Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
The truth is rarely pure and never simple [in bed].
Oscar Wilde
Meh, as long as your partner is consenting, let your freaky flag fly. Also, as a older person, sleeping through the night is not something I can do much of any more, so it’s not simply just go back to sleep.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
I have an amazingly sweet setup in Chicago, it’s super annoying that I can’t properly horseback ride here. Why can’t all the pieces of my ideal life be closer together?
Doktor Zymm
Determine what you want your life to be.
Then say no to everything that is not that.
blaxabbath
Pretty much what I’m doing, but that doesn’t help with the geographical dispersal part. Teleportation is really the key, but the laws of physics remain a cruel mistress
Doktor Zymm
I’m working on that. Using TNT, I’ve got the first part down; it’s the rearranging part that’s proving elusive.
SonOfSpam
CNN’s coverage of the DNC (artist’s conception):
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
[wife is making very loud noises in the kitchen while washing cooking implements]
Me: [internal dialogue] “Should we have the fight now out in the open or wait until we’re both in bed? Decisions, decisions…”
scotchnaut
Also Scotchy’s internal dialogue: “She ruins the edge on one more knife and…”
LemonJello
Minshew Mania has rolled into Vegas! Named starting QB of That’s Rikki’s Raiders!
LemonJello
Tonight’s Girlfriend: “Oh god, what’s a Minshew? Should I cover my face?”
scotchnaut
I’ll always enjoy a sexy rexy meme.
A customer wearing a shirt to my job back in 2007 started a domino effect that led to a domino effect of me talking to you degenerates right now
Brocky
So I heard the Obama line about “obsession with crowd size” but missed the thing he did with his hands, indicating Trump is worried about his tiny cock – ONE OF US ONE OF US
SonOfSpam
Why are the dumbest jokes the best?
Brocky
I learned some gen alpha slang today. The best one is that ‘Ohio’ is now an adjective meaning something is creepy and bad. Here’s a sample gen alpha sentence: ‘The Panthers are giving skibidy Ohio’
Doktor Zymm
Ohio Senator J.D. Vance
Hey, it works!
Dunstan
I have TWO (2) count them, two Death Star Ice Cube molds.
We moved TangerineJello into her apartment for her senior year in college. Empty Nest Jellos! Two more semesters of tuition and then we start serious traveling adventures.
Can I make a Darkest Manhattan with the Monkey Shoulder?
LemonJello
Didn’t that jello want to go to grad school? MAYBE GET A CERTIFICATE?!
blaxabbath
All the Jellos were told that a Bachelors was covered, anything after that they’re on the hook to pay.
Degree Rundown:
Lime: Computer Science
Orange: Art Education
Tangerine: Technical Theater
LemonJello
DFO: “We substituted a cup of Folgers for a hero’s dose of acid. Let’s see if DJ Taj notices…”
scotchnaut
This tweet has it all:
sending this thing into an active war zone would be so fucking funny. the troop vehicle version of that time aaron rodgers ran out onto the field for the jets season opener and immediately broke his ankle and shit his pants https://t.co/471SFuBSze
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) August 17, 2024
Unsurprised
BugEyedBoo
Found a funny:
Mr. Kenobi has referred to Mos Eisley as a “wretched hive of scum and villainy.” But we sat down with some patrons at a local cantina and they painted a very different picture of life in the the struggling spaceport town and explained why they continue to support Mr. Jabba’s leadership.
rockingdog
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: Special Special Special Edition Ending
Luke: “The Emperor is dead! You’re free!”
Muggle: “But what of the Empire?”
Leia: “I’m certain it will return to the Republic.”
Muggle: “The same Republic led by corrupt Senators who neglected the poor Outer Rim in favor to the more populous and wealthy worlds?”
Luke: “But the Emperor was evil!”
Muggle: “Who favored a strong Educational system, infrastructure and housing for the poor and elderly!”
Leia: “Okay, fine! We’ll do it better this time! You can trust our judgment.”
Muggle: “Are you the two siblings who made out on the Hoth outpost?”
Luke: “We didn’t know we were siblings then!”
Leia: “I did.”
(cue Star Wars theme and End Credits)
Redshirt
I won’t give details of last night’s dream, but here is a direct quote:
“She uses shredded cheese and it’s supposed to feel amazing, and it sounds really sexy.”
No lie.
jjfozz
Someone pointed out that Trump speaking behind his bulletproof glass looks like a sad old goldfish and I can’t stop laughing.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Found an Obama size comparison meme generator
https://imgflip.com/memegenerator/545897577/Obama-size-comparison
Seems Rockingggg!
rockingdog
Mr. Ayo
If Goodell is the Ginger Hammer, is CFL Commissioner Randy Ambrosie is the Manitoba Mallet?
blaxabbath
Congrats on the wedding Maestro.
Best wishes to you and the bride.
yeah right
So I can probably make it up there for the [seahawks vs] Rams game.
While I don’t expect you to just give me your season seats, I do expect you to offer them for a price so low it’s practically giving them away.
I can bring some American beer like Coors Light so you can expand your horizons.
SonOfSpam
Don T
SonOfSpam
With end of fiscal year budget closeout season upon me I’m reminded of how much I dislike Excel.
2Pack
I got into an altercation with my mother today, and my goody-two shoes older sister said, “Mom just gave you an evil look.”
And I said, “I’m fucking 55, that look never scared me when I was 15.”
Didn’t know my mother was still in the room.
I’ll be iced out by her for a week.
jjfozz
Going to make some Nashville hot chicken tenders tonight because I haven’t tortured my gut lately.
Dunstan
August 22, 2024 8:39 pm
“Oh just fuck off”
-Dunstan’s Sentient Sphincter (possible FFL team name)
SonOfSpam
Bad news: my father took a genetic test and his ALS…is NOT genetic!
You’re gonna be stuck with me for years and years!
Redshirt
“I don’t want to spoil it, but you’re not going to believe what my dad has in store for Redshirt.”
LemonJello
Cincinnati Talk Radio
Caller: “Tonight is the final night for them to figure it out. They have everything they need to win this thing, as long as they don’t blow it like they usually do .”
Host: “Are you talking about the Bengals or the Democrats?”
Caller: “Yes.”
Redshirt
And sorry about all the calls, that sounds brutal
Doktor Zymm
Quite literally took the first call I truly can do nothing about: someone just called in a panic to ask what to do because their toilet is overflowing
As I explained to the caller, while this is an emergency, unfortunately there isn’t much the police, fire department, or EMS can do for that. Yes, that’s very crappy (mmm), but… ask yourself, “What would the cops do when they saw this?”
This reasoning actually seemed to work.
WCS
“Ma’am, (or Sir; I don’t want to assume here), I need you to calm down. Take a deep breath. Now, do you have a plunger? You don’t? Well, that’s unfortunate. I’m going to recommend you take off your shirt. In fact you’re probably just going to want to get naked for this, although a face mask is advisable. Gloves are ideal as well, but unless they go over the shoulder we’re really just kidding ourselves here.
Have you done that? OK, good. Now, have you ever seen a documentary film where a vet sticks his hand up a cow’s vagina to assist in a birth? You have? OK great, that’s gonna save us a lot of time! Now, I need you to kneel in front of the toilet and I need you to shove your hand into the drain like you’re the only thing standing between that unborn calf and its untimely demise. Now, grab onto whatever is in the drain and DO NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT IT MIGHT BE!! Slowly pull it back to the bowl, but do not take it out.
Has the water gone down? It has? Excellent.
Hang on, getting a call about an arson/rape/murder, let me just put them on hold…
OK, thank you for waiting.
Now, while the water is receding maintain your grip on the blockage, again without looking at it, until the basin is refilled. Once the basin is refilled with water..
Jesus, another shooting? Can’t anyone take matters into their own hands anymore? Hold please.
/off mic: JUST SHOOT BACK!! THIS IS PITTSBURGH; DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T HAVE A GUN OF YOUR OWN
/back on mic
Thank you again for waiting. Has the basin refilled? It has? Excellent. Now, what I need you to do is to flush again and slowly, SLOWLY, release the contents of your hand as the water recedes…
It’s working? Oh, that’s great. Really great. OK, you’re going to want a hot shower with plenty of soap, and then maybe run out and buy a plunger, because having one of those babies is gonna cut out 4-5 of these steps and be lot less messy.
You have a good night. Thank you for calling Pittsburgh 911.
Horatio Cornblower
Just to clarify, I will be voting for Harris. I am not voting for Trump. You will see me strutting around the clubhouse in St. Louis Cardinal red waiving a Terrible Towel singing Hail to the Victors than voting for Trump.
That being said…
Redshirt
You see my daddy was stupid but my mother was smart. That makes me stupid smart.
DJ TAJ
Just realized I’ll be on vacation in romantic (?) Montreal when the Lowratio league draft takes place.
Looks like I’ll be putting this on auto-draft, getting an A from Yahoo, then finishing 2-14 because Yahoo took 3 kickers and two defenses.
Horatio Cornblower
My son just called his mother because his car broke down.
Son, you live in Vermont. We live in CT. The time when calling us about things like this is long past.
Horatio Cornblower
He’d be better off calling WCS.
SonOfSpam
So we had to take one of the floofs (our youngest rabbits) to the vet as he was not acting like himself. One emergency surgery, one more year added till I can retire, and removal of a large hairball later and he is home and resting. I will now get stoned and collapse.
ArmedandHammered
Yikes, that’s a good bunny dad. Stop serving them hair for dinner.
SonOfSpam
well, he can hardly feed them hare, that would be twisted smgdh
King Hippo
Good evening degenerates, I open with the best presidential sign I’ve ever seen:
“Presidents are temporary, Wu-Tang is forever.”
Senor Weaselo
I love Jerry Jones as the shining example of the clueless, somehow successful business owner that thinks that his actions have contributed to the value of his franchise. What a dumb piece of shit.
scotchnaut
Going to an ALS fundraiser for a friend’s sister who has the disease, and making what I think is the sound decision to take off the T-shirt I’ve been wearing, since it’s from seeing Spamalot of Broadway and says “I’m Not Dead Yet” across the front.
Think I’ll go with maybe a plain tee.
Horatio Cornblower
I’m going after this, minus the scratch muffins. But the rest is well within my kitchen skills.
Bouna Dominica tutti.
2Pack
My enjoyment of the game went way up when I muted the sound
ArmedandHammered
Mrs. Cola’s 1 of 2 drafts is in a half hour. Female only league, I just got day drunk with the season champ, my best friend. My wife is happy for my efforts to unfocus her.
litre_cola
Mrs. Horatio (At the ALS fundraiser) (Comes back to table after circulating, as real estate agents do): Aw man, I ran out of business cards to hand out.
My Brother (Just Fucking Immediately): Don’t worry about it; your name’s already on both bathroom walls.
Horatio Cornblower
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
NOTE banner image from here
True to form, my mother has not spoken to me for 4 days. It’s been quite lovely.
Don’t threaten me with a good time
Monica and I really appreciate the hustle here GTD.
I missed this, this is great news and I’m happy to hear it.
Zappe Brannigan got released.