Across the pond we go, for the first 14-hour MANDATORIUM in the Clubhouse.

That means we started our FITBAW day with the sour grimace of Q-aron.  After a fairly hot start (including, but not limited to, drawing eleventy-billion DPI calls on medium-to-deep tosses to Justin Jefferson), Touch of Downs seemed to succomb to jetlag, and everybody around him added to the stupidity.  It was three quarters of pissing away the game…but the Jest would not take it.  The lead narrowed to 20-17, but tacking on a FG late made all the difference.  Q-aron dinked and dunked (4.5 YPA for the game) into FG range, but finished his flatulent day with his third pickerception to end matters.  23-17, Vikes move to 5-0 despite playing about as poorly as they could.  Perhaps the marker of a great team?  Perhaps they got lucky, and are due for a course correction.  We just have to wait and see.

After a delightful 6 minutes of Heroic RedZone Muzak, it was time to digest a six pack in the early window.  Suffice to say, nobody will bitch and moan about the lack of TDs this week.  Most bananacakes of all?  Ratbirds at WKRP, both teams desperate for the win.  Most of the day, Cincy was able to keep a working margin, riding Burrow’s arm (he’d toss 5 scores on the day).  But Burrow faltered with a late pickerception, giving Baltimore the extra possession that needed.  It was barely enough, Tucker converting from 56 to take us to Extra Time, 38-38.

I (wrongly) predicted that the Ratbirds winning the coin flip would be decisive, barring Lamar! having to poop.  In fact, it was his turn to make a game-changing, lone turnover (despite an equally Superman performance, much like Burrow),  Cincy ran up the middle three times, happy to trust its placement man from 51-ish.  But my oh my, they took a timeout and risked icing the kicker.  Instead, they iced the PUNTER, who dropped the snap.  Somehow, they still got a kick off – but it had no chance.  BAL ran the el Tractorcito spirit-killing toss sweep, getting inside the 10 to secure a winning chip shot.  41-38, and Baltimore lives on at 3-2.  Cincy is 1-4 and  picking up the tattered pieces.  Seriously, 5 TDs and 10+ YPA, but you don’t win.  Ain’t no coming back from that.

Jaguras/Humps was similar, just played out with shittier personnel and lower stakes.  A long Tank Bigsby run seemingly iced things at 34-20, with 5-ish minutes to play.  But no, Mr. Elite struck TWICE before we even hit the 2-minute warning.  TD drives of 42 and 45 seconds.  It was looking like a sad 25th for Prison Girlfriend (you do NOT want to know where the boiz of Cell Block D smuggled that cake), but the bestest gift is one of time, and he had plenty to get into long FG range.  Cam Little hits from 49, and JAX is no longer the last winless team in the NFL.

Black Panthers March on Chi**** was a dismal failure, even if expectations were modest going in.  Red Rocket’s run of cromulence hit a brick wall at speed, and Wee Bryce got a few garbage time reps.  30-7 at the half, 36-10 at the gun.  It was never competitive after Q1.  Bearistocrats go WAY away to face the London Jaguras next week, at 3-2 and looking frisky.  What a trashy fun Sunday morning showcase THAT promises to be.

Jayden Daniels actually ran into a tad of adversity, at least early.  But for a change, his Commie teammates backed him up, with Stakhavonite efforts.  Once he righted the ship (en route to an excellent 9.5 YPA, and only the one, early pickerception), it was a boat racing.  Groper Cleveland (h/t, LemonJello) had no such help nor ability, ashe took another delightful pounding.  To no effect, not even the face of BLEERGH.  Only a garbage time TD made things less than utter humiliation, 34-13.  The Five Year Plan looks way ahead of schedule in our nation’s capital, and it’s not even a hateable bunch.

Twists and turns in Yooooooouston, too.  Thanks in part to an absolute dime, long TD strike to Nico Collins (who left aferwards with a hamstring owie), the 500s built a 20-3 lead at home.  Surely, with a quarter and a half to play they were good?  No…no, they weren’t.  Brokeback didn’t have a great day passing, but led two lightning-quick TD drives, including a 4th down dart that rookie Coleman spin-moved for six.  And Q4 Stroud was pretty awful, throwing a pick (leading to a FG tying things at 20) and then a fumble, which somewhat surprisingly didn’t lead to a Bills Mafia lead.  Houston drew near to long FG range, but sputtered and punted it inside the 5, with 32 seconds to play.  HOU did retain all 3 timeouts, but make them spend all of them after safe run plays, and you are surely headed for OT.  But McDermott called – not one, not two, but THREE quick passing plays, none being even close to complete.  Now, a mediocre punt or a decent return beats you, in normal time.  500s got the latter, putting it on BUF’s 46 with 7 ticks to play.  Since they had a timeout, they could run a middle screen, which they did.  Pick up 5 yards, try a FG on the last play, which Fairbairn hit for a 23-20 win.  Bills are still 3-2, but that dumb shit could be crucial for January seeding.

Miami and New England came into the day as the two lowest-scoring teams in the NFL, and cemented their status today.  An absolute horror show masquerading as a football game, the LOLfins choked out the final 12 points, even gimping over the line via FB dive for the winning TD, 15-10.  VAR saved the lead on a “toe, not foot” overrule at the back of the end zone, and the P*ts lose.

That’s leaves us four late, and the gods rewarded us for our continued viewing loyalty.  Lots and lots of D/ST miscues and scores, some more meaningful than others.  Take Pat Surtain’s 100-yard pick six, as Minshew was driving for an early 17-3 lead.  Instead, we are at 10-10 and neither Minshew nor the rest of the team recovered.  Starting by committing back-to-back defensive penalties, nullifying a 60-yard FG miss and allowing Denver to go into half up 13-10.  Things went from bad to worse, it would be 34-10 before a garbage time octopus.  The shameful 8-game losing streak to the Raiders is ded, thank fuck.  The past 3 weeks, Denver’s winning formula has been the best offense is a great defense.

In a desert heat-ish Santa Clara, the home side spotted the Qards an early 7-zip lead.  But the predictable 23-3 run that ensued seemed to presage a typical, ho-hum Tomsulas win – whether they had to kick placements with their punter or not.  That’s why you play the games, though.  Wee Kyler strung together FG-octopus-FG, and asked enough questions to come away with a 24-23 win.  Two Purdy Mouth picks, and one killer Jordan Mason fumble were just too much to overcome.  Santa Clara is 2-3, and would look in real trouble if not for their division.

Because Seattle ALSO lost at home, despite an early, VAR-assisted 102-yard fumble return by the ‘Truthers D.  It looked very much like Eric Grey broke the plane with control of the ball, but VAR disagreed.  But rather than fold up their tent like Vegas, the Vertically Enhanced Persons instead dominated the rest of the way.  Geno looked like he just might finish a decent late comeback, but Joisey A blocked the would-be tying FG and ran it all the way back.  29-20 would be the final, and SEA drops to 3-2…but as the only .500+ team in the NFC West.  Dimebag/Ha’penny wasn’t GREAT, but he was solid – and stood in very tough and shouldered some big hits.  Worry not, he’ll turn straight back into a pumpkin.  It’s just how things roll.

I still can’t figure out the Packers.  Jordan Love had his Favre-with-a-tan moment, shitting his pants to avoid a safety – tossing a ridiculously bad pick six instead.  This enabled the injury-riddled RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! to lead 13-10 at the break.  Q3 would swing back the other way, as TE Tucker Kraft scored both long and short TDs.  LA moved the ball, but only managed one Q4 score, ultimately failing on 4th and 4 to preserve a 24-19 GB win, much to the delight of the “home” SoCal crowd.

Fucking weather delays on a MANDATORY SNF tilt?  With the Stillers hosting the Cowpersons?  That is some ripe bullshit, for sure.  I’ll stay up and watch, but fuck if I’ll have much to say.  Stupid Cowpersons convert 4th and goal from the 4, and win 20-17.  One play from being a Very Stillers Win, but no.