’s fighting pretty hard with them.

Finch: Oh man! It’s a business! Next man up! We’re next man up! Are we NFLers?! ARE WE NEXT MAN UPPING????

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Blax: Oh fuck this! No one’s got time for this bullshit. The Cardinals are as dead as your pathetic LOOKAMEEEE careers! Contrarianism and “Oh I’m just thinking out loud here…” aren’t worthwhile statements. You’re not producing anything! And I’m not saying you two are necessarily bad guys but……millions die in war and no one complains. Four wins and a tie for the team; seventeen losses for the community. The Cardinals are a zombie franchise. Just like you’re all going to hope to be in about three seconds! I can’t take it anymore!!!!!!!