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Buenas noches. Legal tampering starts tomorrow, and NFL 2025 starts next Wednesday. And then there will be the schedule release, draft, rookie minicamps, training camps, and then September, now and forever, amén.
But it got rough from the Peak Nothingness between the Owl and now. I’d rather not talk about it, but yeah. I had to resort to books.
Audiobooks, really. Actual books? Man… I can’t do 5 minutes of book pages without checking my cellphone.
Anyway, I just got hooked on Penguin’s audiobook for Pantaleón y las visitadoras (“Captain Pantoja and the Special Service” in the English translation), a Peruvian novel about a prostitution military regiment created in the late 1950s for garrisons along the jungle bordering the Amazon river. The development of the special service was imposed on Capt. Pantaleón Pantoja, the squarest officer in the Peruvian military, and the story is told in a pastiche of military memoranda, private letters, radio broadcasts, statistical studies, confidential reports, sermons by a religious zealot, and matériel requisitions interspaced with episodes of straight narration and dialogue. Audiobook feature: it has different voice actors, who emote according to the text they are relating. The actors really make pleasurable lonely car rides, chorin’ and meal preps—and also renders tolerable the infrequent and technical acts of exercise.
I love the novel’s conceit: the application of single-minded martial planning, through colorless bureaucracy, to curb grunts’ horndogness in the jungle—not eradicate it, God forbid, these are manly-man soldiers! It’s a serious business, which requires a most stolid nomenclature: the regiment is composed of “visitors” who engage in “renderings” up to a maximum of 20 minutes, per military regulation after months of field tests.
I dunno; I thought you could like this novel, given the large number of veterans, engineers, lawyers, supply chain managers, military lifers, caregivers, scientists, Literature aficionados, history nerds, technical writers, and professors—perverts one and all—that visit this wee corner of the web.
tl ;dr in English, “Captain Pantoja and the Special Service”, by Mario Vargas Llosa (Nobel Lit. 2010)
Now let’s talk about pimpin’ per se.
These are a handful of Hollywood movies made in the 80s: Night Shift (“This is Chuck to remind Bill to shut up!”), Doctor Detroit (Fran Drescher 🥰), Trading Places (#Top hooker with a ❤️ of gold evah), Risky Business, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and Pretty Woman. Look at how prostitution is portrayed in those films, and compare it with Anora—a funny and devastating movie that was made uh… After decades of public um, clamoUr for political correctness…
Ok look. I don’t know about sex work. All I know is that the post title is funny and sex work is a broad topic that’s worth talking about without feeling obligated to say, over and over, “I’m against any sexual activity that involves: minors, extortion, trafficking or servitude.” Or, as a respected Yankee fan friend told me late last December, “Being involved with the METS deserves criminal prosecution and full scorn. Full scorn! Loser motherfuckers.”
That was a belabored baseball joke. Topical!
NFL MEWS
-Per the House Organ, Myles Garrett ($123 mil guaranteed), today became the highest paid NFL Non-QB. This validates everything Paul’s GM Andrew Berry said to reporters when asked about Garrett during the combine (I will NEVAR Capitalize such Indianapolis non-event). Much refreshing, this non-bullshit by Pauls brass. Je je. These news even made the sidebar at the espen deportes landing page, which features the NFL waaaaay down its drop-down menu, just under the Dutch fútbol Cup. Totally apto for the calendar.
-Von Miller,
Wish I could put $20 on Miller signing with the Black Panthers in 2025. A counterfeit $20.
SPROTS TONITE
Truly overfloweth, these “sprots” ties. All times Central
TOP FLIGHT FÚTBOL
Home team first (which makes more sense but is contrary to Anglo conventions, like writing dates with the month first—wtf! Pffft.)
Argentina
Instituto (Córdoba) v. Godoy Cruz Antonio Tomba – 7:30
Newell’s Old Boys v. Belgrano (Córdoba) – 7:30
Chile
Colo Colo v. Everton CD – 6:30
Colombia
Atlético Nacional v. América de Cali – 7:45
Costa Rica
Puntarenas v. AD Guanacasteca – 6:00
Ecuador
Vinotinto v. Emelec – 6:00
Guatemala
Comunicaciones v. Guastoya – 6:00
Marquense v. Deportivo Mixco
Secsi Mexi
Santos v. León – 6:00,
which sounds like a tasty beatification derby. Purum. Ksh! Thank you, and tip your server.
Tijuana v. Atlas – 10:00
Perú—woooo post relevant!
Cienciano del Cusco v. Comerciantes Unidos – 7:30
Uruguay
Miramar Misiones v. Danubio – 7:45
U.S.A.
LA Galaxy v. St. Louis Citeh SC – 6:00
Venezuela
Metropolitanos FC v. Zamora – 6:00
Academia Puerto Cabello v. Deportivo Rayo Zullano – 7:30
NCAA MARCH NEUROSIS
Huh. All men’s and women’s games were already played. Sorry for the teasin’.
NHL
Kings @ Golden Knights – 7:00
Stars @ Canucks – 8:00
Islanders @ Ducks – 8:00
NBA
Memphis @ Na’wlins – 6:00
Utah @ Philly – 6:30
Cleveland @ Milwaukee – 7:00
San Antonio @ MinnesoUta – 7:00
Detroit @ Portland – 8:00
Kings @ Clips – 8:30
FINALLY,
I did watch American Pimp, back when the documentary had some buzz, in the early 2000s. Must’ve been while my then wife and an infant Heiress were staying with relatives—anyway, I saw it. My two takes from American Pimp:
1. I admit to being morbid, but the movie made me uncomfortable. To clarify: American Pimp disgusted me, but not in a “More, mooore, MOAR!!11!” way.
2. There was a scene where the off-camera documentarian asked: what is the percentage of payment that sex workers get? What followed (iirc) was a montage of every interviewed pimp saying, with conviction and a sneer, “Zero per cent”. That still disturbs me. Fuck those guys and the folks who glorify them.
Capt. Pantoja though? Very fair. What a sweetheart (so far, three chapters to go).
The novel in English is called “Capt. Pantoja and the Special Service”. Of course there’s casual racism and several other -isms for yuks; it’s about 1950s LATAM for crying out loud! Wholly recommend
Banner from the dynamite Hollywood Shuffle (1987), gifs via giphy.com.
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